Q. Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A. Because it's too hard to light them on the bottom.

Q. What did the ice cream say to the sad birthday cake?
A. What's eating you?

Good News: Your birthday party is really hot! But the Bad News is: Your cake is on fire and the clown is dead!

Q. How do you know you're getting old?
A. The candles on your birthday cake cost more than the cake!

Fact: After eating a big meal on his birthday, finding room for dessert was a piece of cake.

B-Day Point to Ponder: Are birthdays Nature's way of telling us to eat more cake?

Blonde Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.
Doctor: Next time, try taking the candles off first.

Q. What does a chef say when it's time to celebrate?
A. It's Party Thyme!

Q. Which band is the luckiest to listen to on New Year's Day?
A. Black Eyed Peas.

Q. What is an unanticipated result of a great Taco Tuesday?
A. Wet Fart Wednesday.

Q. Which kind of bread should you eat on Wednesdays?
A. Humpernickel.

Q. When is a birthday cake just like a golf ball?
A. When you slice it.

Q. Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
A. It was feeling really crumby.

Valentine's Day Pick-Up Line: Girl, did you put Snickers in your Valentines? 'Cause you satisfy me.

Q. Which Valentine's Day candy is exclusively for girls?
A. Her-She's Kisses.

Q. Which kind of Valentine's Day candy is never on time?
A. Choco-late!

Q. What did the TicTac say to the Certs on Valentine's Day?
A. We are mint to be together.

Q. How was the blonde like Valentine's Day candy?
A. She was half sweet and half nuts.

Q. Where do hamburgers take their girlfriends for a hot date on Valentine's Day?
A. To the meatball.

Q. What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream on Valentine's Day?
A. You're so cool and I'm sweet on you.

Q. What do elephants exchange with each other on Valentine's Day?
A. Forget-Me-Nuts.

Q. Why shouldn't you give your heart to a pastry chef on Valentine's Day?
A. Because he'll dessert you!

Q. What did the French chef give his wife before he headed off to work on Valentine's Day?
A. A hug and a quickie.

Valentine's Day Pick-Up Line: Babe, you must be Campbell's Soup, 'cause you're mm mm good.

Q. Why did the egotistical blonde guy give his old girlfriend an orange on Valentine's Day?
A. Because she was lacking in Vitamin ME.

Q. What did the hot coffee say to the coffee pot on Valentine's Day?
A. I perked up when I met you!

Valentine's Day Pick-Up Line: Babe, what'll it be: coffee, tea, or Love Potion No. 9?

St. Patrick's Day Point to Ponder: If you drink green beer on St. Patrick's Day, is that considered a vegetable?

Q. Who was the Irish guy bouncing off the pub walls on St. Patrick's Day?
A. Rick O'Shay.

Q. How can you tell an Irishman had a fun St. Patrick's Day?
A. He's Dublin over with laughter.

Q. Which green drink do horny leprechauns drink on St. Patrick's Day?
A. Mount 'N Do.

Q. Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend on Valentine's Day?
A. She just didn't suit his taste.

