Q. Why was the hunky optician so popular with the ladies?
A. He had specs appeal!

Q. What is a hemorrhoid?
A. A male from outer space!

Q. What do you call the short insane guy at the mental hospital who claims he's a little green space man?
A. An Astro-Nut!

Q. Why was the guy dressed as a Star Trek doctor booted out of the Sci-Fi convention?
A. Because he wasn't the real McCoy.

A guy was staring at Medusa's boobs when she remarked, "Hey, my eyes are up here." But he was already hard as a rock.

Q. What did the guy ask his doctor during his colonoscopy?
A. Could you please write me a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?

Q. Why did the doctor diagnose the guy who suffered from negativity with Optical Rectalitis, a condition that affects the nerves between the eyeballs and asshole?
A. Because he had a shitty outlook on life.

A guy just found out you can sell sperm to a sperm bank. All these years he'd been letting potential income slip through his fingers.

Q. How are boobs and toys alike?
A. Both are intended for children, but dad can't keep his hands off them.

A guy walks into the urologist's office carrying a console and says, "Doc, I think there's something wrong with my wii."

Bartender Fact of the Day: Wise men drink wine. Budweiser men drink beer.

Fine Wine Fact of the Day: Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

A guy walks into a graveyard bar and asks the bartender for a beer. Bartender replies, "Sorry, we only serve spirits here."

Q. What do you call the guy who chooses a suitable fortified Spanish wine?
A. A Sherry Picker.

Q. Why wasn't the guy angry after burglars stole all his booze?
A. Because they lifted his spirits.

Q. Why did the guy take a urine test again today?
A. His kleptomania had gotten out of hand...

Q. Why did the man in Scotland have to see an urologist?
A. 'Cause he had a wee bit of a problem.

Q. Why didn't the guy have to take Viagra after visiting the haunted house?
A. 'Cause he was already scared stiff!

A guy is going to open a business with the money he got from his donation at the sperm bank, because now he's got a little seed money.

Q. What do you call a lovey-dovey guy who is allergic to most alkaline skin-washing products?
A. A soapless romantic.

Q. Why are Batman's farts louder than Batgirl's farts?
A. Because Batman has a microphone and two speakers.

Q. What do you get when a blind guy tries to talk to you at a urinal?
A. Wet.

Q. What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?
A. The Dark Knight rises.

Q. How did the guy know he was married to Wonder Woman?
A. She wonders when he'll grow up. She wonders when he'll take out the trash. She wonders when he'll get a raise and promotion. And, she wonders why she ever married him!

Q. What is the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
A. Iron Man is a superhero, and Iron Woman is a laundress command.

Q. What did Wonder Woman say to The Flash when she noticed he was graying?
A. I still find you dashing!

Q. What is it called when a judge bangs his gavel and declares the defendant guilty early in the hearing?
A. Premature adjudication.

Q. What would you call Batman after a sex change?
A. An Ex-man. OUCH!

A guy saw a penny in a urinal and wondered what they'd wished for. Now, he's wishing for a dry pocket...

Q. Why did the tech guy prefer Colorado craft beer?
A. Because his head is in the cloud.

A guy was browsing at the liquor store, so the clerk asked, "Do you need help?" The guy replied, "Yes, but I'm here to get whiskey instead."

Q. What do you call a guy who's manner of walking makes everybody stare?
A. The saunter of attraction.

A man attempted to smuggle sausage and vodka out of Europe in his suitcase. But the baggage caught on fire and the plane had to be evacuated. It was the Absolut wurst case scenario!

Q. Why did the near-sighted guy fall into the mineral springs?
A. Because he didn't see that well!

A man goes to the doctor after suffering a severe allergic reaction. Doctor asks, "How are you feeling now? Patient replies, "Just swell."

Q. What do you call it when a guy's life is flourishing, but he makes very rssh decisions?
A. Reckless thriving.

Guy walks into a psychiatrist's office and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. I think I'm a deck of cards." The shrink replies, "Sit over there, and I'll deal with you later."

Today's Uplifting Underwear Joke: A dyslexic man walks into a bra... Either way, he'll have two cups.

Q. What happened when the guy got hit in the head with a beer bottle?
A. It didn't break the skin, but it did leave a nasty brews.

