Addict Jokes.

Drunken
Point to Ponder: When the Hulk goes off in a rage and destroys
everything in sight, he's Incredible. But when
Bruce Banner does that, he has a drinking problem?

Q.
Why do recovering addicts make great bankers?

A. Because they have a lot of experience with withdrawals.

Patient:
Can you help me get over my gambling addiction?

Shrink: You bet.

Patient: Yes, that's why I asked...

Patient:
Doc, I don't know why I've always been addicted to coins.

Shrink: I just can't make heads or tails of it.

Patient:
Doc, I think I'm addicted to the cheesy TV game show, Family
Feud. What's wrong with me?

Shrink: Well, the survey says...

Q.
Why shouldn't you store medications and prescriptions directly
under the roof?

A. To avoid becoming a drug attic.

Q.
What do you call a vampire addict?

A. Count Drugula.

Q.
What is a superhero's drug of choice?

A. Heroine.

Overdose
Groan of the Day: I accidentally took my cat's meds today.
No, please don't ask meow I'm doing!

There
is a new sign on the lawn at the drug rehab center that
reads: Please, Keep Off the Grass.

Q.
What is it called when Wonder Woman reruns are aired for
an entire month straight?

A. An heroine overdose.

Doped
Up Pick-Up Line: Hey girl,
are you Morphine? 'Cause you take my pain away.

Q.
What happened when scientists got together to study the
effects of alcohol on a person's stride?

A. The results were staggering.

I
told myself that I should stop drinking. but I'm not about
to listen to some dumb drunk who talks to himself.

Q.
What did the blonde say after somebody told her to drink
Less wine?

A. Duh! I don't speak French, plus I can't find that brand
anywhere!

Alcoholic
Point to Ponder: Time is never wasted if you're wasted all
the time!

Q.
Why did the ghost decide to go to AA?

A. Because he had a problem with BOOze.

Q.
What did the priest say when he was pulled over for DWI?

A. Good Lord, he's done it again! I only drank water!

Q.
How many recovering addicts does it take to change a light
bulb?

A. One, but it takes twelve steps...

Q.
How many recovering addicts does it take to change a light
bulb?

A. One, as long as he admits he's powerless over light bulbs.

Drunken
Point to Ponder: If you're an alcoholic if you
drink too much vodka, then are you Fantastic if
you drink too much orange soda?

Q.
Why was the ghost an alcoholic?

A. 'Cause he really liked the boos.

Q.
What do alcoholics call a prolonged period of over-imbibing?

A. A Drunkathon.

Alcoholism
Warning: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to
believe you're invincible. If you're not a superhero, you
must be drunk!

Q.
What happend to the loser guy who tried living by the adage,
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again?

A. Now he's addicted to gambling.

Q.
Why are cowboys so prone to gambling addiction?

A. Because they're always raising the steaks.

Losing
Hand of the Day: Did you hear about the gambler who sold
his body parts to fund his addiction? Luckily, he quit while
he was a head.

Q.
How is the leprechaun who went into rehab to stop gambling?

A. He's a little better now.

Wife:
Your gambling is getting completely out of hand!

Husband: Oh yeah? I'll bet you $50 it isn't.

Q.
What did the gambling addict name his daughter?

A. Betty.

Q.
What is it called when a drug dealer samples his merchandise?

A. A business trip.

Q.
What is the specialty of the French drug dealer?

A. Oui-d.

Q.
What do addicted customers call the fastest drug dealer
in town?

A. Instagram.

Q.
What does a cowboy drug addict say before using heroin?

A. I am rootin', tootin', and ready for shootin'.

Q.
Which dog breed is the favorite of drug dealers?

A. A Meth Lab.

Q.
How do you know you're an heroine addict?

A. You just can't get enough of Wonder Woman, Batgirl, and
Xena Warrior Princess.

Patient:
If I give up sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll, will I live longer?

Doctor: No, it'll just seem longer.

