Coffee Jokes.

Q.
What do you call joe that won't quit brewing?

A. Stand your ground coffee.

Did
you ever stop to think that coffee might be addicted to
you?

Q.
What do you call the tree surgeon who also makes a great
cup of coffee?

A. Arbor-ista.

Q.
What is Java?

A. An essential for turning coffee into computer code.

Q.
What does sad coffee say?

A. Pour me!

Q.
How do you know you drink way too much coffee?

A. It offends you when others refer to beer as brew.

Q.
Why did the guy add laxatives and cannibis oil to his coffee?

A. Just for some shits and grins.

Q.
What did the physicist get when he put coffee into a black
hole?

A. Hyperspace!

Q.
Why did the pot of coffee have to call the police department?

A. 'Cause it got mugged!

Patient:
Coffee makes me really nervous.

Doctor: Then why don't you quit drinking coffee?

Patient: Because if I didn't have the shakes, I wouldn't
get any exercise at all.

Q.
What is an eye doctor's favorite dessert to enjoy with his
after dinner coffee?

A. Pie with eyes cream.

Q.
What do they call the first level of the coffee processing
facility?

A. The ground floor.

Q.
What did the barista say while he was brewing up some killer
coffee?

A. It's time to meet your maker.

True
Story: Even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all!

Q.
How can you tell you drink far too much coffee?

A. Your last wish is to be cremated so that you can spend
eternity inside a coffee can.

Caffeinated
Point to Ponder: If your spouse makes crappy coffee, is
that grounds for divorce?

Java
Joint Pick-Up Line: Hey
baby, is your name Coffee? 'Cause you grind so fine.

Q.
What did the Hawaiian coffee ask the Indonesian coffee?

A. What's Sumatra with you?

Q.
Why did the blonde keep an old bag of coffee laying around?

A. For sedimental reasons. Duh!

Q.
What do you call a baby cow that's lost its head?

A. De-calf!

Q.
How can you tell you're addicted to coffee?

A. All your sons are named Joe.

Q.
Why shouldn't you discuss coffee in polite company?

A. It can make for a strong and heated debate.

Q.
Where do basketball players go to drink coffee?

A. Dunkin' Donuts.

Q.
Why did the kangaroo stop drinking coffee?

A. Because it was making him too jumpy.

Q.
What does Dunkin' Donuts call their new cold brew?

A. Cool Beans.

Did
you hear about the blonde who thought Dunkin' Donuts was
a basketball team?

Q.
How do you know when you've had too much coffee?

A. You're capable of typing 60 words per minute with
your feet.

Q.
What does coffee say first thing in the morning?

A. It's a brew-tiful day!

Q.
What is the most jittery Beatles' song?

A. Latte Be.

Weekly
Grind: On Monday morning, my favorite coworker is Coffee.

End
of the Week Jitters: The only thing that got lit this weekend
was my coffee maker.

Q.
How do you know when you've had too much coffee?

A. Everybody else in the room gets dizzy just watching you.

Q.
Why should you be wary of 5¢ espresso?

A. It's a cheap shot.

Q.
What do coffee, chocolate, and men have in common?

A. The rich ones are best!

Caffeinated
Pick-Up Line: Hey girl,
are you Cappuccino? 'Cause you are hot, sweet, and you make
me nervous.

Q.
Why is Starbucks removing the trans-fat from their menu?

A. They want that Frappuccino to pad your ass without clogging
your arteries.

Caffeinated
Wisdom Overheard in Miami: Livin' la vida mocha.

Q.
How can you tell you're a coffee addict?

A. Your coffee cake has to have coffee in it.

Q.
What is the favorite classic rock song lyric for black coffee
drinkers?

A. Hello Darness, My Old Friend.

Q.
Why is bad coffee the end of a marriage?

A. Because it's grounds for divorce.

Coffee
Poetry: The worst part of waking up, from a nap, is Folger's
in your lap!

Q.
How does a coffee grower discipline a naughty little bean?

A. He grounds him! OUCH!

Q.
How can you tell you've been drinking too much coffee?

A. You actually grind coffee beans with your teeth as a
snack.

Q.
What do you call it when you walk into a coffee house you're
sure you've been to before?

A. Deja Brew!

Just
the Java Facts: When you're just sitting there drinking
coffee, it's not procrastining. It's pro-caffeinating.

Q.
How can you tell you've had too much coffee?

A. You don't sweat, you percolate.

Q.
Did you realize Coffee spelled backward is eeffoC?

A. The only tiime you'd even think about that fact is before
you've had your morning mugs, and that's an EeFFOC.

Q.
Which kind of dinosaurs never consumed coffee?

A. Tea-Rex.

Q.
What is the technical name for coffee?

A. Brake fluid!

Q.
What is it called when an auto mechanic pauses for a cup
of joe?

A. A coffee brake.

Caffeinated
Fact: Coffee is the most important meal of the day.

Groan
of the Day: It's I before E unless it's Budweiser, caffeine,
or codeine. Coincidence, or not?

Q.
What happened when the blonde used Redbull to brew her coffee
instead of water?

A. She got halfway to work and realized she forgot her car.

Q.
Why don't snakes drink coffee?

A. Because it makes them viper-active.

Q.
What happened when the blonde put coffee on a clear grass
panel?

A. It was filtered beyond opacity.

Q.
What happened after a guy read a news report saying coffee
could kill him?

A. He quit reading that report.

Q.
What is fat, hairy, and drinks a lot of coffee?

A. Java the Hutt.

Q.
What did the Enterprise replicator say to Captain Kirk when
he ordered coffee?

A. Beam me up, biscotti!

Star
Wars Jitter of the Day: I like my coffee how I like my Death
Star – huge, on the dark side, and strong enough to
destroy planets.

Q.
How does an evil sorcerer like his coffee?

A. The same way he likes his magic, dark.

Evil
Barista Quote of the Day: I like my coffee black, just like
my soul.

Star
Wars Stormtrooper: What should we do with this coffee?

Palpatine: Brew it.

Q.
What do you call joe that just won't stop brewing?

A. Stand your ground coffee.

Q.
Which kind of coffee does a fruit cake like best?

A. Depresso.

Q.
How do you coffee is taking over your entire life?

A. You named your cats Cream and Sugar.

Jittery
Java Thought of the Day: Coffee is the silent victim in
your home because it gets mugged every day.

Too
Much Caffeine Pun: Did you know it's a sin for a woman to
make coffee? Yeah, in the Bible it says "He Brews."

Q.
Why don't snowmen drink coffee?

A. Because it goes right through them.

Q.
How do you know you have a serious coffee addiction?

A. Instant coffee takes too long.

Cents-Less
Laugh of the Day: Why did the barista get so angry when
the guy knocked over her container of cash and coins? After
all, the sign said: tip jar.

Q.
How do you know when you've had too much coffee?

A. Your nervous twitching actually registers on the Richter
Scale.

Q.
Why was the guy fired from his job at the gourmet coffee
company?

A. The boss said he had no filter.