Q. Why did Frosy the Snowman want a divorce? A. Because he thought his wife was a flake!   PainfulPuns.com - Puns, Jokes, Word Play, Groaners, Ouch!

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Q. Why don't single women fart? A. Because they don't have ass holes until they're married!
Q. How many assholes does it take to change a light bulb? A. None. Assholes never see the light anyway!

Q. How many cheating husbands does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. None. Cheating husbands screw in motels!
Did you get your license suspended for driving men crazy?
Q. What do you call a pig that likes to take off her clothes? A. Bacon Strips!
Q. Why did a rooster go to KFC? A. He wanted to see a chicken strip!

 


Divorce Jokes, Divorcee Humor, Split Up Puns
Set yourself free with happily unmarried puns, ex-mate humor, and fed up spouse jokes.

Break Up Jokes, Divorced Puns, Ex-Wife Humor
(Because Divorce Jokes and Un-Marry Puns Couldn't Be TOO Mainstream If You Juat Want to Be Single Again!)
Warning: Proceed with Due Caution! Divorce jokes, over-time humor, and puns without separation anxiety ahead.
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Big Gorilla Asks: If marriage is grand, what is divorce? A. Ten Grand!Q. Why did the optometrist couple get divorced? A. They just couldn't see eye to eye!Big Ape Asks: Why is divorce so expensive? A. Because it's worth it!

Q. What did Dracula's wife say to the divorce lawyer after she caught the Count cheating on her?
A. Just bleed him dry!

Q. Why did the guy's wife leave him after he spent all their money on multiple penis enlargement surgeries?
A. 'Cause she just couldn't take it any longer.

At couples therapy, the shrink asked the wife why she wanted to end their marriage. She said, "I hate the constant Star Wars puns." To which the husband replied, "Divorce is strong with this one."

Q. Why did the archaeologist's wife divorce him?
A. Because he was carbon dating behind her back.

Q. Why did the big cats get divorced?
A. 'Cause he was a big cheetah!

Q. Why did the guy and his cross-eyed wife get divorced?
A. He found out she was seeing somebody on the side.

Q. Why did the dentist and the manicurist end up getting a divorce?
A. Whenever they fought, it was tooth and nail.

When the gardener's wife said she was leaving him because of his unhealthy obsession with plants, he asked: "Where is this stemming from, my sweet blossom?"

Caffeinated Point to Ponder: If coffee and tea got married, but the tea leaves, does that give coffee grounds for divorce?

Q. How are divorced men and pigeons different?
A. The pigeon can still make a depost on a new Tesla.

Q. What is the cost of a good divorce lawyer?
A. A whole lot less than a bad one.

Q. How do divorce lawyers defend themselves?
A. Marital Arts.

Q. What did the scientist say when his wife announced she was leaving him because he was obsessed with astronomy?
A. Geez, what planet is she on?

Q. Why did Mr. Snow get a divorce?
A. He knew his wife was totally flaky.

Waiter: Sir, you know the food here is really bad, so why do you keep coming back?
Customer: Sigh, it reminds me of my ex-wife's cooking.

Q. How difficult was the pastry chef's divorce?
A. It was a piece of cake.

Q. Why don't pirate marriages last? A. Because of all the arrguments!My husband said he needed more space, so I locked him outside!Green Alien Says: My wife says I never bring her to an organic?

Did you hear about the Colorado geologist? He took his wife for granite, so she left him.

Q. What did the cannibal say after he dumped his wife?
A. Please pass the toilet paper.

The cannibal chef daintily wiped his mouth and said, "My wife makes great soup. I'm really going to miss her."

Q. Which divorce law firm is the most popular in Las Vegas?
A. Ditcher, Quick, and Hyde.

Q. What can a married guy get that'll really spice up his sex life?
A. A divorce.

Q. Why did the horses get a divorce?
A. because their relationship wasn't very stable.

Q. What is the difference between a marriage and a mental hospital?
A. At a mental hospital, you have to show improvement to get out!

Q. What did the golfer's wife complain about on the course?
A. She claimed golf was driving a wedge between them.

Q. How does a guy know he's divorced?
A. The sex is the same, but the dishes and laundry are piled up.

Q. What is alimony?
A. The screwing you get for the screwing you got. OUCH!

Q. How can you tell your wife is a good housekeeper?
A. After the divorce, she keeps the house.

Q. How did the the farmer's wife end their relationship?
A. She sent him a Deere John letter.

Q. What did Yoda say to Han Solo when Leia left him?
A. May divorce be with you.

Q. What id the difference between a divorce and a circumcision?
A. In a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick.

Q. Why did the garden divorce the field?
A. She caught him getting plowed by a hoe.

Q. What is it call when bananas break up?
A. A banana split.

An electrician finally gets home at 3:00 a.m. His wife asked, "Wire you insulate?" He replied, "Watt's it to you? I'm ohm, aren't I?"