Q. What did the boy candy say to the girl candy on Valentine's Day?
A. We are mint to be together.

Q. Where does the Easter Bunny eat breakfast?
A. At IHOP.

Q. What do you call a mischievious Easter egg?
A. A practical yolker!

Q. Why did the orange root veggie decide to wear a costume to Mardi Gras?
A. It was a mask-carrot party.

Q. What do you call a mischievious Easter egg?
A. A practical yolker!

Q. What does the Easter Bunny get for making a really sweet basket?
A. Two points.

Q. How do we know the Easter Bunny IS really smart?
A. Because he's an egghead!

Q. How do you host the best Father's Day BBQ pig roast ever?
A. You go whole hog!

Q. What is a Father's Day grilled steak pun told by your dad?
A. A medium where anything well done is rare!

Q. What did Dad say about his thoroughly cooked steak at our family's Father's Day party?
A. Job well done.

Q. Do they serve grilled T-bone steaks in Transylvania on Father's Day?
A. Only very rarely.

Q. Why do all hot dogs look the same after coming off the grill?
A. Because they are in bread.

Q. What spoiled the big Fourth of July beef steak BBQ?
A. When the hornets next door buzzed by by for a bite.

Q. Why are steaks so happy at Fourth of July barbeques?
A. Because they get to meet all their old flames.

Q. How do you know how long to leave your farm fresh 4th of July sweet corn on the BBQ grill?
A. Just play it by ear.

Q. At a 4th of July barbeque, is it proper to eat BBQ ribs with your fingers?
A. No, fingers should be eaten separately!

Q. What do you call a freezing frankfurter at a 4th of July cookout?
A. A chili dog!

Fourth of July BBQ Tip of the Day: Never make eye contact with anybody while you're eating a hot dog.

Q. What do the cops say when they arrive during your big 4th of July block party barbeque?
A. Dish is the Police.

Hot Dog End of the Summer Sentiment: I'm going to spend Labor Day putting my liver to work!

Long Hot Summer Bull Sh*t Point to Ponder: Is an argument between two vegans at a Labor Day cookout still called a beef?

Q. How do all great Labor Day cookouts begin?
A. With a meat and greet.

Q. What did the grill master say to the vegan at the big Labor Day barbeque?
A. Sorry, I can't listen to your rantings right now, while more important things are at steak.

Q. What spoiled the Labor Day barbecue?
A. When the mosquitoes next door dropped by for a bite.

Q. What's the difference between a hungry pirate and a drunken pirate on International Talk Like A Pirate Day?
A. One has a rumbling tummy and the other's a tumbling rummy.

Q. What do monsters eat at October barbeques?
A. Hallo-weenies!

Q. What do skeletons say before they eat?
A. Bone Appetite.

Q. What does the Italian restaurant serve on Halloween?
A. Fettucinni Afraid-o!

Q. What did the cannibal say when he was full after trick or treating?
A. I can't eat another mortal.

Q. What does a mommy cannibal say to the kids at the Halloween dinner table?
A. Don't talk with somebody in your mouth.

Q. What is a cannibal's favorite food?
A. Baked Beings.

Q. What is a monster's Halloween slogan?
A. Eat, drink, and be scary!

Q. How fast did the monster eat his
Halloween lunch?
A. He bolted it down.

Q. Why don't skeletons like spicy tacos?
A. 'Cause they just don't have the guts for it.

Q. What do you call recurrent dreams about an ancient Egyptian mummy attacking you while you're cooking?
A. Rameses Kitchen Nightmares.

Q. Why wasn't there any food left after the Halloween party?
A. Because everyone there was a goblin.

Q. What do you call stolen Halloween candy?
A. Hot Chocolate!

Q. What does a girl witch use to bake Halloween cookies?
A. An Easy Bake Coven.

Q. What is a Halloween retreat?
A. A second piece of candy.

Q. How did the zombie die?
A. Somebody threw him a green Lifesaver.

Q. What do birds hand out on Halloween?
A. Tweets.

Q. Which kind of pie is the favorite of ghosts in Australia?
A. Boo Meringue.

Q. What is a ghoul's favorite fruity flavor?
A. Lemon slime.

Q. What is a skeleton's favorite fruit?
A. Spineapple.

Q. What do you call haunted yogurt?
A. Paranormal Activia.

Q. What kind of breakfast cereal do monsters like most?
A. Ghost-Toasties.

Q. Why did the monster pour nacho cheese all over people's feet on Halloween?
A. He was hungry for Dori-toes.

Q. Why did the mommy monster tell her child not to eat uranium?
A. So he wouldn't get atomic-ache.

Q. Why did Dracula run out of the Italian restaurant?
A. They put garlic on his pizza.

Q. What do skeletons give out to trick or treaters on Halloween?
A. Spare ribs.

Q. What do they serve at the monster school cafeteria?
A. Human beans, broiled legs, pickled bunions and eyes cream.

Q. What do zombie college students eat?
A. Raw-men.

Q. What's a ghost pirate's favorite drink?
A. Boo Tea.

Did you hear about the cannibal scientist who perfected cloning? Now, he's full of himself.

