Gardening Grin of the Day: Gardeners with green thumbs always know the ground rules!

Q. How can you tell blooming gardener jokes are bad?
A. When they're a real pain in the aster.

Q. How do you know you're a master gardener?
A. You have a decorative container of compost on your kitchen counter.

Q. What did the new upstart plant nursery ultimately suffer?
A. Growing pains.

Q. Why was the potato crying over his vodka and tonic?
A. It was his cousins.

Q. What is the wise gardener's mantra?
A. Weed 'Em and Reap!

Q. Why did the gardener quit?
A. His celery wasn’t high enough.

Q. After working with cow poop, how does a botanist clean her hands?
A. She gets a manure-cure.

Today's Gardening Fact: God makes rainy days so that gardeners can get their housework done.

Q. Did you hear the latest gardening joke about the tree?
A. It'll leaf you laughing.

Q. Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down to earth novels and movies?
A. Because they're plot devices.

Q. How are gardeners like doctors?
A. Both bury their mistakes.

Garden Plot Tip of the Day: Gardening takes a lot of water, and a lot of that is perspiration.

Q. What happened to the Venus Fly Trap's plant food?
A. The arbor-ate-em.

Q. Did you hear the gardener's joke about the old oak tree?
A. It's acorny one!

Garden Groan of the Day: For this green growner tree pun, we had to go out on a limb and branch out to some higher sources.

Q. What does a gardener call a collection of fruit trees that's being badly neglected?
A. A tortured orchard.

Q. What do trees wear to pool parties?
A. Swimming trunks.

Q. Why didn't anybody laugh at the gardener's jokes?
A. 'Cause his puns were weedy bud.

Q. Which lawn invader makes gardeners the most grouchy?
A. Crab grass.

Q. Which little plant likes to invade trendy, stylish gardens?
A. Chic-weed.

Q. What did the gardeners say when he discovered nasty weeds in his garden?
A. I have spotted spurge!

Q. What happened when a dandelion attacked a redneck?
A. He blew its head off.

Q. Which song goes through a gardener's head while he pulling weeds?
A. Thistle While You Work.

Q. Why didn't the feminist blonde gardener pull out one particular kind of unwanted plant?
A. 'Cause it was chickweed. DUH!

Q. In semi-arid Colorado, how do gardeners know it's time to turn on your sprinklers and water the landscape?
A. Fur trees are whistling for dogs!

Q. Why was the tree drooling?
A. Because it was a Dogwood.

Q. How can you tell if a tree is a Dogwood?
A. By its bark!

Q. What happened when the gardener decided to plant only nectarines trees?
A. Everything went peachy keen.

Q. How can you tell it's time to water the landscape in your front yard?
A. Every dog in the neighborhood has stopped by to water your tree!

Q. What is it called when a gardener covertly listen to foliage falling in the fall?
A. Leaves-dropping.

Q. What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
A. Arbor-ista.

Q. How did the gardener know it was time to buy a new lawn mower?
A. His old one just didn't cut it anymore!

Q. What did the exhausted guy say when he gave up on mowing the grass?
A. I fought the lawn and the lawn won!

Q. What do gardeners call a dessert pastry topped by fresh lawn clippings?
A. Pie ala mowed!

Q. What does a macho guy say after he's finally done mowing the lawn?
A. I really kicked grass!

Q. What do pristine lawn enhusiasts call pesky annual seed grass in their yard?
A. Crap grass.

Q. Why was the guy slumped over his lawn mower and crying?
A. He'd been through a really rough patch.

Q. Which kind of company replants lawns using crop dusting planes flown by balding pilots?
A. A reseeding airline.

Q. How do you know if you're a bad gardener?
A. All the rocks in your garden went belly up!

Q. What kind of garden flowers grow in outer space?
A. Moonflowers, Sunflowers, Star Clusters, and Cosmos.

Q. What do thirsty garden trees like to drink?
A. Root Beer.

Plant Lovers Pick Up Line: Are you a botanist? 'Cause I'm lichen you!

Q. What do you call a land where the people drive only pink cars?
A. A pink carnation.

Q. Why did the farmer's horse go behind the barn?
A. It wanted to change its Jockeys.

Q. Why did the gardener need a cork?
A. Because his garden sprung a leek!

New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past, and rely on the fuchsia...

Today's Gardening Fact: You can't plant flowers, if you've haven't botany.

Q. How do you know you're a master gardener?
A. You plan your vacation to hit every arboretum, botanical garden, and eco park at your destination.

Growing Point to Ponder: You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think...

Q. What did the woman say when a neighbor asked to borrow her lawnmower?
A. Sorry, he's not home yet.

Gardening Point to Ponder: When the lawn care guy went broke, could he take out a loam?

Q. How do you know you're a master gardener?
A. You'd rather spend a day shopping at a nursery than at a clothing store.

Q. What is a gardener's favorite novel?
A. War and Peas.

Q. Who are garden care employees at the soil tilling company obedient to?
A. The plowers that be.

Q. How do you keep a monkey from pooping in your garden?
A. Don't show him! Monkey see, monkey do.

Q. What is a baker's favorite kind of tree?
A. Pastry.

Q. What do you call it when worms take over the world?
A. Global Worming.

Q. What is the most musical garden insect?
A. The Humbug!

Q. What is a garden slug?
A. A snail with a housing problem.

Q. What do you call a ladybug or a scarab that prefers to ascend up steep surfaces?
A. An uphill beetle.

Q. Which kind of spider coexists happily with rodents in your yard?
A. Ratty Long Legs.

Gardener's Lament of the Day: If only I could grow green stuff outdoors, the way I can in my refrigerator....

Q. Why shouldn't you ever iron a four-leaf clover?
A. You might press your luck.

A guy was digging out in his garden when he found a chest full of gold coins. He was about to run straight inside to tell his wife about it, but then he remembered why he was digging in our garden...

Q. Why are some garden gnome statues R-rated?
A. Because they're into insects and violets.

Q. Which garden statue decorates Darth Vader's yard?
A. Mannequin Skywalker.

Q. What is a stolen pink flamingo lawn ornament called?
A. A Flaming-gone.

Q. Where can gardeners buy garden decor for avians?
A. At Birdbath and Beyond.

Q. What is the wise gardener's mantra?
A. Weed 'em and Reap!

Q. What did the polite gardener say to Edgar Allan Poe to quickly warn him that he's about to walk into a Blue Spruce?
A. Poetry!

Q. Which type of tree is most commonly found in a gardener's kitchen?
A. A Pantry.

Q. What can a gardening chef make from baked beans and home-grown onions?
A. Tear gas.

Q. How do young green gardeners learn?
A. By trowel and error!

Gardener Groan of the Day: There is something missing from my garden flower bouquet, she said lack-a-daisy-cally.

Q. How do you know you're a master gardener?
A. During your free time, you'd rather fart around in the garden instead of watch TV.

Q. How does your garden grow?
A. Only thyme will tell...

Q. What happened after a garden plant took a math class?
A. It grew square roots!

Did you hear about the successful bonzai grower? His next project is a miniature golf course.

Q. What do gardeners call white-flowering shrubs that are entirely perishable?
A. Mere myrtles.

Q. What happened to the gardener that didn't return his library books?
A. He got a vine.

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