Best way to choose which beer to drink: a case by case basis   PainfulPuns.com - Bartender Puns, Beer Jokes, Bar Humor!

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Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was salted!
Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks for a beer. Bartender replies: "I can't serve you. You're Bard."
What do you call a mushroom who buys a round of drinks? A Fun-Gi
Never Drink with Ghosts. Because they can't handle their boo!
A guy walks into a bar and drinks 10 Cokes. Guess what happened? A. He burped 7 UP!
Beer Pun: Never Drink Past the Pint of No Return

 


Mixed Drink Puns, Funny Cocktails, Bar Jokes
Pick your personal poison from alcoholic beverage jokes, bar puns, and funny cocktail weiners.

Drinking Jokes, Cocktail Puns, Drink Humor
(Because Cocktail Jokes and Drinking Puns Could Never Be TOO Mainstream and It's Always Happy Hour Here!)
Warning: Proceed at Your Own Risk! Drink jokes, zonked cocktail humor, soused laughs and tipsy puns ahead.
| Cocktail Jokes | 2 | 3 | Spirited Liquor Puns | Vodka Jokes | Wry Whiskey Jokes | Drunk Puns |
| Beer IS Better! | Beer Jokes | 2 | 3 | 4 | Colorado Craft Beer Jokes | Bartender Puns | 2 | 3 |
| Wine Jokes, Vino Puns | 2 | 3 | Beverage Puns | Soda Funny | Coffee Puns, Java Jokes | 2 |
| Animal Walks Into the Bar Jokes | Space Bar Puns, Sci-Fi Bartender Jokes | Drunken Gnomes |
| Bar Jokes, Drinking Humor, Brewed Puns | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | Bar Pick-Up Lines |

Q. What does Batman put into his cocktails? A. Just ice!Bottle of whiskey asks: What do a shot of Everclear & a sexy woman have in common? A. Both make men talk nonsense!Q. What's a vampire's favorite drink? A. A Bloody Mary!

Q. What is the only drink size they allow in North Korea?
A. A supreme liter.

Son, when I was your age, there was no social media. You had to go to a bar and buy endless drinks to be ignored by multiple women.

Drunken Tip of the Day: If you want a promotion at work, just walk around your office yelling, "Vodka! Tequila! Jack Daniels!" This makes you the one who calls the shots!

Spirited Drinking Game of the Day: One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Q. How do penguins take their bar drinks?
A. On the rocks.

Q. What did the comedy club comedian say after he splashed cocktails on himself?
A. The drinks are on me.

Autocorrect changed Morning Run to Morning Rum. Change of plans, guys.

A guy was browsing at the liquor store, so the clerk asked, "Do you need help?" The guy replied, "Yes, but I'm here to get whiskey instead."

Happy Hour Point to Ponder: Drinking Jack Daniels might not be the solution to your problems, but it's worth a shot!

A roll of tape walks into a bar. Bartender asks, "What would you like?" The tape says, "Make it a Scotch."

Drunken Fun Fact of the Day: Alcohol is not in my vodkabulary. So I looked it up on Whiskeypedia and learned if you drink too much, it's likely tequil-ya!

You can consider yourself lucky in life if the cognac you're drinking is older than the woman you're sleeping with.

Cocktail Time Trivia: In Florida, they salt margaritas, not sidewalks!

An Oreo walks into a bar, finds it's after last call, and falls apart. Bartender says, "I guess that's how the cookie crumbles."

Q. What is the most popular cocktail at the mollusk saloon?
A. The Rusty Snail.

Drinking joke: When whiskey met cognoac, it was clear their relationship was on the rocks!A marrini asks: What do Russians get when mixing holy water and voka? A. The holy spirit!Whiskey bottle remarks: Alcohol is never the answer, but it does make you forget the problem!

My New Year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my glass half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.

When the bartender asked the patron if he wanted his whiskey without ice, the guy replied, "Sure, that would be neat."

So, Thomas Edison walks ino a bar and orders a drink. Bartender says, "Okay, I'll serve you, but just don't get any ideas."

Today's Drunken Wisdom: What doesn't kill me, makes my drinks stronger.

Q. What do you call a deer that can't quit drinking?
A. An elk-o-holic.

A man attempted to smuggle sausage and vodka out of Europe in his suitcase. But the baggage caught on fire and the plane had to be evacuated. It was the Absolut wurst case scenario!

Tequila is a good drink! You drink it and you feel like a cactus. The only problem is that in the morning the thorns grow inward.

Did you hear they've translated Harper Lee's magnum opus for Mexicans? It's called Tequila Mockingbird.

Q. What is a drunken party monster's Halloween slogan?
A. Eat, drink, and be scary!

Did you hear about the guy who couldn't decide between vodka and whiskey? He was very good at multi-flasking.

Two guys were hanging at the bar. First guy says, "My wife is just like whiskey." Second guy comments, "Oh, she gets better with age?" "No," replies the first guy, "She gives me a headache."