Q. How can you tell if a witch is on a diet?
A. All her food is potion-controlled.

Q. Why did a girl ghost go on a diet after Halloween?
A. She wanted to keep her ghoulish figure.

Q. Why do pumpkins like Halloween parties better than Thanksgiving get-togethers?
A. With all the boos oh Halloween, they'll get smashed. On Thanksgiving, they get baked and eaten.

Q. Why do Coloradans smoke a bowl before Thanksgiving dinner?
A. Because there's no better time to get the munchies!

Q. Which special sweet potato dishe causes people to be overly honest on Thanksgiving?
A. Candid yams.

Q. What did the fireman say at Thanksgiving dinner?
A. Stop, drop, and pass the rols.

Q. What do cannibal Teddy bears eat on Thanksgving?
A. Stuffing

. Q. Which Thanksgiving side dish is the deadliest?
A. Grave-y.

Q. What do meat-eaters call it if you serve tofu turkey on Thanksgiving?
A. Pranksgiving.

Q. How can you tell the Thanksgiving chefs are have a very serious discussion?
A. They're talking turkey.

Q. What do turkeys eat on Thanksgiving?
A. Nothing. 'Cause they're already stuffed.

Q. If a big turkey is a gobbler, what do you call a small turkey on the Thanksgiving dinner table?
A. A goblet.

Q. What happens when you eat too much pumpkin pie during the fall season?
A. You'll get autmn-y ache.

Q. What happens when a hipster attends your Thanksgiving dinner?
A. He'll eat the leftovers before they're cool.

Q. Why couldn't the guy stop eating Thanksgiving leftovers?
A. He just coulldn't quit cold turkey.

Q. Why didn't the turkey have dessert on Thanksgiving?
A. Because he was stuffed.

Q. What do you say after eating way too much at the Thanksgiving table?
A. Oh my gourd! I am stuffed!

Q. Which kind of Thanksgiving dessert has the most calories?
A. Plump-kin pie.

Q. What is a turkey's favorite Thanksgiving dessert?
A. Peach Gobbler.

Q. What is the best thing to put in a delicious Thanksgiving pecan pie?
A. A fork.

Q. What is the best thing to sink into Thanksgiving pumpkin pie filling?
A. Your teeth.

Q. What did the pumpkin pie say to the pecan pie on Thanksgiving?
A. You're Nuts!

Q. What do cool snowman eat for dinner?
A. Icebergs with chilly sauce.

Q. Which band do gingerbread men with one leg listen to?
A. Limp Bizkit.

Q. Why don't snowmen like carrot cake?
A. Because it tastes like boogers.

Q. What is Santa's favorite snack food?
A. Crisp Pringles.

Christmas Wisecrack: Good parents teach their kids not to catch snowflakes with their tongues until all the birds have gone south.

Q. What do you get if you cross a snowman and a baker?
A. Frosty the Doughman.

Q. Where can you find chili beans?
A. At the North Pole.

Q. What is a snowman's favorite Christmas snack?
A. Ice Krispie Treats.

Q. Which kind of cake does a snowman like?
A. Any kind, as long as it has a lot of frosting.

Q. What do snowmen always order off the Tex-Mex lunch menu?
A. Brrr-itos!

Q. What do snowmen order at Wendy's Slide-thru window?
A. A Frosty.

Q. What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
A. Frosted Flakes.

Q. What is the most commonly served beverage at the North Pole?
A. Iced Tea.

Q. Why should you never leave out 288 cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve?
A. Because that's two gross!

Q. What did the Christmas holiday baker put on the gingerbread man's bed?
A. A cookie shee

Q. What is the best thing to put into a Christmas fruit cake?
A. Your teeth.

Q. What is the best thing to put into a Christmas fruit cake?
A. Anything but your fist because broken fingers hurt worse than eating fruit cake.

Q. What is a zombie's favorite holiday beverage?
A. Egg noggin.

Q. What do you get if you deep-fry department store Santas?
A. Crispy Kringles.

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