Q. What do you call a pig that likes to take off her clothes? A. Bacon Strips!   PainfulPuns.com - Puns, Jokes, Word Play, Groaners, Ouch!

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Camel Says: Happy Hump Day!
Q. How does a rooster kiss his girlfriend? A. With his pecker!
Gnirl, are you a bag of trash? 'Cause I want to take you out tonight!
Pirate Pick-up Line: I'm a love pirate looking for some booty!

Is that a phone in your pocket? 'Cause that ass is calling me!
Q. Why did the horny rooster go to KFC? A. He heard there's chicken meet up there!
Q. What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm? A. A Tattoo!
I hate cupid! Because he's SO stupid!
I hate Valentine's Day! And I'm not even a hermit crab!


Dateless Loner Puns, Stripper Jokes, Hooker Humor
Take it all off with stripper jokes, stag humor, lonely laughs and singles puns that drag along.

Breakup Jokes, Bachelor Humor, Cheap Date Puns
(Because Hook Ups with Porny Puns and Cheap Date Jokes Couldn't Be TOO Mainstream in the Red Light District!)
Warning: Strip Along At Your Own Peril! Dateless laughs, breakup jokes, singles humor and porno puns ahead.
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Q. Why did the banker take the blonde teller into the vault? A. For Safe Sex!A Bachelor's a Guy Who's Footloose and Fiance-Free. Q. Why did a guy keep throwing monopoly money at the stripper? A. She kept putting fake boobs in his face!

Q. Why is Facebook a great place for loners?
A. Because it's the only website where they can talk to a wall and not be considered losers!

Silly Solar System Point to Ponder: If boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider, then do girls go to Venus for more penis?

Q. What did the tech guy call his last teched-out girlfriend?
A. His iPhone Ex.

Q. What did the cannibal have after a one-night stand?
A. Breakfast in bed.

Pizza is the only love triangle I'm interested in.

Q. What do young female monsters do at parties?
A. They look for edible bachelors!

The Hulk does not have a girlfriend, but he does know a woman who'd be mad at him for saying that.

Q. Why doesn't The Hulk beat around the bush?
A. Because he has a girlfriend!

If looks could kill, my ex girlfriend could have killed around corners.

Incredible Party Faux Pas: The Hulk once ate a whole cake before guests told him there was a stripper in there.

Q. What do the sun and a stripper have in common?
A. Both circle the pole.

Q. What is a Colorado Rainbow Trout's main goal?
A. To keep his daughter off the pole.

Q. Why did the blonde hooker join the police force?
A. Because she wanted to work under covers.

Q. What do you call an Italian hooker?
A. A pasta-tute.

Q. What do you get if you put two nuns and a hooker on a football field?
A. Two tight ends and a wide receiver.

Gorilla Asks: Why do cheap guys watch porno movies backward? A. they like the part where the hooker gives the money back!Q. Where do pigs hook up? A. At the meet market!Q. Why did a rooster go to KFC? A. He wanted to see a chicken strip!

Q. Why did the doctor send the porn star home after her exam?
A. Because she was X-ray-ted.

Q. How are a Colorado weatherman and a ski area hooker alike?
A. Both can only estimate how many inches they'll get, or how long it will last.

Q. What happens when you watch skeleton porn?
A. You end up with boner.

Q. Why did the blonde ghost try out to be a porn star?
A. 'Cause she had really big boobies.

Q. Why did the blonde vampire try out to be a porn star?
A. 'Cause she had really big fangs and thangs.

Horror Porn Tip of the Night: Graveyards are a great place to get laid, even while you're still alive!

Q. Why did his girlfriend dump the guy who collected too many superhero comics?
A. She said he just had too many issues.

Q. Why did the eyeball break up with the elbow?
A. Because the eyeball didn't find the elbow's humerus jabs at all humor-iris.

Q. Why did the computer break up with the Internet?
A. There was no connection.

Q. Why did the guy break up with his vampire girlfriend?
A. 'Cause she sucked the life right out of him.

Q. Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend?
A. She just didn't suit his taste.