A man walks into a bar. OUCH! You would think he would have seen it!

Two guys walk into a bar. The third guy ducked.

A man walks into a bar owned by horses. The bartender asks, "Why the short face?"

Q. Why did the dirtbag have a bolt of lightning tattooed onto his dick?
A. 'Casue lightning only strikes the same place once.

A guy walks into a bar and yells, "All lawyers are A-holes!" Man at the end of the bar says, "Hey, I object to that!" Guy asks, "Why, are you a lawyer?" Man replies, "No, I'm an A-hole."

Q. Why was the guy so bad tempered when he was sulking and pouting?
A. Because he needed to learn better moping skills.

A guy walks into a bar wrapped in a blanket. Bartenders says, "For you, there's no cover charge."

Q. What is the name of the surgery where a man gets a penis enlargement?
A. Addalittledictamy.

Q. What does it mean when a guy says that he has lightning fast reflexes?
A. That's bro code for premature ejaculation.

A guy came home late after his poker game and saw a note on the refrigerator saying, "This isn't working. I'm going to my mother's house." He opened the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold, so he wasn't sure what she was talking about?

Q. What did the unhappy guy say after his limb replacement surgery was botched?
A. I'll kill 'em with my bear hand!

Men's Fashion Point to Ponder: Can a one-armed man buy clothing a second hand store?

Q. What did the guy say to his wife when she complained about hearing him scratching his pencil on paper?
A. Yes, you heard me write!

A guy woke up after surgery and screamed, "Doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know, we had to amputate your arms."

Son, when I was your age, there was no social media. You had to go to a bar and buy endless drinks to be ignored by multiple women.

Q. Which angry guy absolutely will not go outside without his hat?
A. A hot head!

Seductive Woman: Undress me with your words.
Wouldbe Beau: There's a spider in your bra.

Did you hear about the guy who took his girlfriend to the optometrist because she had issues with her vision? Turns out she was seeing other men.

A guy ran into his dermatologist at a bar. Doctor asked, "Did that mudpack I gave your wife improve your wife's appearance?" Guy replied, "Yeah, but it kept falling off."

Q. What did the guy call it when he dropped his ED drugs?
A. Viagra Falls.

Q. How are men and pantyhose alike?
A. Either they cling, or they run, or they don't fit right in the crotch.

Q. Why was the guy fired from the pharmacy?
A. Because drug-free workplace and free drug workplace are not the same thing.

Q. What happened after the guy had a first date with a dental hygienist?
A. She said she'd had a great time and she'd like to see me again in six months...

A guy showed his bud a pic of his wife and said, "Isn't she stunning!" Bud replied, "You should see my wife." Guy asked, "Wow, is she stunning, too?" Bud replied, "No, she's an optometrist."

Q. How hard was it for the guy to start the company that manufactures clown shoes?
A. It was no small feet!

Q. If a bra is called an over the shoulder boulder holder, what do you call men's underwear?
A. Under the butt nut hut!

Q. Why are gay men always so well-dressed?
A. They didn't spend all that time in the closet for nothing.

Q. What's the difference between a well-dressed man and his dog?
A. One wears a three-piece suit; the other just pants.

Q. Why was the masturbating drummer so tired?
A. 'Cause he never skipped a beat.

Q. What did the new guy at the men's cologne counter say about his new gig?
A. This job really stinks!

Q. What's the name of the new men's antiperspirant deodorant line inspired by race car drivers?
A. Pit Stop!

Q. What does a tailor do when a guy says his pants are too long?
A. He cuts him some slacks.

Q. What do you call the colorful guy who invented denim pants?
A. A blue jean-ius!

Q. Why didn't the guy recommend his tailor?
A. Because he didn't suit him well.

Q. What do men call neckwear that begins with the letter A, B, C, or D?
A. Alphabet ties.

Q. What happened to the guy who tried to rob a bank wearing underwear as a mask?
A. The cops arrested him after a quick debriefing.

Cents-Less Point to Ponder: If that dumb guy had a nickel for every time someone said, "look at that asshole!," he'd certainly have enough money to patch up that hole in his pants.

