Q. Why did the pot-bellied pig run off and go to the casino?
A. She wanted to play the slop machines.

Q. Why did Mt. Everest Yetis visit Pike's Peak and then Cripple Creek, Colorado?
A. T-Bet on Bigfoot sightings.

Patient: I feel like a pack of cards.
Cripple Creek Shrink: I see. I'll deal with you later...

Q. Which kind of tomatoes like Vegas?
A. Diced tomatoes.

Q. Why are origami artists such predictable poker players?
A. Because they always fold.

Q. What did the owners of the casino call it when business was on the rise and growing.
A. Bettor and bettor.

Q. What does a Central City gambler like to snack on?
A. Poker chips and salsa.

Q. Why couldn't the crew of the pirate ship play cards?
A. Because ye captian was standing on deck.

Q. Why are pirates bad Rummy players?
A. It's hard to play cards when you're sitting on the deck.

Q. How do you know you've done well at strip poker?
A. You've played your socks off.

Q. When does strip poker get really good?
A. When a player's got a big pair shwing!

Q. What did the guy enjoy after a successful poker game?
A. He celebrated with won dollar bills.

Q. Why do casinos on the strip make so much money?
A. Because that's Loss Vegas!

Q. What does a high-rolling gambler really like to snack on?
A. Poker chips and salsa.

Q. What is every gambler's favorite day of the week?
A. WinsDay.

Patient: Doc, I feel like a race horse.
Urologist: Take one of these every four laps.

Q. Why do most BlackJack players have a spouse?
A. Because marriage is a gamble.

Q. What do you call it when some loser guy has one complaint after another?
A. A Whining Streak!

Q. What should you do if a pickle wants to play poker?
A. Dill 'em in!

Q. Who did Batman take on after conquering the Riddler?
A. Sudoku Man!

Q. What do Coloradans call a hipster in Central City who plays poker well?
A. Chipster.

A guy came home late after his poker game and saw a note on the refrigerator saying, "This isn't working. I'm going to my mother's house." He opened the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold, so he wasn't sure what she was talking about?

Q. Why are orphans so bad at poker?
A. They don't understand what a full house is.

Q. What do you call it when a gambler keeps switching between playing roulette and then blackjack?
A. Vice versa.

Q. Why don't race horses from Colorado wear underwear?
A. Because it rides up on them.

Q. Why is horse racing so romantic?
A. Because the horse hugs the rail, the jockey puts his arms around the horse, and you kiss your money goodbye!

Q. What do you call a race horse that wins a lot money for its owner?
A. A thorough bread winner.

Patient: I feel like a pack of cards.
Shrink: Well, that explains why you jacked-off in the lobby.

Q. What happened after the guy's wife challenged him to a game of strip poker on laundry day?
A. He folded.

Losing Hand of the Day: Did you hear about the gambler who sold his body parts to fund his addiction? Luckily, he quit while he was a head.

Q. Why are the best actors always such good pool players?
A. Because they know their cues.

Q. How do you make a pool table laugh?
A. Reach into its pockets and tickle its balls.

Q. Why did the police arrest the guy who was playing pool?
A. He was picking pockets.

Q. When should you shoot pool with a pickle?
A. Only when you find the cue cumbersome.

Q. What is the name of the perfect place where pool players play peacefully all night long?
A. Cue-Topia.

Q. How can you confirm you're a true Deep Space Nine fan?
A. You've got a pool table in the basement that's modified to play Dom-Jat.

Q. Why did the blonde bring weed and poker chips to the party?
A. She heard it was a pot luck dinner.

Q. What do two gamblers call the gambler who wins?
A. The better bettor.

Q. How did gambling help the loser get back on his feet?
A. He had to sell his car to pay off his debt.

Q. What did the gambling addict name his daughter?
A. Betty.

Q. Why are smart poker players so good at doing laundry?
A. 'Cause they know how to fold.

Guy: It was so brutal when I lost everything due to my gambling.
Buddy: Did your wife leave you, too?
Guy: No, I'm not that lucky...

Poker Player Fact of the Day: Being dealt a royal flush and winning go hand in hand.

