Oh no! My wine glass is empty. Somebody call Wine-One-One!

Q. Why do winos love cheap wine puns?
A. Because wine snobs hate them!

Wine Lovers Rhyme: A friend of wine is a friend of mine!

Q. Are there any funny red wine jokes at PainfulPuns?
A. You bet Shiraz there are!

Wine Fact of the Day: An empty wine bottle is filled with happy memories!

Wine Lovers Thought of the Day: Where there's wine, there's a way.

I'm a wine enthusiast. The more wine I drink, the more enthusiastic I get.

Somebody mentioned I could make ice cubes out of leftover wine. I'm confused. What's leftover wine?

Q. How can you tell a wine taster is a newbie?
A. By the blanc look on her face.

Q. Why was the white wine's off-beat pun so boo-ed?
A. Because it was too corky.

Q. What happened when a clumsy sommelier tried to decant a bottle of fine wine?
A. Things went pour-ably wrong.

Q. Which type of wine only comes in a box?
A. Carbordeaux.

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two time a week, we go to a nice restaurant and have a litle wine and some good food. She goes on Friday, and I go on Saturday.

Q. Why do we love wine puns?
A. Because they're grape!

Q. Why do we enjoy wine jokes?
A. Because they're de-vine!

Vine Thought of the Day: Choosy moms choose wine!

Q. Why do women takes baths to relax?
A. Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.

Q. What time do ladies drink wine?
A. At Wine O'Clock.

Q. How can you tell you drink too much wine?
A. The phlebotomist needs to use a corkscrew to get a blood sample from you.

Gluten-free, dairy-free, fat-free – I love this new Champagne Diet!

Fine Wine Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, you're eyes are as sparkling as this glass of champagne.

Q. Where do connoisseurs lock up their best bottles?
A. In a wine cabernet.

I cook with food. Sometimes I even add it to the food.
– W.C. Fields.

Q. Why do wine lovers guzzle down vine humor?
A. Because wine jokes are a barrel of laughs.

Q. How does cabernet like to travel abroad?
A. On a cruise sip.

Q. Why did Mrs. Wine Grape run away from home?
A. She was tired of raisin a family.

I enjoy a glass of wine each night for the health benefits. The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and stellar dance moves!

Q. Why does your grandma like wine so much?
A. Because at her age, she needs glasses!

Wine Connoisser Point to Ponder: Did Marilyn drink Merlot?

Q. Which type of wine do horses request most often?
A. Chardon-neigh.

Fine Wine Pick-Up Line: Hey babe, what are you doing this fall? 'Cause I'd like to make you part of the season's harvest.

Wine Wisdom: Wine improves with age. The older I get, the better I like it.

My wife hates it when I mess with her red wine. I added fruit and orange juice, and now she sangria than ever!

Q. What do you call the guy who chooses a suitable fortified Spanish wine?
A. A Sherry Picker.

Accept what life offers you and try to drink from every cup. All wines should be tasted; some should only be sipped, but with others, drink the whole bottle. – Paulo Coelho.

Fine Wine Pick-Up Line: Hey there Red, would you like to plant a vineyard on me?

Old vintners never really die. They just ferment away.

I have joy in my heart and a glass of wine in my hand. A coincidence? I think not.

Great wine requires a mad man to grow the vine, a wise man to watch over it, a lucid poet to make it, and a lover to drink it.
– Salvador Dali.

Wino Woe: Forgive me, for I have zinned!

Q. Why did Wonder Woman rescue the Wine?
A. Because that's what grape lady superheroes do!

Q. What is a terrorist's preferred kind of wine?
A. White Infidel.

Q. Which fruity alcoholic beverages do pigs like to gulp down?
A. Swine coolers.

I told my wife that a man is like fine wine; husbands get better with age. The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.

Q. Which mammal absolutely loves Merlot and Cabernet?
A. The Wineoceros.

Wine Lovers Tip of the Day: Life is too short to drink bad wine.

Fine Wine Pick-Up Line: Hey there Red, I'd like nothing more than to lay you sideways.

Party Host: Would you like to try some mulled wine?
Party Guest: I'll have to think it over...

Q. Why don't old vintners ever die?
A. Because they just get better and better with age.

Wine Lovers Pun of the Day: Seven days without wine makes one weak.

Q. Which sports team do wine lovers always root for?
A. The Reds!

I will drink milk when cows eat grapes.
– Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec.

Wine Point to Ponder: It's funny how breaking a wine glass gives you good luck, breaking a mirror gives you seven years of bad luck, and breaking a condom gives you...

Fine Wine Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, Wow! And I thought my wine had nice legs!

Q. How do you know you're a true Trekkie?
A. You can order blood wine in Klingon, Ferengi, Klingon and Vulcan.

I can't wait for the day when I can drink wine with my kids instead of because of them!

Q. Where does wine catch up on all the vineyard dirt?
A. Through the grapevine.

Q. What does a cat lady say on Friday night?
A. I am drinking wine and feline fine!

Q. How did the vineyard launch the new champagne making business?
A. They crashed a small boat into it.

Vintners Tip of the Day: For best results, only consume wine on days that end with the letter Y.

Q. How can you tell if a Klingon warrior has true honor?
A. After the blood wine is rolled out, he's always the designated driver.

Every box of raisins is a tragic tale of grapes that could have become wine.

Wine is the most civilized thing in the world.
– Ernest Hemingway.

Vintage Trivia: A meal without wine is called breakfast.

My doctor said I need to change my diet. He said I should eat more more caviar and drink more champagne. So, I said, "That's insane! What kind of a diet is that?" He replied, "It's called a High Fluten Diet."

Q. What should you do with an old inventory of fine French wine?
A. Liquidate it to the highest bidder.

Yoga Class? Whoa, I thought you said pour a glass.

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