Gorilla Asks: Why do cheap guys watch porno movies backward? A. they like the part where the hooker gives the money back!Did you hear about the couple getting married who had a minor dispute? It soon turned into an altar-cation!Valentine's Day Sucks! That's What She Said!

Q. How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Who knows? They never get the house.

Q. What do a tornado, a flood, a fire and a divorce all have in common?
A. They're all ways to lose your house.

Q. Why did the banker's wife want a divorce?
A. Because she lost interest in him.

Q. Why wasn't the stock broker upset when his wife divorced him?
A. Because he had a lot of options.

Q. Why didn't the angry farmer divorce his wife when she traded their prize milking cow for a book of poetry?
A. Because he vowed to love her for butter or verse.

Funny Fitness Failure: I met my ex-wife at the gym, but we just didn't workout.

Q. How are divorces and algebra alike?
A. When you look at your X and wonder Y.

Q. Why did Mrs. Snowman divorce her husband?
A. She caught him with a snow blower.

Q. Why did the boar's wife run away from home?
A. She felt he was taking her for grunted.

Q. Why is bad coffee considered the end of a marriage?
A. Because it's grounds for divorce.

Q. Why did the desserts get divorced?
A. She caught him with a tart.

Q. What happened after the desserts were divorced?
A. She got custardy of the children.

Q. Why did the two arctic bears get a divorce?
A. Because they were polar opposites.

Q. What do you call a life partner you found on the Internet?
A. Wife v.i.0.

Q. Why did Mrs. Claus file for divorce?
A. Because Santa only comes once a year.

Santa and his wife wanted to split up, but there are no divorce lawyers at the North Pole. So, they got a semicolon instead; they're great for separating independent Clauses.

Q. Why isn't marriage a word?
A. Because it's a life sentence.

Have you heard about the new Divorce Barbie doll? She comes complete with Ken's Corvette and all of his stuff.

Stinking Funny Groaner: I don't mind the snoring, but the drool running down your chin while you're farting in your sleep is just too much.

Once, an invisible man married an invisible woman. Their kids were nothing to lat, too.You might be from Colorado if you highly recomment the Rocky Mountain Oysters to your visiting in-laws!Q. Why did a guy keep throwing monopoly money at the stripper? A. She kept putting fake boobs in his face!

Q. Why did the mimes get a divorce?
A. They just did not communicate.

Q. What should you do if you miss your ex-wife?
A. Aim more carefully next time! OUCH!

Q. Why did the rooster file for divorce?
A. He was tired of being hen-pecked!

Q. Why did the Boise potatoes finally get a divorce?
A. Because they couldn't see eye to eye.

Farmer: Why can't you make bread like my mother?
Wife: Why can't you make dough like my father?

Q. What happened when the guy forgot to wear the hearing aid he just got from his doctor?
A. His wife gave him an earful.

Wife: You know dear, without your glasses you look like the handsome young man I married.
Husband: Honey, without my glasses you look pretty darned good, too.

A man fell in love with his donkey and decided to marry her. At the wedding, the minister said, "Well, this is refreshing. Usually it's the woman who marries the ass."

Q. Why did the sow kick the boar out of bed?
A. Because he always hogged the covers.

Q. What did the newly divorced Colorado brewer name the newest version of his Celebration Ale?
A. Celebration Fail.

Q. How do divorcing couples in Colorado decide who gets the marijuana?
A. Judges are issuing joint custody.

Q. What is the only thing divorce proves?
A. Whose mother-in-law was right.

Q. What did the redneck fisherman say to his buddy?
A. I got a new fly reel for my wife. Best trade I ever made!

Q. Why did the guy who stinks at golf still play every weekend?
A. To bug his wife; she thinks he's out having fun.

Q. How are enemas and divorces alike?
A. At first they're both pretty crappy, but in the end, they feel pretty good!

Q. What did the wife say after her husband told her he wanted to frame a picture of her breasts?
A. Okay, if I can take a pic of your penis and enlarge it.

Q. What happens if your divorced mother marries a ladder?
A. You get a step ladder.

Q. How did the woman refer to her ex-husband after the divorce?
A. As her bitter half.

Q. What separates man from animals?
A. Divorce.

Q. Why did the guy want his ex-wife to sing at his funeral?
A. So everybody else knows there are worse things than death.

Q. Why is there such a high divorce rate among tennis players?
A. 'Cause love means zip to them.

Did you hear about the cheating wife who got knocked up by her tennis coach? Serves her right!

Q. How is getting a divorce from your spouse like bowling?
A. You carry something heavy going into it, and if all goes as planned, you end up with an X.

Q. How are a computer that just crashed and a guy who just had an argument with his wife alike?
A. Both proceed in safe mode.

Q. How does the divorce diet work?
A. After it's finalized, you end up losng 200 pounds of dead weight.

Q. Why did a woman go to the optician to return a pair of glasses she bought for her husband?
A. He still wasn't seeing things her way.

Q. Which new dating site is for the newly divorcd crowd?
A. UnMatched.

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