Q. What does a romantic gardener get if they plant kisses?
A. Tulips.

Q. Which vegetable is the fastest?
A. A Runner Bean!

Q. What do you have if you have six potatoes in one hand, and a bunch of leeks in the other?
A. Huge hands!

Q. What do horticulturalists call it when nightcrawlers take over the world?
A. Global Worming.

Green Math of the Day: I always thought a yard was three feet long, but then I started mowing the lawn...

Q. What did the male flower stamen say to the female pistil in the garden?
A. I like your style.

Gardening Point to Ponder: Have guys who sell garden soil hit pay dirt?

Q. What gets bigger, the more you take away?
A. A hole!

Q. What does the Green Giant wear when he goes to a corporate board meeting?
A. A three peas suit.

Q. What did the big garden flower ask the little flower?
A. What's up, Bud?

Q. What is a frog's favorite spring garden flower?
A. The croak-us!

Q. What do you call a master gardener's formal speech about the progress of pungent bulbs?
A. A state of the onion address.

Q. What did the lost porcupine say when he bumped into a cactus in the garden xeriscape?
A. Mom, is that you?

Q. What should you bake to celebrate a successful fall cactus garden?
A. Sticky buns!

Q. Which song does a suburban farmer sing if he really needs a building for his garden animals?
A. If I Only Had A Barn.

Q. What did the exhausted guy say when he gave up on mowing the grass?
A. I fought the lawn and the lawn won!

Q. Which cop show do sprinkler repairmen binge watch?
A. Lawn and Order.

Q. How did the hot new sod company describe its approach to getting more business?
A. Grass roots.

Q. What do you get if you drop your Halloween pumpkin?
A. Squash.

Q. What is a skeleton's favorite garden plant?
A. A bone-zai tree.

Q. What's a skeleton's favorite plant?
A. A spine tree.

Q. What is a skeleton's favorite fruit?
A. Spine-apple.

Q. What happens when a stoner Dalek eats too many bean burritos?
A. Emergency Temporal Shit!

Q. What should you do if you come across a green alien in your garden?
A. Wait until it's ripe.

"Weed It and Reap" is funny, but if you accidentally pull out your wife's flowers it's: "Weed It and Weep," and that's not funny at all.

Q. What are Halloween gourds afraid of?
A. Things that go pumpkin the night.

Q. What do you call an athletic Halloween pumpkin?
A. Jock-o-lantern!

Q. What do you get if you drop a pumpkin?
A. Squash.

Garden Groan: On Halloween, you can sit on my pumpkin, but you butternut squash it!

Did you know that farmers earn a meager celery, come home beet and just want to read the pepper, turnip the covers and endive into bed?

Q. Why did the gardener need a cork?
A. Because the May garden sprung a leek.

Q. What will future gardeners from Florida wear on Mars?
A. A Spathe Suit.

Q. What did the nut tree in Brazil say when it sneezed?
A. Cashew!

Q. Why do sharks swim in salt water?
A. Because pepper makes them sneeze. (Garden variety allergies are brutal!)

Q. What advice did Tucan Sam give to the botanist?
A. Follow your node!

Q. Why did Santa Claus say when he visited the green garden?
A. Hoe, Hoe, Hoe!

Q. Why don't reindeer like picnics?
A. Because of all the ant-lures.

Q. What do you call a frozen elf hanging from the roof?
A. An elf-cicle.

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