Q. What do you call a doctor who is always on call?
A. An Oncallogist.

Q. Why can't men get mad cow disease?
A. Because men are all pigs.

Q. What is bacteria at the hospital?
A. The back door to the cafeteria.

Medicinal Fact of the Day: When you try a new cough syrup, you have no idea what to expectorate.

Q. Why did Dracula take cold medication?
A. It was for his coffin.

Sick Pick-Up Line: Hey hot girl, are you a virus? 'Cause you're having an effect on my whole body.

Q. Why did the composer go to a chiropractor?
A. Because he had Bach problems.

Q. How many orthopedists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Why don't you just take out the socket? You're not using it anyway.

Q. Why should you trust the surgeons who are repairing your slipped disk?
A. Because they have your back.

Q. What do you call two orthopedic doctors reading an EKG?
A. A double blind study.

Pick-Up Line in the Bone Lab: Hey Bae, I want tibia your date tonight!

Q. What do allergy sufferers call a reaction caused by daisy-like flowers?
A. An aster-risk.

Orthopedic Tip of the Day: Looking for something to tickle her funny bone? Just make a couple of humerus witticisms!

Medical Bummer of the Day: I don't find doctor puns funny now that I have an irony deficiency.

After the guy woke up from surgery, the nurse asked how he was feeling. He said he was okay, but didn't like hearing all the four-letter words in the OR. The nurse asked, "What did he say?" Guy answered, "OOPS!"

Q. What did the doctor say to a rocket ship?
A. It's time to get your booster shot.

Medicine Cabinet Point to Ponder: Why isn't thyme used in medicine? After all, thyme heals all wounds.

Q. What happened when the elderly couple watched a TV ad for hearing aids?
A. The wife was all ears.

Q. What is the difference between a hematologist and a urologist?
A. One pricks your finger and the other fingers your prick. OUCH!

Q. Why are optometrists happy to see drunks?
A. Because everything is a blur.

Q. Why are optometrists so smart?
A. Because they were good pupils.

Old optometrists never retire. They just lose their focus.

Q. What did the optometrist ask his receptionist?
A. Has anyone told you that you're beautiful today? If so, please refer them in.

Q. Why is it easy to trust a hypochondriac?
A. Because non of their plans are ill-conceived.

No wonder he's a nurse and not Dr. Gnome.

Medical Pick-Up Line: Are you COPD? Because you take my breath away.

Q. What is a pharmacist?
A. A person making a living in agriculture.

Sick Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, do you need a love doctor? 'Cause I have a medicated degree.

Q. Which is the funniest medical position?
A. Chiropractor, because they always crack you up!

Nurse Notes: The patient has no prior history of suicide...

Q. Why should you be nice to your dentist?
A. Because he has fillings, too!

Today's Dental Wisdom: Ignore your teeth, and they will all go away.

Q. What is the difference between a dentist and a NY Yankee fan?
A. One yanks for the roots and the other roots for the Yanks.

Dental Factoid of the Day: Dentists don't like having a bad day at the orifice!

Q. What should you do before having facial reconsturction surgery?
A. Pick your nose...

A guy ran into his dermatologist at a bar. Doctor asked, "Did that mudpack I gave your wife improve your wife's appearance?" Guy replied, "Yeah, but it kept falling off."

Q. Why did the blonde think her mouth replacement surgery went wrong?
A. 'Cause a voice in the back of her head kept teller her that.

Q. What is a secretion?
A. A good place to hide something.

Q. What did one tonsil say to the other?
A. We'd better get dressed up because the doctor is taking us out tonight.

Q. Why did the chiropractor go bankrupt?
A. He owed too much in back taxes.

Q. What do doctors slap babies when they're born?
A. To knock the penises off the smart ones.

Q. What happened when the man tried to look up Impotence on the Web?
A. Nothing Came Up!

Q. What is the name of the surgery where a man gets a penis enlargement?
A. Addalittledictamy.

Q. Why did the guy's wife leave him after he spent all their money on multiple penis enlargement surgeries?
A. Because she just couldn't take it any longer.

A proctologist walks into a bar at the end of the day. Before he takes a seat, he examines the stool.

A podiatrist understands what it's like to walk a mile in your shoes.

Patient: Doc, you have to help me out!
Doctor: Oh certainly. Which way did you come in?

Q. What is a medical staff?
A. A doctor's cane.

Q. How can you tell the head nurse apart from all the others?
A. By the dirt on her knees.

Nurse Notes: Patient has teenaged children, but no other apparent abnormalities.

Q. Why can't proctologists get out of debt?
A. Because they're always in arrears.

Consult Dr. Gnome pick-up jokes for some healthy laughs.

Q. What is cauterize?
A. When you make eye contact with the hot nurse.

Q. How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. They'd rather just prescribe Prozac.

When an elderly man went to see his doctor, he was told that he'd have to give up half his sex life. The old man asked, "Which half? Thinking about it, or dreaming about it?"

Highly contagious laughter! (Grippe is an old term for "flu")

Q. What is the worst thing about being a hypochondriac?
A. You're sick of being called a hypochondriac.

Q. What is the worst thing about attending Hypochondriacs Anonymous?
A. Admitting you don't have a problem.

Q. Which hypochondriac wrote the book, I Got Your Fear of Germs?
A. Polly Ethel Ene.

Patient: Will this ointment clear up my spots.
Doctor: Well, I never make rash promises.

Q. Why did the grasshopper go to the doctor?
A. Because it was feeling rather jumpy.

Q. What do you call a bossy duck in a clinic?
A. A nurse quack-titioner.

Q. What is a duck's drug of choice?
A. Quack.

Q. What is the medical term for owning too many dogs?
A. Roverdose.

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