Q.
If Wonder Woman partied on drugs, which would she do?

A. Heroine.

Q.
Who wrote the whiskeyed-up book, Drunkards Of The Old
West?

A. Sal Oon.

Q.
What did the drunken drummer get on his I.Q. test?

A. Drool.

Q.
Why was the chronic LSD user fired from his job at the chemistry
lab?

A. 'Cause he kept dropping acid.

Q.
What is a drunken standup comedian's least favorite kind
of alcoholic beverage?

A. Booze!

Q.
Which pharmaceutical opiate drug is preferred by software
engineers?

A. Codeine.

Q.
How does a queen ant keep all the workers happy?

A. She medicates them with ant-i-depressant drugs.

Q.
Which addictive medication is lauded for being a murderer?

A. A pain killer.

Q.
Why did the junkie attempt to abduct Wonder Woman?

A. Because he was a heroine addict.

Q.
What did the pharmacist say about his new job at the drug
store?

A. The pay isn't great, but the Percs are amazing.

Q.
What do you call an alligator drug addict?

A. A crackodile.

Q.
Why did the alcoholic drop his bottle of hooch in the liquor
store parking lot?

A. 'Cause he just can't hold his booze.

Q.
Why did the alcoholic keep switching between vodka and whiskey?

A. He was great at multi flasking.

An
alcoholic amnesiac stumbles into a bar. He asks the bartender,
"Do I come here often?"

Q.
What happens when an alcoholic ghost drinks too much?

A. He gets sheet faced!

Bartender
Wisdom: The hardest part of the job is figuring out who
is drunk and who is just stupid.

Q.
What do you call a recovering M.D. who obstains from recreational
drugs and alcohol?

A. A Dry Doc!

Q.
What do you call a deer that can't quit drinking?

A. An elk-o-holic.

Addiction
Point to Ponder: Could reality be an illusion that occurs
due to lack of alcohol?

Drinking
Fact of the Day: You might be an alcoholic if you already
knew that National Martini Day is June 19.

Slurred
Drunkard Tip of the Day: You can't drink all day long if
you don't start in the morning.

Q.
What is a drunken party monster's Halloween slogan?

A. Eat, drink, and be scary!

Warning:
The over sumconption of alcohol may cause you to
slay things like thish.

Q.
Why do drunken winos love cheap wine puns?

A. Because wine snobs hate them!

Q.
What do you call a loon that's a drug addict?

A. A quack head.

Q.
Why was the alcoholic janitor late to work?

A. He over swept.

Q.
Why did the accountant end up at the rehab center?

A. Due to solvency abuse.

Q.
What do police call a perp who robs the local drug store?

A. A pillager.

Q.
What do you call somebody who stops taking useless prescription
drugs?

A. A medicine dropper.

Q.
How do you describe the shady pharmaceutical executive's
exorbitant profits?

A. Ill-gotten gains.

Q.
Why was the guy fired from the pharmacy?

A. Because drug-free workplace and free drug
workplace are not the same thing.

Q.
What do you call the security guard at the hospital pharmacy?

A. The Fentanyl Sentinel.

Q.
Why is it so hard for computer programmers to get a prescription
for pain killers?

A. Because they have a history of codeine.

Q.
Which subject do speed cookers exel at in school?

A. Methamatics, not spelling or typing.

Q.
What does the rehab center call a knife that does heroine?

A. A sharp shooter.

Q.
Why did the old drug addict die?

A. He just got wasted away.

Q.
How do scientists know whales like cocaine?

A. They'v got a big blow hole.

Q.
How can you tell if an Amish person is an alcoholic?

A. They literally fall off the wagon.

An
alcohoic SEO expert walks into a bar and asks the bartender
for a quick shot of whiskey, bourbon, Jack Daniels,
Jim Beam, Seagrams 7, Jameson... Yeah, he walked out
drunk, blitzed, blasted, tipsy, intoxicated, inebriated,
zoned, sloshed...

Drunken
Warning: The over consumption of alcoholic beverages
may cause you to appreciate Painful bar Puns, or
possibly write even more of them.

Q.
What did the bartender say to the drunk patron who was guzzling
his vodka way too fast?

A. Stop, Russian!

Warning:
Het ovre sumpcontion of ahcolol may cause pryctic text massages.
EW!

Q.
What do you call drink after drink?

A. A twofer.

Q.
What is a duck's drug of choice?

A. Quack.

Q.
What do drug addicts call it when a cocaine lab suddnly
explodes?

A. A devasting blow.

Q.
Where did the cooker go after the explosion in his meth
lab?

A. Everywhere.