Q. What did a farmer give his wife on Valentine's Day? A. Hogs and kisses!   PainfulPuns.com - Puns, Jokes, Word Play, Groaners, Ouch!

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Q. What did
the snake give
his wife every

A. A goodnight

Hulks Says: He broe his wife's garden figurine and now he has to break it to her!

Q. Why did the
janitor's wife
divorce him?

A. 'Cause he
was sweeping

Once, an invisible man married an invisible woman. Their kids were nothing to lat, too.

Wife Jokes, Spouse Puns, Husband and Wife Humor
Laugh along side finicky spouse humor, the old lady puns, wifey LOLs and the missus jokes.

Wife Jokes, The Mrs. Humor, Ex-Wife Laughs
(Because Loving Wife Jokes and Persnickety Spouse Puns Could Never Be TOO Mainstream or TOO Sterotypical!)
Warning: Proceed Cautiously! Lady of the house jokes, better half humor, un-wifely LOLs and nagging puns ahead.
| Wife Jokes | Marriage Jokes | Divorce Jokes | Breakup Jokes | Bachelor Jokes | Stripper Jokes |
| Dating Jokes | Online Dating Jokes | Steady Relationship Jokes | Love Puns | Caveman Puns |
| Girlfriend Giggles | Lady Jokes, Woman Puns | Man Jokes | Family Humor, Mom and Dad Jokes |

Q. What does a French chef give his wife on Valentine's Day? A. A hug and a quiche!
Green Alien Says: My wife says I never bring her to an organic?
Q. Why couldn't Dracua's wife get to sleep? A. Because of his coffin!

Q. What happened when the pastry chef's wife came home early?
A. She caught him master baking.

Q. Why did the guy buy a DIY perfume-making kit as a gift for his wife?
A. It seemed to make scents.

Q. How did Frankenstein's wife help him when he was missing a bolt?
A. She gave him a big screw.

Q. Why couldn't the wife get her husband to tango with her?
A. Because he never got past his avoid-dance.

Q. Why didn't the marriage between the physicist and his biologist wife work out?
A. They realized there was no chemistry.

Q. Why did a guy's wife go to the optician to return a pair of glasses she bought for her husband?
A. He still wasn't seeing things her way.

Q. What did the scientist say when his wife announced she was leaving him because he was obsessed with astronomy?
A. Geez, what planet is she on?

Q. What do you call it if your wife is from another planet?
A. An inter-spacial relationship.

Q. Why didn't the guy tell his wife that he was using her deodorant?
A. 'Cause it's a Secret.

Did you hear about the Colorado geologist? He took his wife for granite, so she left him.

Q. What did the golfer's wife complain about on the course?
A. She claimed golf was driving a wedge between them.

Q. Why did the guy who stinks at golf still play every weekend?
A. To bug his wife; she thinks he's out having fun.

Q. Why did the drummer's wife want a divorce?
A. 'Cause he snared in bed.

Q. Why did the janitor want a divorce?
A. His wife was sweeping around with other men.

Q. What did Dracula's wife say to the divorce lawyer after she caught the Count cheating on her?
A. Just bleed him dry!

Q. Why did the guy want his wife to sing at his funeral?
A. So everybody else knows there are worse things than death.

Arresting Courtroom Point to Ponder: Why is it called manslaughter when a guy kills his wife?

Q. Why didn't the wife like the big rock her husband gave her for their 20th wedding anniversary?
A. Because it was a headstone!

Q. What happens when you play the blues backwards? A. Your wife comes back, your dog returns to life and you get out of prison!
Q. How does a hamburger introduce his wife? A. Meet Patty!
My wife is so unfamiliar with the gym, that she calls it James!

Job Hopping Point to Ponder: Does it make any difference how many times a married guy changes jobs, if his wife is still the boss?

Q. What did the guy do when his wife walked in on him while cleaning his guns?
A. He greeted her with open arms.

Q. How is a grenade and your wife alike?
A. When you pull off the ring and boom, your house is gone.

At couples therapy, the shrink asked the wife why she wanted to end their marriage. She said, "I hate the constant Star Wars puns." To which the husband replied, "Divorce is strong with this one."

My wife's a water sign. I'm an earth sign. Together we make mud.
Rodney Dangerfield

Q. Why did the boar's wife run away from home?
A. She felt he was taking her for grunted.

Q. Why didn't the guy buy the massive hardwood bookcase he really liked?
A. 'Cause his wife shelved the idea.

Waiter: Sir, you know the food here is really bad, so why do you keep coming back?
Customer: Sigh, it reminds me of my ex-wife's cooking.

