Police pick-up lines for blondes: What else can you do with your nightstick?   PainfulPuns.com - Painful Puns, Punny Funs, Groaners, Ouch!

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Hey Gnirl, your bosons give me a HADRON!
Police pick-up line for blondes: Officer, that's a mighty big flashlight you have there!

Q. What's the difference between snowmen and snow ladies? A. Snow Balls!
Hey Gnirl, you turn my software into hardware!

Hulk Asks: What do you call a clip of a macho guy that spreads online? A. A virile video!
Bull asks: Did you hear about the guy who died eating Rocky Mountain Oysters? The bull dragged him more than a mile!

 


Viagra Jokes, Male Anatomy Humor, Balls Puns
Slang along with dick jokes, pee pee puns, organ humor, willy whoas, testy laughs and wood grins.

Penis Jokes, Testicle Puns, Male Body Humor
(Because Privates Jokes ane Impotent Puns Couldn't Be TOO Mainstream If You're Contemplating a Vasectomy!)
Warning: Proceed Cautiously! Rocky Mountain Oyster jokes, meat humor, ED LOLs and members only puns ahead.
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Q. Where does Superman park his privates? A. On Lois Lane!Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild? A. A $100 Bill!A guy walks into a psychiatrist office wearing only plastic wrap shorts. Shrink says: "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."

Q. Why did the guy's wife leave him after he spent all their money on multiple penis enlargement surgeries?
A. Because she just couldn't take it any longer.

Q. What happened after a truckload of Viagra was stolen?
A. Police are still on the lookout for hardened criminals.

Q. What happened when the guy mixed up his depression medication with Viagra?
A. No matter how he tried, everything just kept getting harder and harder.

Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A. Cute, but can you breath through it?

Q. What do you call a penguin with a large penis?
A. An icebreaker.

Writing Fact of the Day: A pencil is not as phallic as a pen is.

Q. What is the name of the surgery where a man gets a penis enlargement?
A. Addalittledictamy.

Poor guy was in the hospital with 60% burns. Doc says, "Give him two Viagra." Nurse asks, "Do you think that will help?" Doc replies, "No, but it will keep the sheets off his legs!"

Well-Timed Pick-Up Line: Hey big guy, is that a metronome in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

Golf Fun Fact of the Day: It's not the size of your putter that matters, it's how many strokes you take!

Fishy Hookup Line: Hey big guy, I'm guessing you must be a good 12 inches, 'cause you're a real keeper.

Q. Which ballet is the most uncomfortable for guys to sit through?
A. The Nutcracker Suite.

What idiot named it Erectile Dysfunction instead of Ballzheimer's? Betting his name was Ed.

Q. What happened when the man tried to look up Impotence on the Web?
A. Nothing Came Up!

Rocking Pick-Up Line: Hey dude, are you a drummer? 'Cause I really want to play with your stick.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes in the morning?
A. Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Q. What is the least expensive venison cut?
A. Deer balls are always under a buck.

Q. What's the difference between meat and a chicken? A. If you beat your chicken, it will die!Did you hear about the circumcision doctor's wife who kept the foreskins? She made them into a purse. When she rubbed it, it became an overnight bag!Police pick-up lines for blondes: Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Slogan at the local meat market: A good butcher knows how to handle his meat.

Q. Why are rock band's members all such perverts?
A. Because the drummer sits in back beating it, the guitarist is fingering minors, the basist is slapping it around and they all like the pianist.

Q. What did the guy call it when he dropped his ED drugs?
A. Viagra Falls.

Q. Why didn't the guy have to take Viagra after visiting the haunted house?
A. 'Cause he was already scared stiff!

Pick Up a Paramedic Line: Hey big guy, is that an epi-pen in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

Q. What happened to the nervous circumcision doctor?
A. He slipped and got the sack.

Medical Quote of the Day: Upon examination of the genetalia, Zobo the clown, has indeed been circus-cized.

Q. What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over?
A. Dough-Nuts.

Q. What happened to the boy who was born without eyelids?
A. When he was circumcised, they used the skin for eyelids. Unfortunately, he's a little cock-eyed now.

Basketball Player Pick-Up Line: Hey bae, are you a hoops fan? 'Cause you've got the basket and I've got the balls.

Q. What happened to the jazz musician after his wife left him?
A. He had to toot his own horn.

Q. Which rapper has the smallest member?
A. 'Lil Dicky.

Q. What is the pharmaceutical name for the drug, Viagra?
A. MyCocksaFloppin.

Pharmacist Translation of the Day: A doctor wrote a guy a prescription for daily sex, but his girlfriend insists that it says for dyslexia.

