Two surgeons were joking about sutures and had each other in stitches.   PainfulPuns.com - Sick Puns, Doctor Jokes, Healthy Humor

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Q. Does an apple a day keep the doctor away? A. Only if your aim is good!
Q. If your dog was a neuroloist, what would he do all day? A. He'd perform pet scans!
Q. What do you call a pickle doctor? A. A dill pusher!
Q. What do you call an eye doctor in Alaska? A. An optical Aleutian!

Did you hear about the cosmetic surgery clinic's new sign? "If life gives you lemons, we can give you melons!"

 


Doctor Jokes, Sick Medical Puns, Healthy Laughs
Viral jokes, sick medical humor, and deadly funny doctor puns are the cure for whatever ails you.

Sick Puns, Funny Medical Jokes, Doctor Humor
(Because Pills and Magic Bullets Are Far TOO Mainstream and a Diet of Healthy Laughter is the Best Medicine!)
Warning: Recommended By 4 Out of 5 Dentists. You Know the Painless Puns Drill. Proceed at Your Own Peril!
| Sick Medical Jokes, Hospital Puns, and Healthy Humor | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 |
| Doctor Jokes and Nurse Puns | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | Dentist Jokes & Toothy Grins | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
| Surgeon Jokes | Urologist Jokes | Constipation Jokes | Diarrhea Jokes | Blood Jokes | 2 |
| Dopey Pharmaceutical Jokes | Futuristic Medical Jokes | Sci-Fi Doctor Jokes | Dr. Who Jokes |
| Eye Doctor Jokes and Optometrist Humor | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | Eye Puns | Sick Pick-Up Lines |
| Optometry Jokes | Ophthalmology Jokes | Optician Puns | Glasses Jokes, Eyewear Spectacles |
| Shrink Humor, Psychiatrist Jokes, Insanely Crazy Puns | Brainy Puns and Cerebral Jokes | 2 |

Never lie to an X-ray technician. They can see right through you.Two podiatrists became arch enemies.A dentist married a manicurist, but they fought like tooth and nail!

Blonde Patient: What did the x-ray of my head show?
Doctor: Nothing.

Q. Why was the porno star sent home after her exam?
A. Because she was X-ray-ted.

Q. What does your dentist call x-rays?
A. Tooth-Pics!

Q. What is it called when a doctor tests your physical fitness level?
A. Looking at the vigor picture.

Q. What is a catscan?
A. When you're searching for Kitty.

When the hospital gives you one of those skimpy gowns, you know the end is in sight.

Q. What is it called when orthopedic surgeons lose their medical licenses?
A. Unorthodocs.

But now the rift is heeled and both now toe the line.

Did you hear about the new podiatrist office? Now he's got enough patients to foot the bill.

Nurse Notes: The patient is numb from her toes down...

Q. Why did the shoe go to the foot doctor?
A. It needed to be heeled.

Q. What's the difference between a podiatrist and an urologist?
A. One is a lot more impressed if you give him a foot.

Q. Why did that one nurse always vomit when a patient with no feet enters the ER?
A. Because she was lack toes intolerent.

Student Doctor: It looks like there's something written on this patient's big toe.
Famous Surgeon: Oh, yes. That's a footnote.

The dentist attended Emory and the manicurist still goes to Emery.

Q. What do you call a dentist who just can't stop working on teeth?
A. Abscessive Compulsive.

Q. Why couldn't the patient get her dentist's attention?
A. Because he was brushing her off.

Q. Why are dentists expert problem solvers?
A. They always get to the root of the problem.

Dental Point to Ponder: Why do dentist jokes make you feel down in the mouth?

Q. What is the favorite song of many dentists?
A. The Yanks Are Coming.

Q. What did Yoda's dentist say?
A. May the Floss Be With You!

Mad as I was, I didn't give the brain surgeon a piece of my mind.Sick Humor: They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type O.Proctologists reASSure patients their problem can be rectified. (Ouch!)

Q. Why do brain surgeons schedule surgery so early in the morning?
A. So that they can work ahead.

Brain Surgeon Tip of the Day: Losing your head in an emergency is a no brainer.

Q. Which kind of fish doctor performs cranial surgery?
A. A Brain Sturgeon!

Q. How does a head doctor give a blonde a brain transplant?
A. Blow in her ear.

Brain Surgeon Come-On: Hey there babe, if I synapse with you, we'll store some shared memories.

Bile Groan of the Day: A guy wasn't sure the surgeon could handle his hepatectomy, but the doctor did de-liver.

Sick Laugh of the Day: Medical errors are no laughing matter.

Q. Why do blonde nurses bring red markers to work?
A. Just in case they need to draw blood.

Q. Why did the two nurses hate each other?
A. Because there was bad blood between them.

Q. What is Autocorrect's blood type?
A. Typo Negative.

Nurse: Doc, we have lost our patient.
Doctor: Oh no, what happened?
Nurse: He recovered.

Q. How did the blonde nurse define artery?
A. The study of fine paintings.

Nursing Pick-Up Line: Hey big guy, nurses do it with intensive care.

Q. Which was the first medical professional to go all digital?
A. Proctologist!

Q. What is the difference between a psychologist and a proctologist?
A. Psychologists analyze, but proctologists anal-ize.

Q. Why did the proctologist quit his job?
A. Because he was tired of being the butt of all these shitty jokes.

Q. Why does the proctologist have PTSD?
A. Because he's truly seen some shit.

Q. How are enemas and divorces alike?
A. At first they're both pretty crappy, but in the end, they feel pretty good!

A guy accidentally butt dialed his proctologist. The doctor said he was getting tired of that shitty joke.

