Q. Why didn't Santa launch his sleigh from the North Pole on time?
A. There were small elf and safety concerns.

Q. How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh and reindeer?
A. Nothing. It's on the house!

Q. Why is Santa's sack so full?
A. Because he only comes once a year.

Q. What do you get if you cross St. Patrick's Day and Christmas?
A. St. O'Claus!

Christmas Pick-Up Line: Hey girl, Santa's lap isn't the only place X-mas wishes come true.

Q. What do you call Santa if he has a secret life at the South Pole?
A. Bi-Polar.

Santa and his wife wanted to split up, but there are no divorce lawyers at the North Pole. So, they got a semicolon instead; they're great for separating independent Clauses.

Q. Why couldn't Santa bring his trophy deer and snipe on his flight home?
A. 'Cause the airline only allows one carrion.

Q. Who gives out oral hygiene gifts at Christmas time?
A. Santa Floss!

Chilling Christmas Holiday Point to Ponder: Is Aunt Arctica Santa Claus's sister?

Q. Which wind is named after Santa Claus's temperate cousin?
A. Santa Ana.

Q. Why does Santa dislike painful North Pole puns?
A. Because it's snow laughing matter!

Q. What do lady reindeer do while the guys are out with Santa?
A. They head down to the Elks Club to blow a few bucks.

Christmas Pick-Up Line: Hey Babe, you wanna meet Santa's little helper tonight?

Q. What does Santa bring naughty boys on Christmas?
A. A pack of batteries and a note saying, "Toy Not Included."

Q. Why does Santa have a standing appointment with his shrink every December 26th?
A. He's tired of all that sitting in his sleigh.

Q. Why does St. Nick like the Temptations' version of Silent Night best?
A. Because Santa Was a Rolling Stone.

Christmas Pick-Up Line: Wow, now I know the the reason Santa came up with his Naughty List.

Q. Why is Mrs. Claus so jolly?
A. She jingles all the cabernet while Santa's on his sleigh!

Q. Why does Mrs. Santa enjoy the Christmas season so much?
A. Because it's the most wine-derful time of the year!

Q. What does Mrs. Claus say to Santa before he leaves for the day?
A. Ho, ho, ho. Merlot Christmas!

Q. How does Mrs. Claus endure living at the North Pole?
A. She's enjoys living in a Wine-ter Wonderland!

Q. What does Santa take if he's not feeling well on Christmas eve?
A. A chill pill.

Christmas Pick-Up Line: Hey, did you ask Santa for a unicorn this year? 'Cause you look like you'd appreciate a little horny.

Q. What did Santa Claus name the hottest brothel at the North Pole?
A. The Work Shop!

Christmas Party Pick-Up Line: Hey Babe, how would you like to meet Santa's little helper tonight?

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa!

Q. Why should you never leave out 288 cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve?
A. Because that's two gross!

Q. Which vaccination does Santa always get before Christmas Eve?
A. Shingles.

Q. What would you get if you cross Santa and a dill pickle?
A. Claussen.

Christmas Pick-Up Line: Does watching Miracle on 34th Street make you Santa-mental, too?

Q. How did Santa communicate with his reindeer before the Internet?
A. He used Moose Code.

Christmas Pick-Up Line: Boy, you must be Santa Claus! 'Cause you think you're a gift in and of yourself.

Q. What do you call Santa Claus if he goes bankrupt?
A. St. Nickel-Less.

Q. What would you get if you cross Father Christmas and a dill pickle?
A. St. Pickle-aus.

Q. How do we know Santa is a man?
A. He shows up late, eats your cookies, empties his sack, calls you a ho, and leaves while you're sleeping.

Q. What did the naughty soccer announcer get from Santa Claus?
A. COOOOOOOOAAAAALLLL!

Q. Who delivers Christmas presents to good dogs?
A. Santa Paws.

Christmas Pick-Up Line: If I dress up as Santa, will you be my Ho?

Q. Why does Santa grow tomatoes during the his off season?
A. He likes to hoe, hoe, hoe.

Xmas Pick-Up Line: Babe, can I take your pic so I can show Santa exactly what I want for Christmas?

Q. Who delivers presents to little sharks at Christmas time?
A. Santa Jaws!

Q. What do you call Father Christmas on the beach?
A. Sandy Claus.

Q. What do you get if Santa goes down a chimney into a lit fireplace?
A. Krisp Kringle.

Q. Why did Santa take 22 reindeer to Walmart?
A. What he was buying cost around 20 bucks, but he thought it wise to bring along some extra doe.

Q. Why did Santa Claus have to go to his doctor?
A. Due to bad elf.

North Pole Pick-Up Line: Hey elfman, I'm a rebel without a Claus.

Q. What do you call it when St. Nick suddenly stops singing Xmas Carols?
A. Santa Pause.

Q. Where does Santa Claus keep his money?
A. At the Snow Bank.

Q. What was left after Santa's sleigh was hit by a drone and several deer died?
A. Just the remaindeer.

Q. Why did Santa visit a strip club to get in the holiday spirit?
A. Because of all the Ho Ho Hos!

Q. Which kind of bike does Santa ride, weather permitting?
A. Holly Davidson.

Q. What do you get if you cross St. Nick with a dectective?
A. Santa Clues.

Q. What is Santa's favorite place to deliver holiday gifts?
A. Idaho-ho-ho.

Q. What do you get if you deep-fry department store Santas?
A. Crispy Kringles.

Q. What value did Santa's accountant put on his sleigh?
A. Net Present Value.

Q. What do you call a jolly old dog who works at the North Pole?
A. Santa Paws.

Q. Why was Santa cast in a musical?
A. Because he had stage presents.

Q. What did the elves call Santa after he ate a brrr-ito and a chilly dog for lunch?
A. Farter Christmas.

Elfish Christmas Pick-Up Line: Girl, Santa isn't just coming once this year.

Q. Why did Santa's little helper need therapy?
A. Because he had low elf esteem.

Q. What happens if you use the fireplace on Christmas Eve?
A. You get Crisp Kringles.

Q. Who delivers Christmas presents to kitty cats?
A. Santa Claws.

Q. Who brings presents to good birdies at Christmas time?
A. Santa Caws!

Q. Why did Santa leave the amputee an artifical leg for Christmas?
A. It was a stocking stuffer.

When pesky telemarketers call, just hand your cell phone to your four-year-old and tell her it's Santa Claus...

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