Q. How are vodka shots like children?
A. If you have more than a few, you'll likely be crying by the end of the night.

Q. How can parents tell if their kids are spoiled?
A. Jut smell them.

Q. Who hates spoiled children the most?
A. Cannibals.

Q. Why did the kid eat his homework?
A. Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake.

Q. Why did the Avon lady's kid bring perfume to school?
A. For show and smell.

Family Lineage Point to Ponder: Kis, if your parents are soap and hard water, does that make you scum?

Q. What is a baby sasquatch's favorite toy?
A. His Yeti Bear!

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay. He's awake now!

Q. What do you call a redneck baby whose parents are siblings?
A. An Alabamanation.

Q. What do you call insolent remarks made by misbehaving children?
A. Brattitude.

Q. Why did the parents punish the bratty child for saying, "Oh, Duck!"?
A. Because they didn't allow fowl language at their house.

Q. Why was the science whiz kid afraid that he would explode if he hugged his mom's sister?
A. 'Cause she's made of auntie matter.

Bratty Son: I'll be good – for $20.
Father: When I was your age, I was good for nothing.

Q. What do you call a school kid with a dictionary in his trouser pocket?
A. Smartie Pants!

Raising children takes a village, preferably a village with a lot of vineyards.

Q. Why did Mrs. Wine Grape run away from home?
A. She was tired of raisin a bunch of kids.

Q. What is it called when two kids play nicely together with their new Play-Doh?
A. Putty-buddy.

Q. Why did the youngster bring the alphabet with him during his first golf lessons?
A. To make sure he had a T.

Q. What is one more benefit of fathering your first child?
A. You're officially allowed to tell Dad Jokes.

Parenting Wisdom Fact of the Day: Silence is golden, unless you have kids. Then, it's suspicious.

Doctor: How is the little girl who swallowed the quarters doing today?
Nurse: Still no change.

Q. How are boobs and toys alike?
A. Both are intended for children, but dad can't keep his hands off them.

Nostalgic Insight: My earliest childhood memory is going to the optometrist when I was six years old. Everything before that is a mere blur.

Q. Why did all the kids in Mr. Smith's second-grade class tie their shoelaces together?
A. Because they wanted to go on a class trip.

Q. Why is having baby a lot of work?
A. Because it's labor intensive.

Did you hear about the baby born in the new high-tech delivery room? It was cordless!

Q. How do we know Emit's parents are time travelers?
A. Because when Emit was born, they turned back timE.

Medical Moan of the Day: A boy was born without eyelids, so surgeons circumcised him and grafted the foreskin on. Doctors report the boy is fine, but a little cock-eyed.

Q. What was the woman who was expecting twins feeling?
A. Everything she expected two

Toddler: Mommy, what is Teddy bear poop called?
Mom: Fleeces.
Typical Toddler: Why?

Q. Where do little kids grow flowers at school?
A. In Kindergarden.

Q. Why did the kid run to school?
A. 'Cause he was being chased by a spelling bee.

Q. What did the mother broom say to the little broom?
A. It's time for you to go to sweep.

Q. What did the mommy contact lens say to the naughty child contact lens?
A. I've had enough. Just go and sit in the cornea.

Q. What happens when kids are playing in the garden and don't tell you they have to use the toilet?
A. They soil themselves.

Q. What happened to the kid who got all muddy playing outdoors?
A. He found himself in hot water.

Q. How is potty training a toddler like the maiden voyage of the Titanic?
A. At first, you'e hopeful about the journey. But by the end, everybody is crying and soaking wet.

Toddler holding a TP tube with the entire roll of paper unrolled and still attached to it: "Mommy, look what the dog did!"

Q. Why did the little kid throw a pencil in the potty?
A. Because it was a No. 2.

Bratty Tween-Age Son: Was I an accident?
Mom: No! Why would you think that?
Dad: No, it was more of a tragedy.

Q. Why did the blonde teenager study in an airplane?
A. She wanted a higher education!

Boy: I've got a lot of my dad's genes. Smart Ass Friend: Geez, I bet they don't fit.

Q. Why was school easier for caveman kids?
A. Because they didn't have so much history to learn.

Frantic Guy on the Phone: My wife is in labor. Her contractions are two minutes apart!
Nurse: Is this her first child?
Frantic Guy: No, you idiot. This is her husband!

