Q. How many lawyer jokes are there?
A. Just this one. The rest are all true stories!

Q. What's the main problem with lawyer jokes?
A. Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes!

Q. What happens when you give a lawyer Viagra?
A. He gets taller.

Q. What's the difference between lawyers and a herd of bison?
A. Lawyers charge more.

Q. What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A. When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.

Ouch! Bloody funny lawyer joke:
Q. What is the difference between a leech and a lawyer?
A. The leech stops bleeding you after you're dead.

Q. Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A. Professional courtesy.

Q. How is attending a Bar Association meeting like going to a bait shop?
A. There is an abundance of worms, maggots, nightcrawlers, and suckers.

Q. What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
A. His partners.

Q. What do attorneys call a lawsuit against a zombie?
A. Deceased and desist.

Q. What is a criminal lawyer?
A. Redundant.

Did you hear about the dentist who was convicted of incisor trading?

The dentist's alibi was full of holes, so police performed a cavity search. OUCH!

Q. What do lawyers say when they pose for photographs?
A. Fees.

Q. What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer riding a motorcycle?
A. The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.

Q. Where do lawyers meet for lunch?
A. At the food court.

Q. How does a lawyer sleep?
A. First he lies on one side, then he rolls over and lies on the other side.

Q. What do DAs call crimes that cops solve quickly?
A. Brief cases.

Q. What do you call the only person who is smiling and courteous at a Bar Association meeting?
A. The bartender.

Q. What do lawyers call new business generated by word-of-mouth recommendations?
A. Client-tell.

Q. What's the difference between a porcupine and a Lexus full of lawyers?
A. The pricks are on the outside of the porcupine.

Q. Which type of underwear do judges wear?
A. Legal Briefs.

Q. Why are joggers excused from jury duty?
A. Lawyers don't want to risk a runaway jury.

Q. What do you call a nun who's also an attorney?
A. A sister-in-law.

Q. What's the difference between lawyers and buzzards?
A. Lawyers have removable wingtips.

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A. The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

Q. What separates witnesses from the lowest form of life on earth?
A. The wooden partition around the witness stand.

Q. What is the one thing that never works right when it's fixed?
A. A jury.

Q. What happened when the lawyer became a tailor?
A. He started sewing everybody!

Q. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Three. One to screw the bulb, one to hold the ladder, and one to sue the ladder company.

Q. What's the difference between a prostitute and a lawyer?
A. The prostitute will stop screwing you once you're dead.

Q. What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A. An offer you can't understand.

Did you hear about the lawyer who loves to cook? Now he's a sue chef!

Q. Why did the blonde lawyer have a broken nose?
A. From chasing parked ambulances.

Q. What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A. A doberman pinscher.

Q. How did the woman refer to her ex-husband after the divorce?
A. As her bitter half.

Q. What's the difference between a gigolo and a lawyer?
A. The gigolo only screws one person at a time.

Q. What did the jury have when a basketball player testified at trial?
A. Court-side seats.

Q. Why do vampire lawyers hate arguments?
A. Because they don't want to get cross.

Q. What's the difference between a vampire and a lawyer?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q. What do honest lawyers and UFOs have in common?
A. You always hear about them, but you never see one.

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A. The leech stops sucking your blood after you're dead.

Q. Why don't old lawyers ever die?
A. Because they threaten the doctor with malpractice.

Legal Point to Ponder: Aren't lawyers in the courtroom being judged, too?

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?
A. The pronunciation.

Q. What's the difference between a jellyfish and a lawyer?
A. One's a spineless, poisonous blob. The other is a jellyfish.

Q. How is a sinking ship like a person in jail?
A. Both need to be bailed out!

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
A. One is a slimy scum-sucking bottom feeder. The other is a fish.

Q. What did the sea lion say when he was falsely accused?
A. Hey, it was the otter guy!

Q. Do old lawyers ever die?
A. No, but they lose their briefs.

Q. When did the criminal finally get wise?
A. After the judge threw the book at him!

Today's Court Order: Those who committed audacious acts shall remain shameless.