Q. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A. He wiped his butt.

Q. What happened after the dancer was killed at the stripper bar?
A. Now the place is haunted with en-tities.

A topless bar tried to have a Polka night, but all the accordianists kept getting hurt.

Poultry Pick-Up Line: Hey chickadee, I'm no rooster, but just watch what this cock-a-do-to-you!

Q. Where do pirates find new pet birds?
A. Parrots without Partners!

Q. Why don't pirates go to strip clubs?
A. Because they already know where all the good booty is!

Mr. Spock: A syzygy is three heavenly bodies lined up in a row. Give me an example.
Chekov: Mudd's Women!

A doctor is the only man who can tell a woman to take off all her clothes and then send the bill to her husband!

Q. Where do burgers go to hook up? A. A meat ball!Q. What was teh transvestite rooster's stage name? A. Dawn!Q. Why don't single women fart? A. Because they don't have ass holes until they're married!

Anti Pick-Up Line for Gardeners: Everybody in your family must be a cactus, because you're a real prick!

Q. Why doesn't Dracula have very many friends?
A. Because he's such a big pain in the neck.

Q. Why didn't the vampire every marry?
A. He was a confirmed bat-chelor.

Q. Where do roofing contractors go to relax at the end of a long week?
A. The Shingle's Bar!

My Mechanic Blew My Mind: I never knew my mechanic was a psychic until he announced that I had blown a tranny in my car!

Q. What is Dracula's porn star name?
A. Vlad the Impaler.

Q. Which porno series continuously runs in the haunted bawdy house?
A. Ghouls Gone Wild.

Q. What's the difference between a man and a Pike National Forest Sasquatch?
A. One's covered in matted hair and smells bad. The other has big feet.

Q. What did the dentist's girlfriend say when she broke up with him?
A. No hard fillings...

Q. Why did the guy break up with his chiropractor girlfriend?
A. Because she was too munipulative.

Did you hear about the sasquatch in Colorado who broke up with his lady in the fog? Now he's known as Girl-less in the Mist.

Air Travel Point to Ponder: If you joined the Mile High Club solo, is that considered a High Jacking?

Hulk Asks: What do you call a clip of a macho guy that spreads online? A. A virile video!Gorilla Asks: Why are hermits always penniless? A. Because they're loaners!Q. What's the difference between meat and a chicken? A. If you beat your chicken, it will die!

Q. What is the hot new slogan of the Aurora Notel on E Colfax in Denver?
A. You've Rented the Room, Now Buy the Video!

Q. How can you tell you had a wild and wonderful Saturday night?
A. By the number of pics you have to un-tag on Monday morning!

Q. Why did the Penthouse photographer shoot a porno film?
A. 'Cause he was used to picturing everybody naked.

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy ... so I got drunk.

Q. Why was the lonely carpenter sad on Saturday night?
A. He didn't get lathed.

Q. Why is Han such a loner?
A. Because he's Solo.

Q. What do you call it when two people disappoint each other to the same degree?
A. The failing is mutual.

Q. Why did the narcissists get along so well together?
A. They were both at the same I level.

Battery-Powered Point to Ponder: When your battery runs out, is that because it's had it with you?

Q. What does a leprechaun call it when he gets a free handjob?
A. A stroke of good luck!

Q. Why is Museum a codeword for Strip Club to manly men?
A. 'Cause there's no touching.

Q. What do Colorado ranchers call a bull that pleasures himself?
A. Beef-Strokin'-Off!

Q. Which award did the sleazy tabloid journalist get from his hooker?
A. The Pull It Sore Prize.

Q. Why do some tech nerds wish dicks were like technology?
A. So they could brag about how small their's is.

Cell Phone Safety Tip of the Day: Never have phone sex without protection so you won't contract hearing aids.

