Q. What do you get if you cross a burglar and purple flowers?
A. Robbery with violets.

Q. What do you get if you cross a gorilla and a prisoner?
A. A Kong-vict!

Did you hear about the calendar thief? He got 12 months. Looks like his days are numbered.

Salesman: This computer will cut your work load by 50%.
Customer: Great, I'll take two!

Q. What does a carpet salesman give his honey on Valentine's Day?
A. Rugs and kisses.

Salesman: That suit looks great. It fits like a bandaid.
Customer: Thanks, I bought it by accident.

When I first tried a new cough syrup, I had no idea what to expectorate.

Q. What do you get if you have strep throat on Friday?
A. Saturday Night Fever!

Q. What is the medical term for owning too many dogs?
A. Rover-dose!

Q. What is the most useless self-help book ever written?
A. How to Write a How to Write Book.

Guy walks into a book store and asks where the Self-Help books are. Clerk says, "Sure, but that would defeat the purpose."

Q. Which writing genre pays the most?
A. Ransom notes!

Q. Why do ghosts like drywall?
A. Because sheets rock!

Did you hear about the lesbian carpenters? They don't use any studs, just tongue and groove.

Q. Why aren't there more contractor jokes?
A. They're still working on it.

Q. What happens if you have too many liabilities?
A. Your assets in jail.

When God created actuaries, he scratched His head and said, "Go Figure."

Insider Banking Lingo: A personal financial dilemma is also known as a bill pickle.

Gym Confession: Sometimes, I look like I'm working out, but I'm actually using every muscle in by body to keep from farting.

Gym Factoid: Did you realize that Dr. Frankenstein was actually the first bodybuilder?

Taxi driver pick-up line: Hey Babe, if you were a car door, I'd slam you all night.

Q. Who earns a living by driving customers away?
A. Taxi drivers!

Scientists just found the gene for shyness. They would have found it sooner, but it was hiding behind two other genes.

Q. What do you call it when David Banner goes shopping at Sam's Club?
A. The Incredible Hoard!

Q. How do you know if a colt is sick?
A. He feels a little hoarse.

Q. Where do horses go when they're sick?
A. To the horse-pital!

Did you hear about the runaway horse? It's a terrible tail of whoa.

Pizza is the only love triangle I'm interested in.

Q. What do you call a pizza with just peppers on it?
A. A Pepper-lonely Pizza!

Q. Why couldn't the chef get into the Italian restaurant?
A. He had gnocchi.

Q. Why couldn't they keep the locksmith in jail?
A. Because the nut always bolted.

Q. Why did the blonde only lock three of the six locks on her door?
A. She figured if somebody tried to pick the locks, they'd always be locking three.

Q. Does Spock appreciate deadly Vulcan puns?
A. He does understand the complex nature of lively jokes, but he just does not see the humor in it.

Q. What's it called when two Enterprise officers have an argument?
A. Science Friction!

See, Opticians are not just in it because they have specs appeal!

Q. Why did the near-sighted woman marry her optometrist?
A. It was an eye-deal relationship!

Specs appeal is not the reason to become an optician, but it does help!

Valentine's Day pick-up line: Is your name WiFi? 'Cause I am feeling a strong connection.

Q. What did the little boat say to the yacht?
A. Can I interest you in a little row-mance?

Apish Pick-Up Line: Hey, you're like dandruff, I just can't get you otta my head no matter how hard I try!

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