Toney Tip of the Day: Don't let you kids watch symphonies on TV. There’s too much sax and violins.

Q. What is the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw?
A. The exhaust!

Small wonder we have so much trouble with air pollution in the world, if you consider how much air (and whatever) has passed through saxophone players.

Pick Up a Saxophone Player Line: Hey baby, do you believe in premarital sax?

Q. What charges were brought against the jazz musician who groped a lady?
A. Sax-ual harassment.

Q. What happened during the fight in the orchestra hall?
A. Somebody struck a wrong chord and it led to a lot of violins.

Q. What happened after the classical violinist bought a Stradivari?
A. He was quite Baroque.

Q. What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin?
A. No one minds if you spill beer on a fiddle.

Q. Why do violinists put a cloth between their chin and their instrument?
A. Because violins don't have spit valves.

Musician Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, this cello isn't the only big wood between my legs.

Q. What happened to the guy who was busted for smuggling reed instruments?
A. He was charged with sax trafficking.

Q. What do you call the musician who plays both the tenor and alto saxophones?
A. Bi-saxual.

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. To get away from the bassoon recital.

Q. What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up an oboe.

Did you hear about the successful hunter's secret to attracting so many ducks? He paid an oboe player to go along and play.

Q. What do you call a person who plays the viola poorly?
A. A Violator!

Q. Why are violinists braver than guitarists?
A. Because they never fret.

Q. What's the difference between a cello and a coffin?
A. The coffin has the corpse inside.

Q. What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
A. A violin has strings, but a fiddle has strangs.

Q. Why did the old violin die?
A. 'Cause it became unstrung.

Q. What do you get if you cross a Scottish fisherman and a British jazz musician?
A. An angler-saxin'.

Q. Why was the musician banned from the jazz club?
A. 'Cause he's a registered sax offender.

Instrumental Tip of the Day: Too much sax and violins can only lead to treble.

Q. What do you call the homeless monkey in the orchestra's woodwind section?
A. Oboe Bonobo Hobo.

Q. What did the jazz musician do at the big brawl?
A. Came out swinging.

Q. What is the difference between a fiddle and a violin?
A. A fiddle is fun to listen to.

Q. Why was Ghandi removed from the orchestra?
A. He rejected the violins.

Q. What is it called after a concert master has his violin repaired?
A. Fit as a fiddle.

String player's motto: It's better to be sharp than out of tune.

Q. Why does it always sound like that violin is crying?
A. It must be too highly strung.

Q. What do you call a donkey with a banjo?
A. Bluegr-ass.

Q. Why do banjo pickers always die with their boots on?
A. So they won't stub their toes when they kick the bucket.

Q. Is there any difference between the sound of a clarinet and a cat in heat?
A. Only if the cat is in good health.

Q. Why do bagpipe players walk while they're playing?
A. To get away from the noise!

Stringy Pick-Up Line: Hey girl, this bass fiddle isn't the only thing I'm good at fingering.

Q. What is a reed instrument player's favorite movie?
A. Gone with the Woodwinds.

Jazzy Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, you are so saxy!

Q. What do you call a guitar that wants to become a violin?
A. Trans-Fender.

Q. How do you make a cello sound beautiful?
A. Sell it and buy a violin.

Q. How did the female cellist stay first chair for so long?
A. She kept her scherzo short.

Q. Why did Karl Marx detest classical music?
A. Because of the violins inherent to the system.

Strings Pick-Up Line: Hey there, my bowing arm is getting sore 'cause you continue to make me tremol.

Pick-Up a Concert Master Line: Hey big guy, are you a violinist? 'Cause I really want to rosin your bow.

Pick-Up a Musician Line: Hello baby, are you a violinist? 'Cause you are really playing my heart strings.

Q. Why do you bury dead saxophone players six feet under?
A. Because deep down, they're all nice people.

Q. What do you call a British gent who plays the saxophone?
A. An Anglo-Saxon.

Q. What is "perfect pitch?"
A. When you lob a clarinet into a toilet without hitting the rim.

Reedy Bad Hookup Line: Hey babe, I bet that clarinet isn't the only thing you know how to blow.

Clarinet Player Hookup Line: Hey babe, if you were sheet music, I'd reed you all night long.

Clarinet Player Pick-Up Line: Babe, the reed isn't the only thing I can get wet.

Musician Hookup Line: Hey babe, I'll let you play my clarinet, if you're careful not to chip the wood.

Q. Why don't some moms let their young children listen to Beethoven?
A. Because of all the violins.

Q. How did the young violinist learn to play?
A. He just started fiddling around with it.

Q. What did the violin say when it finally played the piece correctly?
A. Viola!

Scaled Down Pick-Up Line: Babe, you had me at "Cello."

Old concert violinists never die, they just become unstrung.

Q. Which virtuoso always take a bow before a performance?
A. Yoyo Ma.

Q. How does a guitar player keep his guitar from being stolen?
A. He stores it in a cello case.

Q. What happened when soldiers were given musical instruments instead of guns?
A. There was no war, just violins.

Q. What is an Emo kid's favorite musical instrument?
A. The forearm violin. Wah.

Q. What is the missing link between the bass and an ape?
A. The baritone.

Q. Why does smooth jazz put some people to sleep?
A. 'Cause of the mellow tonin'.

Q. Which kind of fish plays a very large fiddle?
A. Bass.

Q. Why is jazz the music genre most often used to set the mood?
A. 'Cause it's so sax-y.

Q. Why should you never hit somebody in the head with a string instrument?
A. 'Cause violins is never the answer!

Q. Why don't old saxaphones ever die> A. Because they're so jazzed up.

Q. How are a tuna and a bass player alike?
A. Both a tuna and a bass player can be canned, but only the musician can dance the Can-Can!

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