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Did you hear about the opticican? Two glasses, and he made a spectacle of himself.
Chimp looking at beer bottle says: Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder!
Q. What do you call a man who drinks and falls off his horse? A. Wine-Stoned Cowboy!
Bear walks into a bar: "I'll have a beer ... and some peanuts." Bartender asks: "Why the big paws?"

 


Drinking Jokes, Bar Puns, Liquored Up Laughs
Belly up to the bar for cocktail jokes, drink humor, liquid refreshment laughs, and booze puns.

Cocktail Puns, Alcoholic Jokes, Drink Humor
(Because Wasted Drink Jokes and Crocked Puns Could Never Be TOO Mainstream Unless You're in Rehab!)
Warning: Proceed at Your Own Risk! Liquor jokes, high proof humor, and plastered cocktail puns ahead.
| Cocktail Jokes | 2 | 3 | Spirited Liquor Puns | Vodka Jokes | Wry Whiskey Jokes | Drunk Puns |
| Beer IS Better! | Beer Jokes | 2 | 3 | 4 | Colorado Craft Beer Jokes | Bartender Puns | 2 | 3 |
| Wine Jokes, Vino Puns | 2 | 3 | Beverage Puns | Soda Funny | Coffee Puns, Java Jokes | 2 |
| Animal Walks Into the Bar Jokes | Space Bar Puns, Sci-Fi Bartender Jokes | Drunken Gnomes |
| Bar Jokes, Drinking Humor, Brewed Puns | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | Bar Pick-Up Lines |

Q. Do locksmiths hold the key to happiness? A. No, but they can open the liquor cabinet!Hauntinly funny bar joke: Q. What does a ghost drink? A. Boos!A martini says: Did you hear about the wall that went out on the town for its birthday? It got plastered!

A ceiling fan walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer, but I can't pay you until tomorrow." Bartender says, "Look, we've gone round and round about this."

Drinking Fact of the Day: You should limit your alcohol consumption to days that start with T: Tuesday, Thursday, Today, Tomorrow.

A potato walks into a bar, and all eyes were on him.

Q. What do you call the guy who drank vodka and ended up in a mental hospital?
A. An Absolut madman.

Drinking Fact of the Day: You should strictly limit your alcohol consumption to days that end in Y.

Q. What happens when a ghost drinks too much Tennessee whiskey?
A. It ends up sheet faced!

A period walks into a bar and says, "This place is a dump." The bartender looks at him and says, "You make a good point."

Whiskey Wisdom of he Day: When life gives you lemons, make whiskey sours!

A vampire walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Let me guess. A Bloody Mary?"

A rope ties itself into a knot, walks into a bar, and orders, "Beer please." Bartender says, "Why knot?"

Drinking Fact of the Day: You should limit your alcohol consumption to two days per year – your birthday and not your birthday!

Some things are better left unsaid, but I'll probably get drunk on Xmas and say them anyway.

Martini jokes: She only makes gin, but he lover her still!Chimp remarks: Beer doesn't make you fat. It makes you lean...on tables, chairs, and random people!Ain't no party like a time lord party because a time lord party is not bound by typical temporal parameters, so it never stops!

Q. How do you make the perfect martini?
A. Dump the gin, vermouth, and olives in the trash where they belong, and open a bottle of Jack Daniels!

Drunk Fact of the Day: Alcohol is never the answer, but it does make the question go away.

Math teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?" Student: "A drinking problem."

Bar Rules:
1. Bartender is always right.
2. If bartender is wrong, see rule #1.

Bar Fly Words of the Day: I am in a committed relationship – with Jose Cuervo.

A guy walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Want to register for our drawing? We're giving away a set of kidney stones." The guy says, "Nah, I'll pass."

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy ... so I got drunk.

I told myself that I should stop drinking. but I'm not about to listen to some dumb drunk who talks to himself.

Drunken Point to Ponder: If you're suffering through a hangover, are you a recovering alcoholic?

