|
Wife
Jokes, Spouse Puns, Husband and Wife Humor
Laugh
along side finicky spouse humor, the old lady puns, wifey LOLs and the
missus jokes.
Wife Jokes, The Mrs. Humor, Ex-Wife Laughs
(Because Loving Wife Jokes
and Persnickety Spouse Puns Could Never Be TOO
Mainstream or TOO Sterotypical!) |
Warning:
Proceed Cautiously! Lady of the house jokes, better half humor,
un-wifely LOLs and nagging puns ahead.
| Wife Jokes | Marriage
Jokes | Divorce Jokes | Breakup
Jokes | Bachelor Jokes | Stripper
Jokes |
| Dating Jokes | Online
Dating Jokes | Steady Relationship
Jokes | Love Puns | Caveman
Puns |
| Girlfriend Giggles | Lady
Jokes, Woman Puns | Man Jokes | Family
Humor, Mom and Dad Jokes |
Q.
What happened when the pastry chef's wife came home early?
A. She caught him master baking.
Q.
Why did the guy buy a DIY perfume-making kit as a gift for
his wife?
A. It seemed to make scents.
Q.
How did Frankenstein's wife help him when he was missing
a bolt?
A. She gave him a big screw.
Q.
Why couldn't the wife get her husband to tango with her?
A. Because he never got past his avoid-dance.
Q.
Why didn't the marriage between the physicist and his biologist
wife work out?
A. They realized there was no chemistry.
Q.
Why did a guy's wife go to the optician to return a pair
of glasses she bought for her husband?
A. He still wasn't seeing things her way. |
Q.
What did the scientist say when his wife announced she was
leaving him because he was obsessed with astronomy?
A. Geez, what planet is she on?
Q.
What do you call it if your wife is from another planet?
A. An inter-spacial relationship.
Q.
Why didn't the guy tell his wife that he was using her deodorant?
A. 'Cause it's a Secret.
Did
you hear about the Colorado geologist? He took his wife
for granite, so she left him.
Q.
What did the golfer's wife complain about on the course?
A. She claimed golf was driving a wedge between them.
Q.
Why did the guy who stinks at golf still play every weekend?
A. To bug his wife; she thinks he's out having fun.
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Q.
Why did the drummer's wife want a divorce?
A. 'Cause he snared in bed.
Q.
Why did the janitor want a divorce?
A. His wife was sweeping around with other men.
Q.
What did Dracula's wife say to the divorce lawyer after
she caught the Count cheating on her?
A. Just bleed him dry!
Q.
Why did the guy want his wife to sing at his funeral?
A. So everybody else knows there are worse things than death.
Arresting
Courtroom Point to Ponder: Why is it called manslaughter
when a guy kills his wife?
Q.
Why didn't the wife like the big rock her husband gave her
for their 20th wedding anniversary?
A. Because it was a headstone! |
Job
Hopping Point to Ponder: Does it make any difference how
many times a married guy changes jobs, if his wife is still
the boss?
Q.
What did the guy do when his wife walked in on him while
cleaning his guns?
A. He greeted her with open arms.
Q.
How is a grenade and your wife alike?
A. When you pull off the ring and boom, your house is gone.
At
couples therapy, the shrink asked the wife why she wanted
to end their marriage. She said, "I hate the constant Star
Wars puns." To which the husband replied, "Divorce is
strong with this one."
My
wife's a water sign. I'm an earth sign. Together we make
mud.
Rodney Dangerfield |
Q.
Why did the boar's wife run away from home?
A. She felt he was taking her for grunted.
Q.
Why didn't the guy buy the massive hardwood bookcase he
really liked?
A. 'Cause his wife shelved the idea.
Waiter:
Sir, you know the food here is really bad, so why do you
keep coming back?
Customer: Sigh, it reminds me of my ex-wife's cooking.
Q.
Why didn't the angry farmer divorce his wife when she traded
their prize milking cow for a book of poetry?
A. He vowed to love her for butter or verse.
Q.
What happened when the elderly married couple watched a
TV ad for hearing aids?
A. The wife was all ears.
|
An
electrician finally gets home at 3:00 a.m. His wife asked,
"Wire you insulate?" He replied, "Watt's it to you? I'm
ohm, aren't I?"
Q.
Why did the guy's wife leave him after he spent all their
money on multiple penis enlargement surgeries?
A. 'Cause she just couldn't take it any longer.
Q.
What did the guy say to his wife when she complained about
hearing him scratching his pencil on paper?
A. Yes, you heard me write!
Q.
What did his wife give her husband when he came home all
sweaty from his run?
A. The stink eye.
Funny
Fitness Failure: I met my ex-wife at the gym, but we just
didn't workout. |
|
|
Q.
What do
you call a life
partner
found on the
Internet?
A.
Wife v1.0.
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|
Q.
What's the difference between a grenade and your wife?
A. A grenade will only blow the neighbor once.
Q.
What did the redneck fisherman say to his buddy?
A. I got a new fly reel for my wife. Best trade I ever made!
Did
you hear about the cheating wife who got knocked up by her
tennis coach? Serves her right!
Wife:
You know dear, without your glasses you look like the handsome
young man I married.
Husband: Honey, without my glasses you look pretty darned
good, too. |
Q.
