Atom Says: Happy Matter Day! - Smart Humor, Science Puns, Math Jokes, Pi!

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To the guy who invented zero: Thanks for Nothing!

Q. How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A. Ten. One to install it and nine to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years!
There's gnome time like the present, past and future. Who gnew gnomes are time travelers?
Q. What do you get if you cross a thought with a light bulb? A. A bright idea!


Elemental Puns That Really Smart. Ouch!
Dark energy puns that matter, multiverse humor to gravitate toward, and timely atom jokes.

Physics Jokes, Atomic Puns, Physicist Humor
(Because the Higgs Bosons of Intelligent Jokes and Smart Puns Could Never Be Mainstream Enough at CERN!)
Warning: Proceed with Caution! Atomic jokes that matter, black hole humor, and smashing particle puns ahead.
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Q. What do you call the group of scientists who name the tiny things inside atos? A. Particle Board!Old laser physicists never die. They just become incoherent.Never Trust Atoms. They Make Up Everything.

Q. What did one uranium-238 atom say to the other?
A. Gotta Split!

One Unsolved Question in Biophysics: Does a radioactive cat have 18 half-lives?

Q. What do you call a group of environmentally conscientious physicists?
A. Con-CERNed.

Q. Why does hamburger have lower energy than steak?
A. Because it's in the ground state.

Q.What is a physicist's favorite food?
A. Fission chips.

Physics quote of the day: Anything that doesn't matter has no mass!

Ironic Physics Point to Ponder: Why is being a physicist still considered uncool, when thermodynamic entropy is getting cooler all the time?

Today's Science Trivia: When scientist Albert Ghiorso added twelve new bits to the periodic table, he was in his element.

Q. Oxygen had a second date with potassium. How did it go?
A. It went OK2!

Q. What do physicists enjoy doing during favorite sports events?
A. The Wave!

Q. What do you call an atom when it dies?
A. A Diamtom.

Q. Why was the science whiz kid afaid he'd explode if he hugged his mom's sister?
A. 'Cause she's made of auntie matter.

Hey Gnirl, your bosons give me a HADRON!A photon checked into a hotel, but didn't need a bellman because it was traveling light.Q. What do science teachers call incorrect answers from students? A. The flaws of physics!

Quantum Fact of the Day: Smashing Science Pick-Up Lines are particularly fascinating to scientists at CERN.

Q. What kind of breasts did the blonde physicist have?
A. QuanTitties.

Q. Why do quantum physicists have the best sex?
A. 'Cause they know all the super positions.

Q. What does a subatomic duck say?
A. Quark!

Q. How did the nuclear physicist mix cocktails at his party?
A. He used a pina collider.

Q. How many theoretical physicists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None! They're trying to study dark matter and dark energy fascinates them!

The Heineken Uncertainty Principal states, "You can never be sure how many beers you had last night."

Q. What is a physicist's favorite dinosaur?
A. Velocity Raptor.

Q. How many theorhetical physicists, specializing in general relativity, does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Two. One to hold the bulb and one to rotate the Universe.

I'm reading a book about gravity. It's impossible to put down.Q. How does a physicist exercise? A. By pmping ion!A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much a beer is. Bartender says, "For you, no charge."

A chemist was reading a book about helium. He just couldn't put it down.

Q. What do physicists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon?
A. A Ferrous Wheel.

Q. What did the physicist say to the pirate?
A. Walk the Planck, Max.

Q. Why did the physicist switch over to city water?
A. He got tired of building an infinite square well.

Q. According to physicists, why is the world so diverse?
A. Because it's made up of alkynes of people.

Q. What did the physicist say when he spotted a dreamy new wave function?
A. Psi.

Q. What did American physicists say to the US government after German scientists discovered how to split the atom?
A. Don't worry. There's other fission DC.

Q. Which famous physicist only drank one beer?
A. Einstein.

Two atoms were walking across the road when one said, "I think I lost an electron." The other asked, "Are you sure?" Atom replies, "Yes I'm absolutely positive."

Did you hear about the cult of teenage girls who worship physicist Georg Simon Ohm? In schools everywhere, you can hear them praying, "Ohm, My God!"

Two hydrogen atomes met. 1st: "I've lost my electron." 2nd: "Are you sure?" 1st: "Yes, I'm Positive!"Gnome Entering a Black Hole!Q. Where do planets and stars go to study? A. The University!

Q. What do you do with a sick chemist?
A. If you can't helium, and you can't curium, then you might as well barium.

Q. Why did carbon marry hydrogen?
A. They bonded well from the minute they met.

Q. Why don't physicists and Bingo players get along?
A. They disagree on the application and existence of a free space.

Q. Why was Heisenberg such a bad lover?
A. When he got the momentum, he couldn't find the position; when he found the position, he couldn't muster the momentum.

Q. What did the physicist say when he saw a guy who was about to jump off of a skyscraper?
A. Don't you it! You have so much potential.

Q. What did the physicist's order for lunch?
A. Fission Chips.

Q. What is a particle physicist's favorite cocktail?
A. A Large Hadron Colada.

A Higgs Boson walks into a bar on Sunday. Bartender says, "You have to go to church now." Higgs asks, "Why?" Bartender replies, "Without you, there's no mass!"

Q. What did the proton say to the electron?
A. Don't be so negative!

Past, Present & Future Walked Into a Bar. It Was Tense!Gnome ____ in a Black Hole!Q. Why didn't an element want to get bonded to its partner? A. It would have to pay compound interest!

Q. What did Donald Duck say to his graduate physics class?
A. Quark, quark, quark.

Q. How do socks illustrate the concept of quantum entanglement?
A. The instant you put on your left sock, the other sock immediately becomes the right sock, and vice versa – regardless of the distance between them.

Q. What did the physicist hang on the lab door while he was out on an angling vacation?
A. Gone Fission!

The name's Bond, Ionic Bond. Taken, not stirred.

Discovery of the Century depicted on the cover of TIME.

Q. Why was the amateur physicist sucked into a black hole?
A. 'Cause he didn't fully comprehend the gravity of his situation.

Q. How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A. One. She gives it to three physicists, thus reducing it to a problem that's already been solved!

Q. How do old atoms finally die in the end?
A. They decay.

Q. What did one quantum physicist say when he wanted to fight another physicist?
A. Let Me Atom!

Protesters in front of a physics lab:
"We Want Time Travel!"
"When do we want it?"

Q. Why did Albert Einstein's memos sell for $1.8 million?
A. Because they were noteworthy.

Q. Where do physicists attend church?
A. At the center of mass.

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