Judge: Have you anything to offer this court before I pass sentence?
Defendant: No Your Honor, my lawyer took every penny.

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a mosquito?
A. One is a blood-sucking parasite; the other is an insect.

Q. How did the trial for the wrought iron gate company go?
A. It was an open and shut case.

Q. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Lawyers don't change light bulb, even though they're great at screw jobs.

Q. Why are journalists more noble than lawyers?
A. A lawyer ruins somebody's life for $500 per hour, but a journalist does it for free.

Q. Do old lawyers ever die?
A. No, but they do lose their judgement.

Q. Why was the man arrested for looking at sets of dentures in the dentist's window?
A. It's against the law to pick your teeth in public.

Q. What is a deal brokered by a Kraken called?
A. Squid pro quo.

Q. How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A. His lips are moving.

Q. What's the difference between baseball and law?
A. In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.

Q. Why does the legal society prohibit lawyers from sleeping with their clients?
A. To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

Lawyer: My client is clearly trapped in a penny.
Judge: How so?
Lawyer: He is in a cent.

Q. How did the clever blonde lawyer sway the judge?
A. She dropped her briefs before court.

Q. What do you call a marsupial lawyer?
A. A kanga-sue.

Q. What do you call a judge who is exceptionally honest?
A. Tried and true.

Legal Brief: There are two kinds of lawyers – those who know the law, and those who know the judge.

Judge: Why did you steal that bird?
Defendant: It was just a lark.

Q. What's the difference between a dead skunk on the road and a dead lawyer on the road?
A. There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

Q. How do petroleum companies deal with a big oil spill?
A. They use slick lawyers.

Q. Why did God create lawyers?
A. So garbage men would have somebody to look down on.

Q. What finally killed the old politician?
A. He ran once too often.

Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

Q. How can a pregnant woman tell she's carrying a future lawyer?
A. She has uncontrollable cravings for bologna.

Q. What does a lawyer call will sections covering family members?
A. Relative clauses.

Q. What defense did a monk's lawyer use against a charge of public nudity?
A. I was robed!

Q. What is the difference between a lady lawyer and a pitbull?
A. The pitbull looks good in lipstick.

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
A. You cry when you cut an onion.

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of manure?
A. The bucket.

Q. Why did the lawyer call the grizzly to the stand?
A. So he could bear witness.

Q. What did Dracula's wife say to the divorce lawyer after she caught the Count cheating on her?
A. Just bleed him dry!

Q. Which day of the week do TV ad ambulance chasers like best?
A. SuesDay!

Q. What do lawyers do after they die?
A. They lie still.

Q. What do high-priced attorneys wear to court?
A. Expensive Lawsuits.

Q. What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?
A. The accountant knows he's boring.

When the lawyer woke up after surgery, he asked, "Why are all the drapes and blinds closed?" The doctor replied, "There's a big fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."

Q. What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A. A good lawyer drags your case on for years. A great lawyer makes it last even longer.

Old lawyers never die, but they certainly do lose their appeal.

Q. What were the people who testified at the Salem Witch Trials called?
A. Witchnesses.

Q. Where are you if you're drunk before a sitting judge?
A. At bar.

Q. What did the legal team call the happy ending of a stoner court case?
A. Joint resolution.

Q. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 100?
A. Your Honor.

Q. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 90?
A. Senator.

Q. What do you call a blonde lawyer with an IQ of 69?
A. Sue.

Q. How was copper wire invented?
A. Two tax attorneys were fighting over a penny.

Legal Advice of the Day: Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree.

Q. What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A. A good lawyer drags your case on for years. A great lawyer know the judge.

Q. Why was Wolverine fired from the law firm?
A. Because he didn't read the contract's claws.

Q. Which day of the week is a lawyer's second favorite?
A. Try Day. His favorite is Sues Day.

Attorney at Law Point to Ponder: Why aren't there any Lawyer Pick-Up Lines?

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