What do you get if you cross a bullet with a leafless tree? A Cartridge In A Bare Tree   PainfulPuns.com - Puns, Jokes, Word Play, Groaners, Ouch!

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Q. Which kind
of snake
can join the

A. A Sir-pent.

Tried to buy camouflage pants, but I just couldn't find any

Q. Where
can you send
a kid who
just can't
learn to
tie his shoes?

A. Boot Camp.



Army Jokes, Military Puns, Troops Humor
March along with sir-ious officer puns, armed forces LOLs, veteran humor and drill sergeant jokes.

Military Jokes, Soldier Puns, General Humor
(Because Major Jokes and Private Puns Couldn't Be TOO Mainstream for the Brave Men and Women Who Defend Us!)
Warning: Proceed with Caution! Air Force jokes, Marine Corps humor, Navy jokes and base army puns ahead.
| Military Jokes, Soldier Puns | Fireman Jokes, Arson Puns | Politician Jokes, Political Puns |
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Q. What do you get if you drop a piano on an army base? A. A Flat Major!

Q. Why won't they let
artists join
the army?

A. 'Cause they
tend to draw
enemy fire.

Q. What did an army guy do before becoming a dentist? A. He was a drill sergeant!

Q. Which Beach Boys song was about people active in various American military branches?
A. Servin' U.S.A.

Q. What happened when the soldier went to a bar in enemy territory?
A. He got bombed.

Q. What is it called when a military man suffers from premature ejaculation?
A. A dishonorable discharge.

Q. If coffee-loving ROTC cadets had a fraternity, what would they wear?
A. Kappa Chinos.

Q. Which kind of weekly television programs features high-ranking naval officers?
A. Situation commodores.

Q. What happened to the private who lost his arms in combat?
A. He shouldered on.

Did you hear about the guy who was a cook in the military? He was proud to serve in the army.

Q. Why did a ghost try to enlist in the US Army?
A. He wanted to become a corporeal.

Q. Why do military personel often marry spouses from countries where they've been stationed?
A. 'Cause they get to leave their in-laws thousands of miles away when they come back home.

Q. What happened to the black belt karate master when he joined the army?
A. They first time he saluted, he gave himself a concussion.

Q. Why did the high school teacher quit to join the military?
A. The risk of being shot was not as great.

Q. What is it called when a drill sergeant commands soldiers to rise to their feet?
A. A standing order.

Q. Which kind of cannibal only eats former military personeel?
A. A veteran-arian.

Q.How can you tell which car belongs to the Air Force dentist?
A. The license plate says, "TOP GUM."

Q. How is being enlisted in the military like a blow job?
A. The closer you are to discharge, the netter you feel.

Q. What is it called when privates are enlisted to remodel the army base cafeteria?
A. Making a mess!

Q. Why did the military use acid?
A. To neutralize the rebel base.

Q. How do respectful
troops address
the general?

A. By
his sir name.

Q. What do you get if you cross a pigeon and a general? A. A Military Coo!

Q. What is a
retired Marine
with a salt
and pepper
beard called?

A. A seasoned

Q. What do you call the guy who sorts out all the confusing info gathered on recon missions?
A. An intel processor.

Q. Which US generals are the most highly paid?
A. General Electric, General Motors, and General Dynamics.

Q. What do you call a high-ranking military officer taking part in a multi-game sports contest?
A. A tourney general.

Q. What are army officer commands always so vague?
A. 'Cause they speak in general terms.

Q. Which US army officer knows a little bit about a lot of topics?
A. General Knowledge.

Q. How are war veterans and plumbers alike?
A. You wouldn't believe the shit they've seen.

Q. Why did the military round up all the pigeons?
A. To stop any sort of a coo.

Q. Which kind of wild stag can join the Air Force?
A. A bombardeer.

Q. What is an army unit of nuns called?
A. Force of Habit.

Q. How did the 5'6" military leader get his troops to stand at attention?
A. In short order.

Q. Why are military dress codes so strict?
A. To miminize casual tees

Q. Which dive style are infantry men the best at?
A. The cannonball!

Q. Which branch of the military can rabbits serve in?
A. The Hare Force.

Q. What do you call a soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray?
A. A well-seasoned veteran.

Q. Which type of guy does an army cook use?
A. A salt rifle.

Q. What do you call an army cook in a combat zone?
A. A Pressure Cooker!

Mess Hall Officer: Why didn't you prepare all the dishes on that long list?
Private on KP: Because I'm a short order cook.

Two mess hall cooks had a heated argument, but after they simmered down, they decided to just hash it out.

Ex GI: My wife keeps our house in strict military order.
Ex Sarge: How so?
Ex GI: The kitchen is a real mess.

