Bartender Puns.

An
Ampersand walks into a bar. Bartender says, "We don't
serve characters like you here!"

A
five-dollar bill walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Sorry,
this is a singles bar."

A
parrot walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I can't
serve you." Parrot asks, "Why not?" Bartender
replies, "Because I believe you are a Myna
bird."

Bartender
Pick Up Line: Hey baby, how
about you make me a good strong cocktail, easy on the tail?

A
square, a triangle, and a hexagon walk into a bar. Bartender
says, "Looks like you guys could use a round."

Three
conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. Don't tell me that's
just a coincidence!

A
calf walks into a bar, but the bartender refuses to serve
him because he's under age. So the calf stomps out saying,
"Fine, I'll just go some udder place."

Q.
What do you call a book about drinking games?

A. The Guinness Book of World Records.

Bartender
Fact of the Day: Bartenders do it for tips!

A
guy walks into a bar wrapped in a blanket. Bartenders says,
"For you, there's no cover charge."

Fred
Astaire walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "What
have you got on tap?"

A
guy and a giraffe walk into a bar. The giraffe gets drunk
and passes out. Bartender says, "Hey, you can't leave
that lyin' there." The guy replies, "that's not
a lion, it's a giraffe."

A
black widow drops into the bar. Bartender asks, "What's
your poison?"

Q.
Why didn't the bartender serve the snake?

A. Because he couldn't hold his beer.

Beaver
walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Sorry, we don't
serve beavers here. Beaver says, "Dam!"

A
dachshund walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a
long one.

Q.
What was the dry waller doing in the bar all day?

A. Getting plastered.

A
bee walks into a bar. Bartender mockingly says, "What'll
it BEE pal?" The bee sneers, "Why don't you just
buzz off?"

Q.
What did the bartender say to the gecko that walked into
the bar?

A. So, you're looking for some tail?

A
nonrenewable energy source walks into a bar. Bartender says,
"Sorry, I can't serve you. You've been getting wasted
all day!"

Pick
Up a Bartender Line: Hey babe, here's a tip
for you, you should go out with me!

Bar
Point to Ponder: Is a bartender just a pharmacist with a
limited inventory?

A
clay pot walks into a bar and says, " Give me a whiskey
and make it a double." Bartender asks, "Had a
rough day?" Clay pot says, "Yeah, I just got fired."

Q.
What happened when Gold walked into the bar?

A. The bartender yelled, "AU, get out!"

The
boss at the pub approached the bartender and asked if he'd
been sleeping with the waitress. The bartender said, "No."
Boss replied, "Good. Then you go fire her."

Q.
What did a pair of dice order at the bar?

A. A double.

A golf club walks into a bar. Bartender asks, "What'll
you have?" The golf club says, "Just water for
me. I'm the designated driver."

After
a round of golf, a guy goes to the club bar. A blonde sits
next to him and says, "I'm a hooker." Golfer replies,
"If you turn your hands on the shaft a bit more to
the left, you'll slightly slice."

Q.
Why wouldn't the bartender serve the golf club?

A. Because it would be driving later.

Drunken
Point to Ponder: Could reality be an illusion that occurs
due to lack of alcohol?

A
woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency
to thank her.

– W. C. Fields.

Q.
What did the drunkard get on his I.Q. test?

A. Drool.

Roll
of duct tape walks into a bar. Bartender asks, "What
can I get you?" Duct tape says, "I'll just stick
to my usual."

A
drunken man gets on a bus, staggers down the aisle, and
sits next to an old lady. She looks at him and says, "I've
got news for you. You're going straight to hell." The
drunk jumps up and screams, "Whoa, I'm on the wrong
bus!"

A
giraffe walks into a bar. "Sorry", said the bartender,
"We don't serve Heineken here."

Grasshopper
hops into a bar. Bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity
around here. We've even got a drink named after you."
The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"

A
guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if they serve
women in this bar. Bartender replies, "No, you have
to bring your own."

I
feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up
in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel
all day.

– Frank Sinatra.

Charles
Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender
asks, "Olive or twist?"

A
satanist, a demon, and the devil walk into a bar. Bartender
says, "Get the hell outta here!"

The
Measles walks into a bar. Bartender announces, "Free
shots for everybody!"

Cocktail
Fact of the Day: Martinis are just like nipples. One isn't
enough, two is just right, and three is when things start
to get weird.

Q.
How do you know you're a true Trekkie?

A. You can walk into any bar and order a drink in Klingon,
Ferengi, Klingon or Vulcan.

Warning:
Het ovre sumpcontion of ahcolol may cause pryctic text massages.
EW!

A
hen walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Sorry, we don't
serve chicken here, but there is a place across
the road."

Giraffe
walks into a bar and announces: "High balls on me!"

Weasel
walks into a bar. Bartender says, "You look under age.
I can't serve you alcohol." "I'll have a pop,"
goes the weasel.

An
ox walks into a bar. Bartender remarks, "Oh, off the
wagon again?"

A
proctologist walks into a bar at the end of the
day. Before he takes a seat, he examines the stool.

An
SEO expert walks into a bar, pub, saloon, barroom, tavern,
sports bar, drinking establishment...

I'm
pretty sober, but I'm prettier drunk.

Q.
Why did the blonde bring a ladder to the bar?

A. She heard the drinks were on the house!

Bartender
Fact of the Day: Bartenders do it on the rocks!

A
doctor, a nurse, and a mother walk into a bar. The doctor
says, "Give me a shot of Scotch." The nurse says,
"Give me a shot of Tequila." The mom says, "I
don't do shots," and falls over dead from the measles.

Actually,
it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I
can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.

– George Burns.

A
bottle of wine walks into a pub. Bartender says, "Sorry,
we only serve beer here."