An empty bottle walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Sorry, I can't serve you. You're already drunk."

Godot walks into a bar. Bartender says, "There are two guys waiting here for you."

Tequila is a great drink because while you're drinking it, you feel like a cactus. The only problem is in the morning, the needles all grow inward.

"Your finest Scotch, please." So the guy at Staples hands me a 12-year-old roll of tape...

Q. What should you do with an old inventory of Kentucky Bourbon?
A. Liquidate it, one mellow sip at a time.

Wine improves with age. The older I get, the better I like it.

Q. Why do wine lovers guzzle down vine humor?
A. Because wine jokes are a barrel of laughs.

Vine Thought of the Day: Choosy moms choose wine!

Q. How do you know you're a true Trekkie?
A. You can order blood wine in Klingon, Ferengi, Klingon and Vulcan.

"Accept what life offers you and try to drink from every cup. All wines should be tasted; some should only be sipped, but with others, drink the whole bottle." – Paulo Coelho

The speed of light is when you take a bottle of beer out of the refrigerator before the light comes on.

Q. Why was the auto mechanic at the brew pub earlier than usual today?
A. Because he tankard with some clunker all day, to no av-ale.

Today's Dark Thought: I'll be Bock!

Warning: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to dance like some goofy video game character.

Q. At the craft beer pub in Breckenridge, what is the drunk guy's favorite kind of skis?
A. Brewskies!

Cow walks into a bar. Bartender asks what she'd like. Cow says, "Moonshine."

Another cow walks into the bar wearing priest's robes. Bartender says, "Holy cow!"

A calf walks into a bar, but the bartender refuses to serve him because he's under age. So the calf stomps out saying, "Fine, I'll just go some udder place."

A dachshund walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a long one.

Q. What is a worst-case rescue scenario?
A. The Saint Bernard arrives with an empty keg around his neck.

I want my last words to be "Hold my beer and watch this..."

Beer, because you don't make new friends with salad.

Q. When shouldn't you serve red wine at room temperature?
A. When you live in an igloo or ice palace.

Q. Why are ghosts so popular at Halloween parties?
A. 'Cause they always bring the boos!

Q. Why is a beer better than religion?
A. If you did devote your life to beer, there are groups to help you stop.

I can't wait for the day when I can drink wine with my kids instead of because of them!

Wine is the most civilized thing in the world.
– Ernest Hemingway

Bartender Fact of the Day: Bartenders do it however you like it!

A tissue walks into a bar and the bartenders asks if he wants a drink. Tissues says, "No you idiot, it'll go right through me." Bartender replies, "Well, you don't have to get all snotty about it.

Q. In which spot did the Riesling finish the race?
A. Number wine!

If you can't be with the one you love, why not just love the wine your with?

It's a vine day for a glass of wine!

Wine Lovers Thought of the Day: I've got joy in my heart and a glass of merlot in my hand. Coincidence?

Fine Wine Fact of the Day: Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Q. What happened when Thomas Edison walked into a bar?
A. The bartender said, "Okay, I'll serve you, but don't get any ideas!"

Wish you were beer!

The answer may not be at the bottom of a beer bottle, but you should always check.

Q. What did the blonde leave the Broncos tailgating party crying?
A. Because they ran out of Coors Light in left-handed cans.

Beer! Drink all you want, they'll make more!

Every loaf of bread is a tragic story of grains that could've become beer, but did not.

Q. What is one difference between beer and women?
A. Beer makes you happy for nothing, and women make you angry for nothing.

Q. What did the bartender say to the fish that walked into the bar?
A. Shouldn't you be in school?

A professional bowler walks into a bar. Bartender says, "I'm sorry, we just ran out of clean glasses." The bowler replies, "That's okay, I've got a spare."

Q. What did the bartender say to the gecko that walked into the bar?
A. So, you're looking for some tail?

Is it Saturday Night Yet? Let's get ready to stumble.

Corn on the cob walks into a bar. Bartender asks, "Wanna hear a good joke?" Corn replies, "Sure, I'm all ears."

Sobering Point to Ponder: If an alchoholic gets whiskey dick, does a heroine user get poppycock?

Q. What did the bartender say after Charles Dickens ordered a martini?
A. Olive Or Twist?

A German walks into a bar and orders a Martini. Bartender asks, "Dry?" German guy replies, "Nein, just one."

An SEO expert walks, moseys, rambles, strides, steps, rides, runs, trots, into a bar...

Q. What is it called when a prisoner drinks hooch out of a coffee cup?
A. A mug shot.

Q. What do you call a Bohemian who gets thrown out of a bar?
A. A Bounced Czech.

A steer walks into a bar. Bartender asks, "Have you herd any good jokes lately?"

A guy and a dog are having a few drinks at the bar. So the dog says, "That's ruff, but you think your wife's a bitch?"

Q. Why does the alcoholic Avon lady walk funny?
A. Because her lips stick.

Q. What does a drunk walrus have in common with a woman at a Tupperware party?
A. They're both looking for a tight seal.

Bartender Wisdom of the Day: Whiskey may not be the answer, but it's surely worth a second shot.

Thanks for stopping by and see you again soon!

Join us on social media and please feel free to share our memes with friends and family:

©2017- Painfulpuns.com All rights reserved.