Befor deciding to start a war, shouldn't both sides consider the peaceable outcomes?
You might be from Colorado if every movie theater offers military and student discounts!
To figure out how to send orange juice to WWII troops, researchers had to concentrate!

Q. If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q. Which kind of underwear comes with a GI Joe doll?
A. None. 'Cause they go comando.

Q. How are the military and sex alike?
A. The privates do all the work.

Q. Which month do soldiers like the least?
A. March.

Grumpy Drill Sergeant: I didn't see you at camouflage practice this morning?!?
Private: Sir, thank you very much!

Wise Military Words of the Day: Trench warfare should always be a last ditch effort.

Q. Why did the gnome fall back along with the army?
A. 'Cause he didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.

Q. Why do military sniper's always close one eye while they aim?
A. If they closed both, they couldn't see the target.

Q. What is information?
A. The way military members march.

Q. What do Air Force pilots and air traffic controllers have in common?
A. If a pilot messes up, he'll die. If an air controller messes up, the pilot will die.

Q. What does the Air Force call a large formation of MAC aircraft headed toward a target?
A. A Big Mac attack.

Q. How do you play Air Force Bingo?
A. A-10, B-42, F-16...

Airforce Academy Cadet: So you're telling me you're in the Navy, yet don't know how to swim?
Navy Seal Recruit: Bud, you're in the Air Force. Can you fly?

Q. What is the term for gun-tting babies?
A. The Infantry.

Q. Why is the military using dolls to fight ISIS?
A. 'Cause they've developed a new sex doll that blows itself up.

Q. Which kind of citrus fruit do sailors like best?
A. Naval oranges!

Q. Why did the citrus fruit join the military?
A. Because it was a navel orange.

Q. Why was the citrus fruit a draft dodger in 1969?
A. Agent Orange was against its religion.

Q. Which day of the week really floats a navy captain's boat?
A. Aye Day.

Q. What was the spiteful, bickering guy's position aboard the Navy ship?
A. Petty Officer.

Q. What is long and hard, and full of seamen?
A. A submarine.

Q. What did the new baby say to it's former milartary mom afteer she gave birth?
A. Thanks for yur cervix.

Q. What did the sailor say to his troubled Navy buddy?
A. We're all in the same boat.

Q. How does
the army
fuse things together?

A. They
use soldiering

Two Fish Are in a Tank. One Asks the Other: "How Do You Drive This Thing?"


ones do.

Did you hear about the accident on the army base? A tank ran over a box of popcorn and killed two kernels. OUCH!

Q. How is the corn army different from the regular army?
A. Every soldier is a kernel.

Q. How many US Marines does it take to change a light bulb?
A. 49. One to screw it in, and 48 to guard him.

Q. How many Viet Nam vets does it take to change a light bulb?
A. You don't know. You weren't there, man!

Q. What does China call a vessel in their naval fleet?
A. A censor ship.

Q. What did the Navy guy say to the Coast Guard guy when their ships passed?
A. SEAL you later.

Q. How is the submarine captain's pay?
A. Not great. He can't keep his head above water.

Q. Which course did the shot-fused, quick-tempered Navy captain have to take before heading back out to sea?
A. Anchor Management.

Q. What did Old MacDonald sell at his toy store?
A. GI Gi Joe.

Q. Which naval command causes sailors to start using their computers and smart phones?
A. All hands on tech!

Q. What did the navy captain say when a sailor capsized a dingy?
A. You should have known boater!

Q. During which time period did the navy captain put out the most distress calls?
A. During his mayday heyday.

Q. What kind of music do sea sailors listen to aboard a dingy?
A. Rock n Row.

Q. Which dating website is for submarine sailors on shore leave?
A. Hatch dot com.

Q. What is a submarine?
A. A replacemt officer.

Q. Why didn't the Navy sailor want to do a tour on a submarine?
A. He didn't want to serve on board a ship that sinks on purpose.

US Navy Point to Ponder: Why is the the official color Navy Blue instead of Aqua Marine?

Q. What is a slug aboard an air craft carrier called?
A. A snailor.

Memorial Day Thought: When promising to respect our veterans, respect is a word of honor.

Old soldiers never die, they just get re-commissioned.

Q. Do old navy captains ever die?
A. No, they just drift away.

Old sailing ship captains never die. They just can't sea as well.

Q. Do old classic cartoon sailormen ever really die?
A. No, they just lose their porpoise.

Old sailors never die. They just sail into the sunset.

Q. Do old Air Force test pilots ever die?
A. No, they just move on up to a higher plane.

Q. How did the old fighter pilot die?
A. He just took off.

Old military pilots never die, they just buzz off into the sunset.

Old military personel never truly die. They just get deployed to a mission on a higher plane. Blessings to you.

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