Never Drink with Ghosts. Because they can't handle their boo!   PainfulPuns.com - Bartender Puns, Beer Jokes, Bar Humor!

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Q. How many alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb? A. Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room spins!
What do you call a mushroom who buys a round of drinks? A Fun-Gi
Bartender says: "We don't serve time lords here." Time lord walks into a bar.
A Dyslexic Man Walks Into a Bra

 


Absolut Jokes, Vodka Puns, Smirnoff Humor
Sample Skyy high vodka jokes, wodka humor, Stoli laughs and the Absolut wurst vodka puns.

Vodka Jokes, Wodka Puns, Vodica Humor
(Because Grey Goosey Puns and Stolichnaya Jokes Could Never Be TOO Mainstream, No Matter How You Say It!)
Warning: Proceed With Caution! Vodka jokes, little water LOLs, votka humor and Absolut-ly Painful Puns ahead.
| Vodka Jokes | Wry Whiskey Jokes | Spirited Liquor Puns | Cocktail Jokes | 2 | 3 | Drunk Puns |
| Beer IS Better! | Beer Jokes | 2 | 3 | 4 | Colorado Craft Beer Jokes | Bartender Puns | 2 | 3 |
| Wine Jokes, Vino Puns | 2 | 3 | Beverage Puns | Soda Funny | Coffee Puns, Java Jokes | 2 |
| Animal Walks Into the Bar Jokes | Space Bar Puns, Sci-Fi Bartender Jokes | Drunken Gnomes |
| Bar Jokes, Drinking Humor, Brewed Puns | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | Bar Pick-Up Lines |

A marrini asks: What do Russians get when mixing holy water and voka? A. The holy spirit!When a bartender spilled a drink on his shirt, he said: "This one's on me1"A martini says: Did you hear about the wall that went out on the town for its birthday? It got plastered!

Q. How much vodka does it take to kill a Russian?
A. None.

Drunken Fun Fact of the Day: Alcohol is not in my vodkabulary. So I looked it up on Whiskeypedia and learned if you drink too much, it's likely tequil-ya!

Q. What rhymes with Vodka?
A. No, it doesn't!

Q. How did the stoner feel when he fell into a vat of cannabis-infused vodka?
A. He was in high spirits!

Q. What happened when the bartender spilled the vodka?
A. It was an Absolut loss.

Drunken Tip of the Day: If you want a promotion at work, just walk around your office yelling, "Vodka! Tequila! Jack Daniels!" This makes you the one who calls the shots!

Bar Fly Fact of the Day: The perfect woman is just like vodka – transparent, ice cold, and utterly tasteless.

Q. Which cocktail is made of vodka, orange juice, sloe gin and Southern Comfort?
A. A Slow Comfortable Screw.

A man attempted to smuggle sausage and vodka out of Europe in his suitcase. But the baggage caught on fire and the plane had to be evacuated. It was the Absolut wurst case scenario!

Q. What do you call it when a prisoner drinks vodka out of a coffee cup?
A. A mug shot!

Drunken Point to Ponder: If you're an alcoholic if you drink too much vodka, then are you Fantastic if you drink too much orange soda?

Vodka translates as little water, so Nostrovia!

Martini says: I was drinking at the bar, so I thook the bus home. Problem is, I've never driven a bus before!Q. What does a Dalek say when it's drunk? A. In-tox-ic-ate!Martini Says: TGIF It's Friday!

Q. Why did the blonde bar patron claim to be cosmopolitan?
A. 'Cause she was full of vodka and cranberry juice.

Q. Why did the guy drop his bottle of vodka in the liquor store parking lot?
A. 'Cause he just can't hold his booze.

Drunken Fact of the Day: Vodka is made from potatoes. Potatoes are vegetables. Vegetables are good for you!

A German tourist orders a martini. Bartender asks, "Dry?" Confused, the German guy replies, "No, just one."

Q. What is a Jedi's favorite brand of vodka?
A. Skyy. Only Sith deal in Absolut.

Drunken Bar Pickup Poetry: Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka is cheaper than having dinner with you.

Q. What is it called if you spill your vodka twice?
A. Another Absolut loss.

Drunken Words of the Day: Dear Martini, Olive You.

Drinking Factoid of the Day: Carrots may be good for your eyes, but vodka will double your vision.

