| Happy
Freud Day Friday!
Did
you hear about the shrink who spent a long weekend at a
winter psychologist convention in Aspen? On Monday morning,
he reported that he'd never seen so many Freudian slips.
Patient:
I feel like a spoon.
Shrink: Okay, sit down and try not to stir.
Shrink:
How do you see yourself?
Dracula: I don't.
Patient:
I think I'm turning into a frog.
Shrink: No, you're just playing too much croquet.
Q.
Why did the rope go to a psychiatrist?
A. Because its nerves were frayed.
Patient:
I think I'm a mosquito.
Shrink: Go away sucker!
On
the Shrink's Couch: My psychiatrist told me a great way
to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you
hate, and then bury them. That really did help! Now I'm
wondering what to do with the letters?
Patient:
Doc, I feel like a sheep.
Shrink: Oh, that's baaaaaad.
Q.
How many shrinks does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Ir depends whether your mother changed the bulbs, or
if your father did. If you changed the bulbs, you might
as well just do it now, too.
Patient:
Doc, I don't know why I've always been addicted to coins.
Shrink: I just can't make heads or tails of it.
Q.
How many psychologists does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A. Geesh, it doesn't take a Ph.d to replace a burned out
bulb, you know!
Q.
Which mental patient wrote the book, I think I'm Not
Crazy?
A. Lune E. Tikk.
Q.
Which psychiatrist wrote the self-help book, One More
Way To Deal With Stress?
A. Val E. Umm. |
When
two egotists meet for lunch, it's an I for an I.
Patient:
Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog!
Shrink: Lie down on the couch and I'll examine you.
Patient: I can't. I'm not allowed on the furniture!
Q.
When should you take a cookie to a psychiatrist?
A. When it feels crummy.
Patient:
I think I'm turning into a dog.
Shrink: How long have you felt that way?
Patient: Ever since I was whelped.
Patient:
I feel like I'm turning into a bear.
Psychiatrist: How long have you felt this way?
Patient: Ever since I was a cub.
Q.
Why was the guy so bad tempered when he was sulking and
pouting?
A. Because he needed to learn better moping skills.
Q.
Why did photographers see shrinks more often before digital
cameras?
A. They tended to be depressed because they spent so much
time developing negatives.
Crazy
Thought of the Day: My dad sent me to the shrink because
he caught me wearing his bra yesterday.
Q.
Why did the dumb mental patient stand in the corner of the
psychiatrist's waiting room and blow hot air on everybody
there?
A. Because he's a big fan of Dr. Phil.
Q.
Which former patient wrote the book, Mental Health Changed
Me?
A. Lou Nee Bynn.
Patient:
I think I'm a turtle.
Shrink: Relax. Soon we'll get you out of your shell.
Q.
How many shrinks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Why do you ask?
Q.
What do you call the short insane guy at the mental hospital
who claims he's a little green space man?
A. An Astro-Nut!
Q.
What did the shrink say about the lobster that couldn't
go into tight spaces?
A. He's claws-trophobic.
|
Q.
How many screws does it take to change a shrink?
A. Bulb, you really are burned out.
Patient:
I think I'm a moth.
Shrink: Please get out of my light.
Patient:
I feel like an apple.
Shrink: Okay, we'll try to get to the core of that.
Q.
How many shrinks does it take to change a light bulb?
A. How long have you beleved you've been in the dark?
Q.
Why was the architect seeing a psychiatrist?
A. Because he had an edifice complex.
Patient:
I keep thinking there are two of me.
Shrink: One at a time, please.
Guy
walks into a psychiatrist's office and says, "Doctor,
you've got to help me. I think I'm a deck of cards."
The shrink replies, "Sit over there, and I'll deal
with you later."
Q.
Who wrote the book, I'm Pretty Spaced Out?
A. Luna Tyckk.
Patient:
Doc, I keep dreaming there's a monster under my bed. What
can I do?
Shrink: Saw the legs off your bed frame.
Q.
Why was the psychiatrist so happy to receive a wicker attache?
A. 'Cause he always wanted a basket case.
Patient:
Doc, I feel like a hundred-dollar bill.
Psychiatrist: Go to the store. Change would do you good.
Patient:
Doctor, everybody thinks I'm trash.
Shrink: Oh, don't talk rubbish!
Patient:
I keep thinking I'm a bee.
Shrink: Oh buzz off, can't you see I'm busy?
Q.
How many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A. Just one. Shrinks are not crazy.
Q.
Do old psychiatrists ever die?
A. No, they just shrink away. |