An elderly man told his doctor he'd like his sex drive lowered. Doc replied, "Sir, at your age, your sex drive is mostly in your head." Man said, "I know. That's why I want it lowered."

When an elderly man went to see his doctor, he was told that he'd have to give up half his sex life. The old man asked, "Which half? Thinking about it, or dreaming about it?"

Man: The doctor said he'd have me back on my feet in two weeks.
Friend: And, did he?
Man: Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill.

Guy to ER Doc: Hurry! My son swallowed a razor blade!
ER Doc: Have you done anything yet?
Guy: Yes, I shaved with my electric razor.

A cardiac surgeon tells a guy he has a bad heart. The guy says, "I want a second opinion." So, the doctor says, "You're ugly, too."

Q. What happened to the boy who was born without eyelids?
A. When he was circumcised, they used the skin for eyelids. Unfortunately, he's a little cock-eyed now.

Did you hear about the blind guy who went to his optometrist with his guide dog? The doctor replaced the dog and asked, "Is number two better?"

Q. Why did the guy buy a DIY perfume-making kit as a gift for his wife?
A. It seemed to make scents.

Q. Why was the guy surprised when he was kicked out of the peripheral vision club?
A. He just didn't see it coming!

The gentleman who was going blind was sure he could master braille once he really got the feel of it.

Q. How do you get a hipster to eat a hot dog?
A. Put it in a man bun.

Q. What does a man have in common with a bottle of beer?
A. They're both empty from the neck up.

Q. What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?
A. The sofa doesn't keep asking for Bud Light!

Q. What's the difference between pigs and men?
A. Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

Q. How are a bar and a bra alike?
A. Men enjoy being inside them.

Q. Why did the blonde guy trip over his girlfriend's bra?
A. 'Cause it was a booby trap.

Q. What did the guy with five penises say about his new underwear?
A. It fits like a glove.

Q. What do men really want from their underwear?
A. A bit of support and a lot of freedom.

A guy accidentally butt dialed his proctologist. The doctor said he was getting tired of that shitty joke.

Q. What encouraging words can you say to to a guy who is afraid he is turning into a recluse?
A. You are not a loner.

Q. What did the blonde hair stylish say when the man said he wanted a hair cut?
A. Which one?

Q. What do you call several men waiting in line for a haircut?
A. A barber-cue.

Q. Why don't bald men need keys?
A. Because they've lost all their locks.

Did you hear about the guy whose hairline was so far back that even archaeologists couldn't find it?

Q. What do you call a guy who changes his place of residence every few weeks?
A. Very unsettling.

Q. Why did the bald guy put a rabbit on his head?
A. Because he wanted a head full of hare.

Q. Why do bald men always have holes in their pockets?
A. So they can run their fingers through their hair!

Q. What did the bald guy say when he got a comb for his birthday?
A. Gee thanks, I'll never part with it.

Q. Which three ways can a man wear his hair?
A. Parted, unparted, or departed.

Q. What did the man, who usually wore a toupee, do when he wanted to relax?
A. He just let his hair down.

Q. Do old execs at Hair Club for Men ever die?
A. No, they just keep plugging away.

Q. Why did the blonde guy like watching the football game at the hair salon?
A. The coverage is the same, but the highlights are better.

Did you hear about the guy who couldn't decide between vodka and whiskey? He was very good at multi-flasking.

Q. At the craft beer pub in Breckenridge, what is the drunk guy's favorite kind of skis?
A. Brewskies!

Did you hear about the guy who lost his glasses at the bar? The rest of the evening was a total blur.

The last man on Earth walks into a bar and says, "Drink, I'd like another bartender."

Brewed Fact of the Day: A man's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Dad got a selfie stick for Father's Day. Turned out that he can finally hold the phone far enough away to read his text messages!

Bile Groan of the Day: A guy wasn't sure the surgeon could handle his hepatectomy, but the doctor did de-liver.

A man goes to an eye doctor and says, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." Receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" The man replies, "No, just spots."

Q. What did the optician say to the guy who complained about his blurry glasses?
A. If you're going to clean your eyeglasses with a tissue, do it before you blow your nose!