Q. Why was the Colorado weed and vodka store doing so well?
A. 'Cause everybody who shops there leaves in high spirits.

Did you hear about the guy who couldn't decide between vodka and whiskey? He was very good at multi-flasking.

Q. How are shots of vodka just like children?
A. If you have more than two, chances are you'll be in tear by the end of the evening.

Q. What did the martini say when somebody stuck a toothpick in it?
A. It hurts, but Olive!

Ain't no party like a time lord party because a time lord party is not bound by typical temporal parameters, so it never stops!Martini Says: Hello Saturday, So glad you're here again!If the Doctor uses a sonci screw driver, does Jack use a sonic mimosa?

Q. What did the bartender say to the patron who was drinking his vodka way too fast?
A. Stop, Russian!

Q. What did Locutus of Borg say at the bar?
A. The name is Borg, James Borg. Gin and vodka martini, shaken; the olive is irrelevant!

Q. What do you get if you plant pumpkin spice latte and water it with vodka?
A. A sorority!

Q. What did the blonde say after somebody told her to drink less vodka?
A. Nyet! I can't find that brand anywhere!

Q. What kind of vodka do Canadian deer drink?
A. Grey Moose.

Drunken Point to Ponder: Donald Trump is like top shelf vodka. Expensive, transparent, and wouldn't be here if not for Russia!

Q. How did the party boy figure out that he's allergic to vodka?
A. Every time he drank it, he broke out in handcuffs.

Q. Which morning after vodka cocktail must you enjoy with a close friend nearby?
A. A Buddy Mary.

Q. Why is imported Vodka so clear?
A. So Russians can tell it's not tap water.

Q. What do you call the guy who drank vodka and ended up in a mental hospital?
A. An Absolut madman.

Q. What's the difference between a stunning gown and a bottle of Smirnoff?
A. The gown can make one girl look gorgeous, but vodka can make all the ladies look Russian.

Q. What should you do with an old inventory of Russian vodka?
A. Clearly, you should liquidate it.

Martini jokes: She only makes gin, but he lover her still!Silly bar joke: Q. Why did the bartender put money in the freezer? A. He wanted cold hard cash!Never Drink with Ghosts. Because they can't handle their boo!

A gnome walks into the bar and orders a martini. Bartender says, "Sorry, I can serve you. You're a little drunk."

Q. What is an apt name for a bartender who only makes martinis?
A. Oliver Twist.

Q. Why didn't the new vodka-infused brats catch on?
A. Because that was the Absolut wurst!

Q. Why is the new Denver Weed and Vodka pub doing so well?
A. Because everyone who visits there is in high spirits.

Q. Why did the alcoholic keep switching between vodka and gin?
A. He was skilled at multi flasking.

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"

Q. Why wasn't the guy angry after burglars stole all his vodka?
A. Because they lifted his spirits.

Drunken Fact of the Day: Vodka doesn't turn people into somebody they are not. It just makes them forget to hide that part of themself.

Spirited Thought of the Day: Vodka isn't always the answer, but it's worth a shot.

Drinking Fact of the Day: You might be an alcoholic if you already knew that National Martini Day is June 19.

High Point to Ponder: If you drink from a bottle of vodka that was blessed by a priest, are you full of the Holy Spirit?

Q. What happened when a guy met a drunk Russian ventriloquist at the bar?
A. She said she wanted to sleep with him, but he didn't know if it was her or Stoli doing the talking.

| Vodka Jokes | Wry Whiskey Jokes | Spirited Liquor Puns | Cocktail Jokes | 2 | 3 | Drunk Puns |
| Beer IS Better! | Beer Jokes | 2 | 3 | 4 | Colorado Craft Beer Jokes | Bartender Puns | 2 | 3 |
| Wine Jokes, Vino Puns | 2 | 3 | Beverage Puns | Soda Funny | Coffee Puns, Java Jokes | 2 |
| Animal Walks Into the Bar Jokes | Space Bar Puns, Sci-Fi Bartender Jokes | Drunken Gnomes |
| Bar Jokes, Drinking Humor, Brewed Puns | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | Bar Pick-Up Lines |
| Restaurant Jokes | Pizza Puns | Burger Jokes | Hot Dog Humor | Snack Puns | Munchies Jokes |


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You're still standing, so here's another shot of watered down humor, dah
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