A novice bartender walks into a church, a temple and a mosque. He has no idea how bar jokes work!

Q. What did the bartender say to the chamelon that walked into the bar?
A. Okay, if your wife calls, I didn't see you.

A piece of sandpaper walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What'll it be?" Sandpaper replies, "Oh, just something to take the edge off."

A lighter walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Sorry, I can't serve you." Lighter asks, "Why not?" Bartender replies, "You haven't even had one drink, and you're already lit!

A gnome walks into the bar and orders a martini. Bartender says, "Sorry, I can serve you. You're a little drunk."

An empty bottle walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Sorry, I can't serve you. You're already drunk."

Q. How does a new bartender get to know his regular customers?
A. He establishes a good re-pour.

Godot walks into a bar. Bartender says, "There are two guys waiting here for you."

The last man on Earth walks into a bar and says, "Drink, I'd like another bartender."

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
– Tom Waits.

Bartender Pick-Up Line: Hey babe, is your name Toddy? 'Cause you sure are hot.

An umpire walks into a bar. Bartender asks what he'd like. The umpire says, "Highball."

Q. What did the bartender say when a ghost walked into the bar?
A. Sorry, we don't serve spirits here.

Bartender Wisdom: The hardest part of the job is figuring out who is drunk and who is just stupid.

Q. What did the bartender say to the patron who was drinking his vodka way too fast?
A. Stop, Russian!

Pick Up a Bartender Line: Hey babe, can you shake that booty just like you shake that drink?

He was in a pub when he proposed. It was very romantic – he got up on one knee.

A monk, a priest, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Hey! Is this some kind of joke?"

Q. What does a ghost order when he walks into a bar?
A. BOOs!

A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a Double Entendre. So, he gives it to her.

C, E-Flat, and G walk into a bar. Bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors here."

Q. What did the guy say when the bartender asked if he wanted his Wild Turkey without ice?
A. Sure, that'd be neat!

Helium walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble gasses." ... Helium doesn't react.

Q. What happened when Thomas Edison walked into a bar?
A. The bartender said, "Okay, I'll serve you, but don't get any ideas!"

Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar. And doesn't.

A brain walks into a bar and asks for a beer. Bartender says, "Sorry, I can't serve you. You're already out of your head."

Q. What is it called when a guy ties his belt around a barroom seat and pulls it behind him?
A. A towed stool.

A chicken walks into a bar. The bartender says: "We don't serve poultry!" The chicken says: "That's okay, I just want a drink."

Q. What happened when a five-dollar bill walked into the bar?
A. Bartender said, "Sorry, this is a singles bar."

Bar Pick-Up Line: Hey babe, I'm not drunk. I'm just intoxicated by your beauty.

The Number 13 walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Sorry, we can't serve you. You're under 21."

A guy walks into a graveyard bar and asks the bartender for a beer. Bartender replies, "Sorry, we only serve spirits here."

A hamburger walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve burgers here." Hamburger replies, "That's okay, I only want a beer."

A potato walks into a bar. Yes, all eyes were on him!

Two eggs, a sausage, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. Bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here."

A gun walks into a bar. Bartender says, "I can't serve you. You're already loaded."

Bartender Pick Up Line: Hey baby, how do you keep that ice from melting when you are that hot?

A man walks into a bar. He says, "Ouch!"

A gray storm cloud blew into a bar. Bartender say, "Sorry, I can't sevw you. You're thunder-age."

A man walks into a bar owned by horses. The bartender asks, "Why the short face?"

A horse ambles into a bar. Bartender looks up and says, "Hey!" The horse replies, "Yes, you read my mind."

A steer walks into a bar. Bartender asks, "Have you herd any good jokes lately?"

Skunk walks into a bar and asks, "Hey, where did everybody go?"

A cat walks into a bar. Then out of the bar. Then back in. Then out again...

A DON'T WALK sign walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Hey, you can't do that!"

Q. Why did the outlaw walk into the bar with a paper towel over his hair?
A. Because he had a Bounty on his head.

Julius Caesar walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a Martinus. Bartender asks, "Do you mean Martini?" Caesar replied, "No, If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it."

A German walks into a bar and orders a Martini. Bartender asks, "Dry?" German guy replies, "Nein, just one."

The judge, jury, and executioner walk into a bar. Bartender asks, "Table for one?" Guy replies, "Yes. Officer's discount."

Q. What do you call the old owner who won't sell her tavern?
A. Barkeeper.

A guy walks into a bar and yells, "All lawyers are A-holes!" Man at the end of the bar says, "Hey, I object to that!" Guy asks, "Why, are you a lawyer?" Man replies, "No, I'm an A-hole."

Q. What did the bartender say to the dung beetle that walked into the bar?
A. Just pull up a stool.

Some bacteria walk into a bar. Bartender says, "We don't serve germs here." The bacteria replied, "But, we work here. We're Staph!"

Tarzan wanders into a bar followed by a bruin. Bartender asks, "What's your story?" Tarzan say, "Bear with me."

An infectious disease walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve your type here." The disgusted germ walks out muttering, "You are not a good host."

A guy walks into a bar. He says, "OUCH!" ... It was a crowbar.

A TV sitcom walks into a bar. Bartender say, "Cheers!"

Two quotation marks "walk into" a bar.

Did you hear about the amnesiac who walked into a bar? He asked a blonde if he comes there often...

Q. What's the difference between a zebra and a bartender?
A. A zebra has bars all around its butt, but the bartender has assholes all around his bar..

Q. What is the most common pick-up line at a bears' singles bar?
A. What's ursine?

A nun walks into a bar with her clothes on inside out. When the bartender asked her about it, she replied, "It's a bad habit."

Corn on the cob walks into a bar. Bartender asks, "Wanna hear a good joke?" Corn replies, "Sure, I'm all ears."

Bartender Fact of the Day: Bartenders do it however you like it!

A cable TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between 7 and 2."

Q. What did the bartender say after the beaver walked into his bar?
A. Please shut the dam door!

Q. What were the spaced aliens doing at the bar until closing time?
A. Preparing for Lift Off.

A tissue walks into a bar and the bartenders asks if he wants a drink. Tissues says, "No you idiot, it'll go right through me." Bartender replies, "Well, you don't have to get all snotty about it.

An SEO expert walks into a bar for a quick drink, sip, ale, pint, cocktail, brew, refreshment, beverage, shot, gulp...

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