Q. What happened after Grandpa got a prescription for Viagra?
A. Grandma's taking it pretty hard...

Up Beat Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, drummers have excellent stick control.

You might be from Colorado if you highly recomment the Rocky Mountain Oysters to your visiting in-laws!Q. Why don't roosters wear pants? A. Their peckers are on their faces! You might from Colorado if you will not touch Rocky Mountain Oysters, not even with a ten foot pole!

The new neighbor walked up to the dairy farmer with a jug of milk saying, "I just milked your cow." The astounded farmer replied, "Um, that's a bull!"

Q. What do you call a bull that pleasures himself?
A. Beef-Strokin'-Off!

A giraffe walks into a bar and announces: "High balls on me!"

Q. Why did the sleaze ball at the bowling alley always enter his name as 3 Testicles?
A. So that the monitor will occasionally say, "Congratulations 3 Testicles! You Got a Spare!"

Baseball Umpire Hookup Line: Hey girl, I'd really glove to ball you!

Q. What is even worse than lobsters on your piano?
A. Crabs on your organ!

Brassy Pick-Up Line: Oh baby, you've giving me a real tromboner!

Q. What is a horny guy's favorite rock band to masturbate to?
A. The Strokes.

Musician Hookup Line: Hey girl, wanna go home and see my big organ?

Q. Why do birdies hate Badminton?
A. Being shuttlecocked sounds terrifying!

Q. What is a horny beef lover's favorite song lyric?
A. Is it meat you're looking for?

Did you hear about the guy who died eating Rocky Mountain Oysters? The bull must have dragged him a mile! Yes, the bull was really quite testy.

Q. What is the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
A. Beer nuts are $2.99, but deer nuts are always under a buck.

Q. What do you call a cattle herd that's masturbating?
A. Beef Strokin' Off.

Bullish Pick-Up Line: Hey Bessie, I have a major horn on for you.

Golfer Mishap: I was playing golf and hit two of my best balls. Dang it, I stepped on a rake!

Barely legal police pick-up line: Ever seen a baton this big? How about you cock my gun?Hey Gnirl, it's only Micro when it's Soft!Q. Why did Bach have so many children? A. Because he didn't have a stop on his organ!

A guy walks into a bar. Bartender asks, "How's it going?" Guy replies, "Okay, I guess. Holding my own." "That's good," says the bartender, "You'd get arrested if you held somebody else's."

Q. What do you call an obese weatherman that studies penises?
A. A meaty-urologist.

Q. What did the guy with five penises say about his new underwear?
A. It fits like a glove.

A blonde goes into a bar. Bartender asks her what she'd like and she replies, "Bring me a beer." Bartender asks, "Anheuser-Busch?" Blonde answers, "Fine thanks, and how's your cock?"

Sobering Point to Ponder: If an alchoholic gets whiskey dick, does a heroine user get poppycock?

Q. Why does Donald Trump only get his Viagra from American pharmaceutical sources?
A. Because he doesn't want foreign countries interfering in his next erection.

If you believe the quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach, you're aiming a bit too high.

An elderly man told his doctor he'd like his sex drive lowered. Doc replied, "Sir, at your age, your sex drive is mostly in your head." Man said, "I know. That's why I want it lowered."

The nurse at the sperm bank told a guy to masturbate in the cup. He told her, "I'm good, but I'm not sure I'm ready to compete."

Q. What is it called when your girlfriend gives you a blowjob while you're on the treadmill?
A. The best running gag ever!

Q. Why is sperm white and urine yellow?
A. So that men can tell if they're coming or going!

Brassy Marchng Band Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, I'd like to open my spit valve on you. EW!

Sick Hookup Line: Hey girl, are you a medical professional? 'Cause you just cured my ED.

Q. What's even worse than a sick gopher on your piano?
A. A diseased beaver on your organ!

Q. What do you call an equine that wears condoms?
A. Trojan Horse.

Q. What is the definitive definition of macho?
A. A guy who jogs home after having a vasectomy.

Q. What do doctors slap babies when they're born?
A. To knock the penises off the smart ones.

Pick-Up a Concert Master Line: Hey big guy, are you a violinist? 'Cause I really want to rosin your bow.

Tempo-Right Pick-Up Line: Whoa girl, slow down 'cause you're giving me a real woodwind.

Keyed Up Come-On Line: Hey babe, how'd you like to play my organ?