Q. What are related men who swear alot when they get together called?
A. Cussing cousins.

Old British Man: Luv, your teeth remind me of the stars.
Old Man's Old Wife: Because they sparkle and gleam?
Old Man: No. Because they come out at night.

A guy walks into a bar. Bartender asks, "How's it going?" Guy replies, "Okay, I guess. Holding my own." "That's good," says the bartender, "You'd get arrested if you held somebody else's."

Q. How did the guy feel when the new Toy Story action figures came out?
A. He got a Woody.

Q. What do you call an NRA guy with an erection?
A. A hard conservaative

Q. What do frozen beer, burnt pizza, and a pregnant woman have in common?
A. Some guy forgot to take it out in time!

Q. How are men like bank accounts?
A. One day they're up, one day they're down, but most of the time they show no interest.

Q. What happened when the guy mixed up his depression medication with Viagra?
A. No matter how he tried, everything just kept getting harder and harder.

Q. What did the guy think when the drunken ventriloquist said she wanted to sleep with the bartender?
A. He didn't know if it was she or the beer talking.

Q. What did the man ask the x-ray technician after swallowing some money?
A. Do you see any change in me?

Ophthalmologist: You need to stop masturbating so often.
Male Patient: Why? Will I go blind?
Eye Doctor: No, but it's making the other patients very uncomfortable.

Q. Why did the even-tempered guy long for more stress and pressure in his life?
A. He was starved for tension.

When the guy said his old T-shirt still fit him, it was a bit of a stretch.

Q. What do you call the guy who drank vodka and ended up in a mental hospital?
A. An Absolut madman.

Q. What is the best thing about dating a French fellow?
A. His oui oui.

Q. Which new sex toy are men all excited about?
A. The Erector Set.

Q. What does the TV news anchorman say while having sex?
A. This just in...

Q. Why did the guy jerk off into one of his socks?
A. 'Cause he wanted to get off on the right foot.

Male Medical Quote of the Day: Upon examination of the genetalia, Zobo the clown, has indeed been circus-cized.

A guy and a giraffe walk into a bar. The giraffe gets drunk and passes out. Bartender says, "Hey, you can't leave that lyin' there." The guy replies, "that's not a lion, it's a giraffe."

A drunken man gets on a bus, staggers down the aisle, and sits next to an old lady. She looks at him and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell." The drunk jumps up and screams, "Whoa, I'm on the wrong bus!"

An eye patient who always wore eyeglasses was curious to see what he'd look like without them. So, he took them off and looked in the mirror. As it turned out, he just could not see himself without them.

An investment banker used all of a guy's money to buy a leather jacket and a motorcycle. When the guy asked for it back, the banker told him to sit on it. Sounds like he's running a Fonzi scheme!

A man's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Two guys were hanging at the bar. First guy says, "My wife is just like whiskey." Second guy comments, "Oh, she gets better with age?" "No," replies the first guy, "She gives me a headache."

Q. What's the difference between a man and the weather?
A. Nothing can be done to change either one.

Q. Why did it take the blonde guy a whole week to topple his heady beer?
A. 'Cause foam wasn't spilt in a day!

Brew Pub Fact of the Day: Men do make passes at girls with empty glasses.

Q. Why did the guy go to the brew pub to think before quitting his job?
A. Because he needed to draft a letter of resignation...

Q. What is it called when a fun guy ties his belt around a barroom seat and pulls it behind him?
A. A towed stool.

A man walks into the doctor's office with a carrot up his nose, celery in one ear and a banana in the other. He asks, "What's the matter with me?" The doctor replies, "You aren't eating properly."

Q. What is it called when a guy carves his pumpkin way too soon?
A. Premature e-jack-o-lantern.

Q. What is a group of peers, comprised of 12 well-endowed gentlemen, called?
A. A hung jury.

Q. What do you call a cheap guy who owns small horses but doesn't spend much money on them?
A. A pony-pincher.

Q. What does beer say to the guy who tells tall tales?
A. Cool story, Brew!

Q. Why did the college freshman blow chunks all over the house?
A. Because he wasn't party trained.

Crazy Thought of the Day: A man with a split personality went to a shrink. After the first session, he asked for the group rate.