Q. Why use Camouflage Condoms?
A. So they'll never see you coming.

Camo PSA: Never trust a guy who says he's wearing a camouflage condom!

Are you a Cyberman? Because I can't get you out of my mind!Q. Who makes more money, a drug dealer or a prostitute? A. A prostitute because she can always wash her crack and sell it again!Pick-Up Gnomes Say: Happy Sex Her Day!

Q. What is it called when a space alien visiting Earth masturbates too hard and goes up in flames?
A. Intense Science Friction.

Q. Why didn't Chewbacca ever marry?
A. He was too busy riding Solo.

Q. What does a horny Wookiee say?
A. I'm in the mood for a little nookiee.

Q. Who was the hooker looking for at the all-night filling station?
A. The gas pimp.

Q. Why did the dirtbag have a bolt of lightning tattooed onto his dick?
A. 'Casue lightning only strikes the same place once.

Q. What is the difference between a bottle of wine and a prostitute?
A. The older the bottle of wine, the more you have to pay for it.

Q. Where do billionaires go to fool around?
A. Estate of affairs.

Q. What happens if a psychiatrist and a prostitute spend the night together?
A. In the morning, each of them says, "$200 Please."

Q. What did the prostitute say to her vampire date?
A. You suck less than the others.

Q. Why did the boss hire a former porn star?
A. He knew she had a lot of spunk in her.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes in the morning?
A. Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Q. How can you tell a computer geek is an extrovert?
A. When he talks to you, he stares at your shoes instead of his.

Q. What do you call a ghost pervert?
A. A peek-a-boo!

Q. Why don't old hookers ever die?
A. 'Cause they just get laid up.

Q. Why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend?
A. He claimed he needed more space.

Valentine's Day Sucks! That's What She Said!Q. What do single people call Valentine's Day? A. Independence Day!Q. Why is Santa so jolly? A. He knows where all the naughty girls live!

Did you hear about the nurse who swallowed a razor blade? She gave herself a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy and circumcised three of the doctors on her shift.

Q. What is the difference between a golf ball and the G Spot?
A. A man will spend at least 5 minutes looking for a golf ball.

Eye Doctor: You need to stop masturbating so often.
Patient: Why? Will I go blind?
Eye Doctor: No, but it's making the other patients very uncomfortable.

Q. What excuse did Bigfoot have for abducting a pretty girl in Woodland Park?
A. She brought out the beast in me!

Q. Why did the pro bowler's girlfriend break up with him?
A. All the kegling jokes just weren't up her alley.

Q. Why did the league bowler's girlfriend break up with him?
A. She claimed he was a real pinhead.

Q. What killer round did the zombie order at the singles bar?
A. A shot of ta-kill-ya, a Bloody Mary, and a Mind Eraser!

Q. What happens when somebody steals your heart?
A. They get cardiac arrested.

Q. Why did the lonely skeleton cry himself to sleep every night?
A. Because he was empty inside.

Q. Why did the guy break up with his watermelon vendor girlfriend?
A. Because she was always so melon-dramatic about everything!

Q. Why did Lois Lane break up with Superman?
A. Because he claimed even X-ray vision couldn't penetrate her meatloaf!

Q. How did the woman refer to her ex-husband after the divorce?
A. As her bitter half.

Q. How do we know Santa is a man?
A. He shows up late, eats your cookies, empties his sack, calls you a ho, and leaves while you're sleeping.

Q. Why doesn't Santa Claus, A.K.A. Father Christmas, have any children of his own?
A. Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down a chimney.

Q. Why did Santa visit a strip club?
A. Because all the Ho Ho Hos got him in the holiday spirit! (Santa doesn't need Red Bull!)

Q. Why did the lady snowman delete Tinder?
She was getting too many sno-cone pics.

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper who runs a bawdy house? He sold his soul to Santa!

Q. What do you call the hottest brothel at the North Pole?
A. The Work Shop!

Desperate Christmas Eve Pick-Up Line: Hey, let's both just be naughty this year and save Santa the house call.

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