R2D2 walks into a bar and says, "!@#$%^&*()*&^%$#@!"

Q. Which cocktail is made of vodka, orange juice, sloe gin and Southern Comfort?
A. A Slow Comfortable Screw.

Weekend Drinking Logic: One cigarette shortens your life by two hours, one bottle of vodka by three hours, and a workday – eight hours.

Q. How do you get a horse drunk? A. Drink him under the stable!Where does garli go for a few drinks? A. The salad bar!Happy Rye Day!

Q. What is it called if you drink tequila inside a cave?
A. A shot in the dark.

A flock of birds walk walks into a bar, look around, then head for the door. Bartender says, "Hey, what's the matter?" One of the birds says, "This place looked seedier from the outside."

Q. How can you tell if an Amish person is an alcoholic?
A. They fall off the wagon.

They're filming a new Renee Zellweger movie in Cuba. It's called "Bridget Jones Daiquiri."

A banana walks into a bar and orders a daquari. The bartender says, "Sorry, pal, but you've got to split."

Q. How did the stoner feel when he fell into a vat of cannabis-infused vodka?
A. He was in high spirits!

Men have feelings, too. Sometimes they feel thirsty.

National Tequila Day is July 24. I wasn't going to celebrate it, but on second thought, I believe I will give it a shot.

A crate of 2x4s walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Hey, you're a crate of lumber!" The crate says, "Yeah, wanna make something of it?"

Drunken Asshole Words of the Day: I like my women like I like my whiskey – light brown, from the South, and kept in a lightless cabinet only to be taken out on special occasions.

Thank God it's Monday! ~ My Liver!Chimp remarks: A man's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer!You might be from Littleton if you fondly remember woodsies at Daniel's Park!

I drank so much that I'm donating my liver to science fiction.

Drinking Fact of the Day: You might be an alcoholic if you already knew that National Martini Day is June 19.

Cocktail Hour Groan of the Day: I'm currently in the planning stages of a hangover.

Q. Why did the college freshman blow chunks all over the house?
A. Because he wasn't party trained.

Q. Which morning after cocktail must you enjoy with a close friend nearby?
A. A Buddy Mary.

A blonde goes into a bar. Bartender asks her what she'd like and she replies, "Bring me a beer." Bartender asks, "Anheuser-Busch?" Blonde answers, "Fine thanks, and how's your cock?"

Q. What do you call it when a prisoner drinks vodka out of a coffee cup?
A. A mug shot!

High Point to Ponder: If you drink from a bottle of vodka that was blessed by a priest, are you full of the Holy Spirit?

Drunken Point to Ponder: If you're an alcoholic if you drink too much vodka, then are you Fantastic if you drink too much orange soda?

We're guessing National Margarita Day is February 22 because you need a reason to drink the week after Valentine's Day, one way or the other.

Q. What do they say about drinking too much tequila?
A. I can't remember.

Mt. McKinley, Mt. Everest, and Mt. Rainier walk into a bar. Bartender says, "Hey, this place is out of your range."

Q. Which brand of vodka do Canadians drink?
A. Grey Moose.

I plan to donate my liver to an alcoholic so I'll know it's a match.

| Cocktail Jokes | 2 | 3 | Spirited Liquor Puns | Vodka Jokes | Wry Whiskey Jokes | Drunk Puns |
| Beer IS Better! | Beer Jokes | 2 | 3 | 4 | Colorado Craft Beer Jokes | Bartender Puns | 2 | 3 |
| Wine Jokes, Vino Puns | 2 | 3 | Beverage Puns | Soda Funny | Coffee Puns, Java Jokes | 2 |
| Animal Walks Into the Bar Jokes | Space Bar Puns, Sci-Fi Bartender Jokes | Drunken Gnomes |
| Bar Jokes, Drinking Humor, Brewed Puns | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | Bar Pick-Up Lines |
| Restaurant Jokes | Pizza Puns | Burger Jokes | Hot Dog Humor | Snack Puns | Munchies Jokes |


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