Q. How did the stoner guy feel when he fell into a vat of cannabis-infused vodka?
A. He was in high spirits!

Q. What did the guy say when he bumped into a friend right after getting new glasses?
A. Hey, long time, no see!

Q. Why was the man so stunned when the eye doctor told him he was colorblind?
A. Because that came right out of the blue.

Buggy Point to Ponder: What do you call a male ladybug?

Q. Why was the guy with pink eye so happy he surfed into the eye doctor's web page?
A. Because it was a site for sore eyes!

A guy goes to an optician's office and asks how much glasses cost. The optician told him it varies. The guy said, "Oh, I see clearly..." So, the optician replied, "Well, you don't need them then!"

Q. Why didn't the guy tell his wife that he was using her deodorant?
A. 'Cause it's a Secret.

Q. Why did the jury find the courtroom masturbater not guilty?
A. He got off on a technicality.

Q. Why did Grandma explode?
A. Grandpa mixed up his Viagra and nitroglycerin. OUCH!

Q. What do you call a guy who only likes their own type of hosiery?
A. Homo-sock-ual.

Q. What was the cavewoman's pet name for her well-endowed mate?
A. The King of Clubs.

Manly Man Tip of the Day: Never hit a guy with glasses. Use your fists instead!

Did you hear about the fellow who got a bottle of fine wine for his mother-in-law? He thought that was a fair trade.

Q. What happened when the guy went to his dentist for root canal?
A. He lost his nerve!

Poor guy was in the hospital with 60% burns. Doc says, "Give him two Viagra." Nurse asks, "Do you think that will help?" Doc replies, "No, but it will keep the sheets off his legs!"

Q. Why did the guy ask his wife to dress up like a nurse?
A. To fulfill his fantasy that they had health insurance.

Q. Why did the guy pass out while he was shopping?
A. We don't have the faintest idea…

Q. What did the drone bee say when he returned home to the hive?
A. Honey, I'm Home!

Q. What happened when the guy decided to try on the pants he wore on his wedding day on his 5th wedding anniversary?
A. It was a waist of time.

Did you hear about the guy who quit drinking liquor for good? Now he drinks for evil.

Q. How are military men and sex alike?
A. The privates do all the work.

Q. What is it called when a military man suffers from premature ejaculation?
A. A dishonorable discharge.

Q. How is being enlisted in the military like a blow job?
A. The closer you are to discharge, the better you feel.

Q. What do you call a guy who likes to mix and match his stockings?
A. Hetero-sock-ual.

After the guy woke up from surgery, the nurse asked how he was feeling. He said he was okay, but didn't like hearing all the four-letter words in the OR. The nurse asked, "What did he say?" Guy answered, "OOPS!"

Two guys were fishing in a boat when one guy pulled a genie in a bottle out of the lake. The grateful genie grants them one wish. First guys says, "I wish this lake was full of beer." Poof! It's beer. Second guy says, "You idiot, now we have to pee in the boat!"

Q. Why couldn't the guy go to the contraception museum?
A. They wouldn't let him come inside.

When the bartender asked the patron if he wanted his whiskey without ice, the man replied, "Sure, that would be neat."

A guy was folding his pants, fresh out the dryer, and found a dollar in a pocket. His blonde girlfriend walked in and asked, "Beau, how long have you been laundering money?"

Q. Why can't men get mad cow disease?
A. Because men are all pigs.

Q. Why did the guy quit his job at the shoe recycling center?
A. Because it was sole depressing.

Q. What happened to the Irishman who thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year?
A. He gave up thinking.

Q. Why is Museum a codeword for Strip Club to manly men?
A. 'Cause there's no touching.

Q. What did the guy call the image of a drink flask on his arm?
A. A Thermos-tat.

Q. What did the guy say when he got underwear for Christmas?
A. In with the new and out with the holed.

Q. Where do male wolves like to hang out with the guys?
A. In the den.

Q. What does Mrs. Claus call Santa when he's not wearing any undies?
A. St. Knickerless.

Arresting Courtroom Point to Ponder: Why is it called manslaughter when a guy kills his wife?

Thanks for stopping by and see you again soon!

Join us on social media and please feel free to share our memes with friends and family:

©2017-2021 Painfulpuns.com All rights reserved.