Q. Why didn't the angry farmer divorce his wife when she traded their prize milking cow for a book of poetry?
A. He vowed to love her for butter or verse.

Q. What happened when the elderly married couple watched a TV ad for hearing aids?
A. The wife was all ears.

An electrician finally gets home at 3:00 a.m. His wife asked, "Wire you insulate?" He replied, "Watt's it to you? I'm ohm, aren't I?"

Q. Why did the guy's wife leave him after he spent all their money on multiple penis enlargement surgeries?
A. 'Cause she just couldn't take it any longer.

Q. What did the guy say to his wife when she complained about hearing him scratching his pencil on paper?
A. Yes, you heard me write!

Q. What did his wife give her husband when he came home all sweaty from his run?
A. The stink eye.

Funny Fitness Failure: I met my ex-wife at the gym, but we just didn't workout.

Q. What was the name of Blackbeard's wife? A. Peg!

Q. What do
you call a life
found on the

A. Wife v1.0.

Q. What does his wife say when the pot grower leaves for work? A. Doobie Careful!

Q. What's the difference between a grenade and your wife?
A. A grenade will only blow the neighbor once.

Q. What did the redneck fisherman say to his buddy?
A. I got a new fly reel for my wife. Best trade I ever made!

Did you hear about the cheating wife who got knocked up by her tennis coach? Serves her right!

Wife: You know dear, without your glasses you look like the handsome young man I married.
Husband: Honey, without my glasses you look pretty darned good, too.

Q. What did the wife say after her husband told her he wanted to frame a picture of her breasts?
A. Okay, if I can take a pic of your penis and enlarge it.

Husband: Why are you home early today?
Wife: 'Cause the boss told me to have a good day.

Wife: Why are you home so early today?
Husband: because my boss told me to go to hell.

Q. What happened after the newlywed wife discovered the ring her husband had given her was a cheap imitation?
A. She made him pay the price.

When the gardener's wife said she was leaving him because of his unhealthy obsession with plants, he asked: "Where is this stemming from, my sweet blossom?"

Q. What did the aging gardener say to his wife on their anniversary?
A. Like a prune, you aren't getting better looking, but you are getting sweeter!

Did you hear about two houswives working in the community garden? One dug up a foot-long carrot and said, "This reminds me of my husband." Second woman asks, "Your husband is that long?" She answers, "No, that dirty!"

Q. Why did Mr. Snowman's wife divorce him?
A. She caught him with a snow blower.

Q. Why did
a guy say his
wife drives
like ligntning?

A. 'Cause
she hits a
lot of trees.

Q. What do you call a stoner's wife? A. Mississippi!

Q. What did
the cannibal
say after he
his wife?

A. Pass the
toilet paper.

Q. What happened when the guy's spouse was struck by lighttning?
A. His entire wife flashed in front of him.

Q. How did the wife feel when her husband refused to wear his seat belt?
A. It drove her crazy.

Q. Why did the guy ask his wife to dress up like a nurse?
A. To fulfill his fantasy that they had health insurance.

A guy thought he'd lost a lot of weight, so he got on the scale to show his wife. His wife said, "Guess a gain."

Farmer: Why can't you make bread like my mother?
Wife: Why can't you make dough like my father?

Q. Why did the guy divorce his archeaologist wife?
A. 'Cause she was always digging up stuff from the past.

Q. Why did the archeaologist's wife file for divorce?
A. 'Cause he was carbon dating on the side.

Q. What did the archeaologist wife say to her paleontologist husband?
A. I have a bone to pick with y

Q. What happened when the guy forgot to wear the hearing aid he just got from his doctor?
A. His wife gave him an earful.

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant and have a litle wine and some good food. She goes on Friday, and I go on Saturday.

The cannibal chef daintily wiped his mouth and said, "My wife makes great soup. I'm really going to miss her."

Frantic Guy on the Phone: My wife is in labor. Her contractions are two minutes apart!
Nurse: Is this her first child?
Frantic Guy: No, you idiot. This is her husband!

Q. What did the ram say when his wife really hoped for something?
A. Ewe wish!

Q. Why did Mr. Snow get a divorce?
A. He knew his wife was totally flaky.

Santa and his wife wanted to split up, but there are no divorce lawyers at the North Pole. So, they got a semicolon instead; they're great for separating independent Clauses.

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The Mrs. approves, so here's a couple more finicky jokes, household humor,
and persnickety painful puns that'll surly nag some dutiful grins out of you:

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