What did the wife say after her husband told her he wanted
to frame a picture of her breasts?
A. Okay, if I can take a pic of your penis and enlarge it.
Husband:
Why are you home early today?
Wife: 'Cause the boss told me to have a good day.
Wife:
Why are you home so early today?
Husband: because my boss told me to go to hell.
Q.
What happened after the newlywed wife discovered the ring
her husband had given her was a cheap imitation?
A. She made him pay the price. |
When
the gardener's wife said she was leaving him because of
his unhealthy obsession with plants, he asked: "Where is
this stemming from, my sweet blossom?"
Q.
What did the aging gardener say to his wife on their anniversary?
A. Like a prune, you aren't getting better looking, but
you are getting sweeter!
Did
you hear about two houswives working in the community garden?
One dug up a foot-long carrot and said, "This reminds me
of my husband." Second woman asks, "Your husband is that
long?" She answers, "No, that dirty!"
Q.
Why did Mr. Snowman's wife divorce him?
A. She caught him with a snow blower. |
Q.
Why did
a guy say his
wife drives
like ligntning?
A.
'Cause
she hits a
lot of trees.
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Q.
What did
the cannibal
say after he
dumped
his wife?
A.
Pass the
toilet paper.
|
Q.
What happened when the guy's spouse was struck by lighttning?
A. His entire wife flashed in front of him.
Q.
How did the wife feel when her husband refused to wear his
seat belt?
A. It drove her crazy.
Q.
Why did the guy ask his wife to dress up like a nurse?
A. To fulfill his fantasy that they had health insurance.
A
guy thought he'd lost a lot of weight, so he got on the
scale to show his wife. His wife said, "Guess a gain."
Farmer:
Why can't you make bread like my mother?
Wife: Why can't you make dough like my father? |
Q.
Why did the guy divorce his archeaologist wife?
A. 'Cause she was always digging up stuff from the past.
Q.
Why did the archeaologist's wife file for divorce?
A. 'Cause he was carbon dating on the side.
Q.
What did the archeaologist wife say to her paleontologist
husband?
A. I have a bone to pick with y
Q.
What happened when the guy forgot to wear the hearing aid
he just got from his doctor?
A. His wife gave him an earful.
My
wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two
times a week, we go to a nice restaurant and have a litle
wine and some good food. She goes on Friday, and I go on
Saturday.
|
The
cannibal chef daintily wiped his mouth and said, "My wife
makes great soup. I'm really going to miss her."
Frantic
Guy on the Phone: My wife is in labor. Her contractions
are two minutes apart!
Nurse: Is this her first child?
Frantic Guy: No, you idiot. This is her husband!
Q.
What did the ram say when his wife really hoped for something?
A. Ewe wish!
Q.
Why did Mr. Snow get a divorce?
A. He knew his wife was totally flaky.
Santa
and his wife wanted to split up, but there are no divorce
lawyers at the North Pole. So, they got a semicolon instead;
they're great for separating independent Clauses. |
|
Wife Jokes | Marriage
Jokes | Divorce Jokes | Breakup
Jokes | Bachelor Jokes | Stripper
Jokes |
| Dating Jokes | Online
Dating Jokes | Steady Relationship
Jokes | Love Puns | Caveman
Puns |
| Lady Jokes, Woman Puns | Guy
Jokes, Man Humor | Family Humor, Mom
Puns, and Dad Jokes |
| Girlfriend Giggles | Bro
Jokes, Dude Humor | Kid Jokes, Children
Puns | Grandparent Laughs
|
| Astrology Jokes | Mile
High Club Jokes | Poem Puns |
Gnome Dating | Valentine's
Day Jokes |
| Pitiful Pick-Up Lines | Cheesy
Pick Up Lines | Animal Pick Up
Lines | Arty Hipster Hookups
|
| Banker Pick Up Lines | Bar
Come Ons | Chef Chat Ups |
Colorado Come Ons | Daily
Come-Ons |
| Gnome Pick Ups | Gym
Hookups | Locksmith Openers
| Music Pick Up Lines | Pirate
Hookups |
| Police Pick Ups | Scary
Lines | Scientist Flirts
| Sci-Fi Pick Ups | Sick
Come Ons | Sports Lines |
| Travel Hookups | Superhero
Lines | Batman Chat Ups |
Hulk Hookups | Superman Come-Ons
|
| Thespian Lines | Weed
Hookups | VD Day Flirt Lines
| Winter Pick Up Lines | Xmas
Chat Ups |
The
Mrs. approves, so here's a
couple more finicky
jokes, household humor,
and persnickety painful puns
that'll surly nag
some dutiful grins out of you:
|
More
Painful Puns, Groaner Jokes, and Unanswered Riddles...
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Alien Jokes | Auto
Mechanic Jokes | Beer Jokes |
Cannibal Jokes | Chef
Jokes | Clean Puns | Colorado
Jokes |
| Gym Jokes | Hamburger
Puns | Lightning Jokes
| Music Jokes | Pirate
Jokes | Police Puns | Psychic
Jokes |
| Sci-Fi Jokes | Seasonal
Puns | Snake Jokes | Sports
Jokes | TP Puns | Vampire
Jokes | Web Jokes | Wine
Jokes |
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