A guy walks into a psychiatrist office wearing only plastic wrap shorts. Shrink says: "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."Q. What Do You Call Two People in an Ambulance? A. Pair of MedicsA Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but mean your mother.

That shrink could see right through his egocentric behavior.

Q. What is the difference between a shrink and a magician?
A. A shrink pulls habits out of a rat!

Patient: I think I'm a rubber band.
Shrink: I see. Just stretch out on the couch and tell me all about it.

Patient: I feel like a pair of curtains.
Shrink: Try to pull yourself together.

Patient: Doc, I think I'm becoming invisible.
Shrink: Yes, I can clearly see you're not all there.

Q. Why did the psychiatrist stop treating extraterrestrials?
A. Because he couldn't find the patients.

Q. What is an ER?
A. The thing on the side of your head that you hear with.

Pick Up a Paramedic Line: Hey big guy, is that an epi-pen in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

EMT Hookup Line: Hey babe, we always come when we are called.

Q. Why does the cast always overact on medical dramas?
A. For traumatic effect.

Medical Pick-Up Line: Someday I hope to be your emergency contact.

Medical Quote of the Day: Upon examination of the genetalia, Zobo the clown, has indeed been circus-cized.

My psychiatrist sent me for an MRI because she thinks I have a magnetic personality.

Q. When should you take a cookie to a psychiatrist?
A. When it feels crummy.

A man tells his shrink that he's having recurring dreams. One night he's a tepee and the next he's a wigwam... The shrink replied, "I think you're too tents."

Patient: I think I'm suffering from Deja Vu.
Psychiatrist: Didn't I see you yesterday?

Patient: Doc, I don't know why I've always been addicted to coins.
Shrink: I just can't make heads or tails of it.

Patient: Doc, I think I'm a caterpillar.
Shrink: Don't worry. You'll change soon.

My Pig Had a Rash, So the Vet Gave Her Some Oinkment.Did you hear about the opticican? Two glasses, and he made a spectacle of himself.Holistic Elf Doctor is a Gnome-EOPATH.

Medical Point to Ponder: Why is an animal doc called a vet instead of a dogtor?

Q. Why did the pony go to the doctor?
A. Because he was a little hoarse.

Did you hear about the vet and taxidermist that went into business together? Their slogan is: Either Way, You Get Your Pet Back.

Q. Why did the sheep go to the doctor?
A. Because it was feeling really baaad.

A man returned to the vet clinic to see if his pet's surgery was successful. Vet says, "Here's the bill. Unfortunately, we couldn't reattach it to your duck."

Q. What is the medical term for owning too many dogs?
A. Roverdose.

Have you heard about the old woman who got the Amish Flu. First she got a little horse, then she got a little buggy...

Q. What do they say about horse surgeons?
A. They have stable hands.

Q. What do a near-sighted gynecologist and a dog have in common?
A. Wet noses.

Teacher: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
First Grader: Don't bite any!

Optometry jokes just keep getting cornea...

Q. Why was the hunky optician so popular with the ladies?
A. He had specs appeal!

Q. How can you tell you've got a great optometrist?
A. His eye puns are as corneas it gets!

Q. Why was the eye doctor always so happy?
A. He was an Opto-mist!

Q. Why did the dalmation go to the eye doctor?
A. Because he was seeing spots.

Did you hear about the blind guy who went to his optometrist with his guide dog? The doctor replaced the dog and asked, "Is number two better?"

Q. How do optometrists describe their work?
A. As an eye-opening experience.

Q. What did the immigrant first-grader say after his first visit to the eye doctor?
A. Do you have the same chart, but in English?

Q. What did the judge say about the bad eye doctor pun during the trial?
A. Eye will allow it.

Medical Moan of the Day: A boy was born without eye lids, so surgeons circumcised him and grafted the foreskin on. Doctors report the boy is fine, but a little cock-eyed.

Q. How did the intuitive doctor know what was wrong with his patient?
A. He used his sick sense.

Patient: I'd like a second opinion.
Doctor: Of course. Come back tomorrow.

Medical Point to Ponder: If a doctor's office has two M.D.s on call all the time, is that a parodox?

Q. What do you call a doctor who lives at a tent-filled resort to treat visitor's afflictions?
A. A camp-pain manager.

Q. What is a medical staff?
A. What a lame doctor walks with.

Q. Why don't doctors ever go on strike?
A. Because nobody, other than a pharmacist, could read their picket signs.

Never see a doctor whose office plants have died.
– Erma Bombeck.

Medical Bug of the Day: When I told the doctor I was having memory problems, she made me pay in advance.

Q. What did the orthopedic doctor become after he retired and bought a hotel?
A. A room-atologist.

Medical Point to Ponder: Can Sick Pick-Up Lines actually make you ill?

| Sick Medical Jokes, Hospital Puns, and Healthy Humor | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 |
| Doctor Jokes and Nurse Puns | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | Dentist Jokes & Toothy Grins | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
| Surgeon Jokes | Urologist Jokes | Constipation Jokes | Diarrhea Jokes | Blood Jokes | 2 |
| Dopey Pharmaceutical Jokes | Futuristic Medical Jokes | Sci-Fi Doctor Jokes | Dr. Who Jokes |
| Eye Doctor Jokes and Optometrist Humor | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | Eye Puns | Sick Pick-Up Lines |
| Optometry Jokes | Ophthalmology Jokes | Optician Puns | Glasses Jokes, Eyewear Spectacles |
| Shrink Humor, Psychiatrist Jokes, Insanely Crazy Puns | Brainy Puns and Cerebral Jokes | 2 |


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