Cornball Point to Ponder: If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

Q. What did the mommy tomato say to the baby tomato?
A. C'mon, catch up!

Q. Why was the baby strawberry crying?
A. Because its family was really in a jam!

Q. What did the mother cow say to her little one?
A. It's pasture bedtime.

Q. Was the dad mad after his bratty son fed him soap flakes instead of corn flakes?
A. Yes, he was foaming at the mouth.

Did you hear about the boy who had to brace himself for his next visit to the orthodontist's office?

Q. What happened when the naughty child drew a smiley face on the wall with red lipstick?
A. It was frowned upon.

Q. What can a mother say to get the kids to be quiet?
A. Mum's the word!

Q. How did the kid like his toy action figures that didn't have feet?
A. He can't stand them.

Q. Why didn't the kid like his new toy action figure that was missing a foott?
A. He thought they were lame.

Academic Point to Ponder: If they had an intensive summer program to help kids with ADHD, would they call it a concentration camp?

Q. What did the new baby say to its former military mom after she gave birth?
A. Thanks for yur cervix.

Mom: So, what did you learn in school today?
Son: Not enough. I have to go back again tomorrow.

Dad: You're never going to amount to anything because you proscrastinate.
Son: Oh yeah? You just wait!

Q. Why did the new kid run out of the classroom with a chair?
A. 'Cause the teacher said to take a seat.

Q. Why did the kid toss his watch out of the school bus window?
A. He wanted to see time fly.

Q. Which chocolate candy is exclusively for girls?
A. Her-She's Kisses.

Q. What is green and brown and crawls through the grass?
A. A girl scout who lost her cookies.

Q. What kind of keys do kids like to carry?
A. Cookies!

Q. What did the mother spider say to her kids?
A. You're spending too much time on the web.

Q. How is the Internet like being a parent?
A. Your mistakes are visible forever!

Q. What do some Facebook users feed their kids at lunch time?
A. Instagram Crackers.

Q. What do girl witches use to bake cookies?
A. An Easy Bake Coven.

Did you hear about the dentist's daughter? Now, she's a world-renowned ahh-pera singer!

Q. What happened to the girl who was born without eyebrows?
A. She had problems expressing herself.

Q. Why did the blonde girl throw her toy doll on the grill?
A. 'Cause it was a Barbie-que.

Q. Why couldn't the girl ever win a game of scrabble with her brother?
A. 'Cause he wooden letter.

Girl: Mom, What's it like to have the best daughter in the world?
Mother: I don't know. Ask your grandmother.

A woman tells her doctor she wants a hysterectomy. The doc asks, "Why Mrs. Robinson, you're 70 years old?" She replies, "I don't want any grandchildren!"

Q. What does Santa bring naughty boys on Christmas?
A. A pack of batteries and a note saying, "Toy Not Included."

Q. Why is Santa always so jolly?
A. Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

Q. What is a child's favorite Christmas king?
A. Stocking.

Q. Which travel game do kids play on a winter road trip over the meadow and through the woods?
A. Ice Spy.

Q. What did the Spanish teacher ask the girl about her new Christmas sweater?
A. Fleece Navidad?

Guy to ER Doc: Hurry! My son swallowed a razor blade!
ER Doc: Have you done anything yet?
Guy: Yes, I shaved with my electric razor.

Q. How did the young lad feel about his first haircut?
A. He didn't like it at first, but then it grew on him.

Q. What does a mother ghost tell her kid before going trick or treating?
A. Put on your boos and shocks.

Q. What did the ghost's daughter want for her birthday?
A. A haunted dollhouse.

Q. What does a mommy cannibal say to the kids at the Halloween dinner table?
A. Don't talk with somebody in your mouth.

Q. Why couldn't the boy mummy have babies?
A. Because he has a hollow-weenie.

Bratty Child Groan of the Day: A man was found guilty of murdering his parents, but he asked the judge for leniency because he was an orphan.

Q. What did the mother frankfurter say to the naughty child wiener?
A. Don't be a brat! OUCH!

Christmas Wisecrack: Good parents teach their kids not to catch snowflakes with their tongues until all the birds have gone south.

Q. Why do engineers look forward to Christmas?
A. They get to assemble all of their kids' toys.

Q. What are an orphan's favorite toys?
A. Mom and dad action figures.

Son: Mom, can I have $20?
Mom: Sigh, does it look like I'm made of money?
Son: Well, isn't that what M.O.M. stands for?

Q. What does a Secret Santa give a kid who is obsessed by NASCAR and Star Wars?
A. A toy Yoda.

Witch Tip of the Day: Nobody likes spoiled children, so be sure to use airtight containers on Halloween.

Old kids never die; they just adulterate.

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