Brassy Pick-Up Line: Hey big guy, are you a trombone? 'Cause I'd like to blow you in seven different positions.

Hey Gnirl, you should sell hotdogs 'cause you already know how to make a wiener stand!Q. What do you get if you cross a rooster and a telephone pole? A. A long wooden cock that wants to touch somebody!Hey Gnirl, do you play pool? 'Cause I've got the balls and you've got the rack!

A guy was staring at Medusa's boobs when she remarked, "Hey, my eyes are up here." But he was already hard as a rock.

Q. What happened after a guy got a Viagra stuck in his throat?
A. He had a stiff neck for hours.

Q. How is a beer better than a woman?
A. If you pour a beer well, you always get good head.

Q. When is the absolute worst time for a runner to have an erection?
A. During a relay race!

Wildcat Hookup Line: Hey girl, you wanna play lion tamer? Okay, you get on all fours and I'll put my head in your mouth.

Q. What happens when you give a lawyer Viagra?
A. He gets taller.

A guy just found out you can sell sperm to a sperm bank. All these years he'd been letting potential income slip through his fingers.

Fishy Hookup Line: Hey bae, are you a shark? 'Cause I've got some swimmers you might want to swallow.

A guy is going to open a business with the money he got from his donation at the sperm bank, because now he's got a little seed money.

Equine Pick-Up Line: Hay Mare, are you a racehorse? 'Cause when I ride you, you'll always finish first.

Q. What is it called when a rattlesnake can't produce venom?
A. E-reptile dysfunction!

Q. What did the doe say to the 24-point buck?
A. Boy, you're horny!

Giraffe Pick-Up Line: Hey bae, wanna see if what they say about the height of an animal is actually true?

Police Pick-Up Line: Love, if you cock my revolver, it's likely to go off.

Musician Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, this cello isn't the only big wood between my legs.

Q. What do you call a whale that isn't wearing underwear?
A. Free Willy.

Q. Why does the urologist just dread his job some days?
A. Because all his patients are dicks.

Q. What is the difference between orthopedic doctors and urologists?
A. Urologists only work on one bone.

Q. What is the difference between a hematologist and a urologist?
A. One pricks your finger and the other fingers your prick. OUCH!

Q. What's the difference between a podiatrist and an urologist?
A. One is a lot more impressed if you give him a foot.

Q. At the urologist's office, what is a cystoscope?
A. A device with a prick on both ends.

Osteo Pick Up Line: Babe, you've got 206 bones in your body. Want to be exceptional and add one more?

Pick Up a Farmer Line: Hey big guy, is that a phone in your pocket, or is your rooster happy to see me?

Musician Hookup Line: Hey babe, I'll let you play my clarinet, if you're careful not to chip the wood.

Bodybuilder Trainer Pick-Up Line: Hey girl, go ahead and grab my EZ Bar.

Sea Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, wanna hold my eel?

Snaky Pick-Up Line: Hey girl, I hear you like reptiles? I've got one right here called a trouser snake.

Policewoman Pick-Up Line: Are you carrying a concealed weapon, or are you just happy to see me?

Q. How are men like strong coffee?
A. Both leave a bitter taste in your throat when you swallow.

Q. How do you make a pool table laugh?
A. Reach into its pockets and tickle its balls.

Today's Medical Malpractice Groan: Someone told a joke about transgender surgery. Took balls to tell it.

Q. Why did the med student decide to specialize in urology?
A. Because he liked to play with balls.

Q. Why didn't the urology student finish his studies?
A. He couldn't handle the testes.

Q. Why do mice have tiny balls?
A. Because they don't care for dances.

Basketball Player Pick-Up Line: Hey bae, I'm a great ball handler. How 'bout you?

Q. If a bra is called an over the shoulder boulder holder, what do you call men's underwear?
A. Under the butt nut hut!

Sports Point to Ponder: Low wage workers play basketball, tradesmen go bowling, middle managers play softball, and CEOs play golf. So, does that mean the higher you climb, the smaller your balls get?

Q. What do comfy men's underwear and great dance halls have in common?
A. Plenty of ball room.

Gym Pick-Up Line: Are you a high jumper? 'Cause babe, you make my bar go up!

Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, know what I have in common with this new powder? 8 inches.

Q. What do you call a three-foot snake with a Viagra stuck in his throat?
A. A yardstick.

Q. What do you call two polar bears jerking each other off?
A. Bipolar.

Brewed Fact of the Day: In the USA, Moosehead is a beer. In Canada, moosehead is a misdemeanor. Eh, Ew!

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