Q. What kind of vodka do Canadian deer drink?
A. Grey Moose.

A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
So, she gets a divorce.

If the Doctor uses a sonci screw driver, does Jack use a sonic mimosa?Chimp joshes: My doctor said I need to watch my drinking. So now I drink in front of a mirror!Pitcher of beer asks: How does a man show he's planning for the future? A. He buys two cases of beer instead of just one!

A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender remarks, "Hey we have a drink named after you." The screwdriver replies, "You have a drink named "Phillip?"

Q. What is a Jedi's favorite brand of vodka?
A. Skyy. Only Sith deal in Absolut.

Bartender Drunk Ass Fact of the Day: Wise men drink wine. Budweiser men drink beer.

Drunken Words of the Day: Dear Martini, Olive You.

Attention: Please be patient with the bartender. Even a toilet can only serve one ass at a time.

It's better to have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.

Q. What do you say when you're gonna drunk dial somebody?
A. Al-cohol you later.

Q. What did the blonde say after somebody told her to drink less whiskey?
A. Duh! I can't find that brand anywhere!

Don't forget that alcohol helps to remove the stress, the bra, the panties and many other problems.

Drinking Factoid of the Day: Carrots may be good for your eyes, but booze will double your vision.

Here's a toast to the nights we won't remember with friends we'll never forget!

Alcohol is a perfect solvent. It dissolves marriage, families, and careers.

Happy Hour Fact of the Day: Chemically speaking, Alcohol is a solution.

A rope walks into a bar. Bartender says, "We don't serve your kind in here," and throws him out. Outside the rope ties himself into a half hitch, frays an end, and walks back into the bar. Bartender says, "Weren't you just in here?" Rope replies, "I'm a frayed knot."

Happy Hour Poetry: This senorita needs a margarita.

Q. Where does a pickle go for a fw drinks? A. The salad bar!Drunk Pun: He carried rum over his head attempting to lift his spirits.Beer Bottle Says:: Hello Saturday, So Glad You're Here Again!

Drunken Fact of the Day: Vodka is made from potatoes. Potatoes are vegetables. Vegetables are good for you!

Drunken Point to Ponder: If you ask a liquor store clerk to help you find the good Scotch, does that make him your spirit guide?

A professional bowler walks into a bar. Bartender says, "I'm sorry, we just ran out of clean glasses." The bowler replies, "That's okay, I've got a spare."

Drunken Laugh of the Night: Let's get ready to stumble.

At a cocktail party, one woman asked another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other woman replied, "Yes, because I married the wrong man!"

Q. Why shouldn't you drink whiskey while you do calculus?
A. Because it's against the law to drink and derive.

Q. What happens when a ghost drinks too much?
A. He gets sheet faced!

So Jesus walks into a bar and says, "I'll just have a glass of water."

Drunken Point to Ponder: When the Hulk goes off in a rage and destroys everything in sight, he's Incredible. But when Bruce Banner does that, he has a drinking problem?

Q. What did the blonde say when some guy at the bar asked her if she liked cocktails?
A. I don't know. Tell me one.

Q. What did the other blonde say when a guy at the bar asked her if she liked cocktails?
A. I don't know. Show me one.

Distilled Point to Ponder: If you drink half a bottle of whiskey, is the bottle half empty or half full? That doesn't matter because you're fully loaded.

Drunken Fact of the Day: Drinking the wrong alcohol may make you absinthe minded.

Drunken Line of the Day: A hangover will only last a day, but the memories we make tonight will last a lifetime.

A guy walks into a bar. Bartender asks, "How's it going?" Guy replies, "Okay, I guess. Holding my own." "That's good," says the bartender, "You'd get arrested if you held somebody else's."

Q. Why was the redneck who liked to shoot guns and drink whiskey all bummed out?
A. Because he was all out of shots.

Drunken Fact of the Day: Vodka doesn't turn people into somebody they are not. It just makes them forget to hide that part of themself.

Drunken Point to Ponder: Donald Trump is like top shelf vodka. Expensive, transparent, and wouldn't be here if not for Russia!

| Cocktail Jokes | 2 | 3 | Spirited Liquor Puns | Vodka Jokes | Wry Whiskey Jokes | Drunk Puns |
| Beer IS Better! | Beer Jokes | 2 | 3 | 4 | Colorado Craft Beer Jokes | Bartender Puns | 2 | 3 |
| Wine Jokes, Vino Puns | 2 | 3 | Beverage Puns | Soda Funny | Coffee Puns, Java Jokes | 2 |
| Animal Walks Into the Bar Jokes | Space Bar Puns, Sci-Fi Bartender Jokes | Drunken Gnomes |
| Bar Jokes, Drinking Humor, Brewed Puns | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | Bar Pick-Up Lines |
| Restaurant Jokes | Pizza Puns | Burger Jokes | Hot Dog Humor | Snack Puns | Munchies Jokes |


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