Q. What happend to the loser guy who tried living by the adage, If at first you don't succeed, try, try again?
A. Now he's addicted to gambling.

Q. Where do pirates go to play pinball?
A. The aRRcade.

Q. Which vampire always wins at cards?
A. Count Luckula.

Q. Why don't vampires play poker?
A. Because the stakes are too high!

Q. Why shouldn't you ever play poker with zombies?
A. Because they always throw their hands in.

Q. Why don't poker pros have tattoos with words?
A. Because other players could read them like a book.

Q. Why are environmentalists such bad poker players?
A. 'Cause they like to avoid the flush.

The deck used by the poker players was old. So, they all agreed it should be discarded.

Q. Why does the queen of England only play poker on the toilet?
A. Because she's guaranteed a royal flush.

Q. What is a skeleton's favorite board game?
A. Tibial Pursuit.

Q. Why do golfers hate the game Hearts?
A. Because all they ever get are Clubs!

Q. How is marriage like a game of poker?
A. You start out with two hearts and a diamond, and by the end you really want a club and a spade.

Q. What is a landlord's favorite board game?
A. Monopoly.

Q. Which card game did the ancient Egyptian pyramid builders play?
A. Gin Mummy.

Q. What are the rules in gay poker?
A. Queens are wild and straights don't count.

Q. What caused the death of the old blackjack player?
A. He just gambled his life away.

Q. How did the guy learn to play Blackjack so well so quickly?
A. His friend was there aiding and a-betting.

Q. What do you call a group of chess masters bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
A. Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

Q. Why are cowboys so prone to gambling addiction?
A. Because they're always raising the steaks.

Q. Why shouldn't you play poker with a plumber?
A. A good flush beats a full house any day!

Q. What's so great about playing strip poker?
A. Both the stripping and the poking.

Q. Which bet can never be won?
A. The alpha-bet.

Q. In casino card games, what is the least amount players are obligated to bet?
A. Minimum wager.

Q. Which video game is every poet's favorite?
A. Sonnet the Hedgehog.

Q. What is every Star Wars fan's favorite classic video game?
A. Space inVaders.

Q. Why was the video gamer's house haunted by Nintendo characters?
A. Because he fooled around with a Luigi Board.

Q. Why did the Dalai Lama download the latest gambling app?
A. He heard there was a promotion offering a free Tibet.

Q. What do you say when a wager taker complains?
A. That’s the way the bookie grumbles.

Q. Why don't physicists and Bingo players get along?
A. They disagree on the application and existence of a free space.

McCoy to Captain Kirk: Should we have a friendly game of cards?
Kirk: No, let's play poker.

Guy: My wife says she's going to leave me due to my gambling.
Buddy: Wow, really?
Guy: No, I think she's bluffing.

Q. Why did the guy's wife challenge him to a game of strip poker?
A. Because it was laundry day.

Q. How did the poker player compare to his competition?
A. He stacked up well.

Q. Which kind of fish is always gambling?
A. The Card Shark.

Q. Why should you never pla poker with an alligator?
A. 'Cause you'll lose every hand!

Q. Why is it a bad idea to play poker in the jungle?
A. Because there are so many cheetahs there!

Q. Why did Bruce Wayne bow out of the poker game?
A. Because the dealer said the Joker was wild.

Q. What did the orphan poker player say?
A. Will you raise me?

Q. Why are stoners such bad poker players?
A. Because they always smoke up the pot.

Q. How is a casino like a woman?
A. Liquor in the front, poker in the back.

Q. Why are fashion designers bad at playing Uno?
A. 'Cause they always draw a cardigan.

Q. Which board game manufacturer was always doing things in an unsatisfactory manner?
A. Milton Badly.

Q. Which committee makes dishes out of pork, corn meal, that's sliced and fried?
A. A scrapple board.

Q. Why did the blonde in London bring French fries to the poker game?
A. Somebody told her to bring her own chips.

Q. Why do deadbeat dads always want to play poker?
A. So that they can raise anyone without feeling obligated to follow through.

Q. How is the leprechaun who went into rehab to stop gambling?
A. He's a little better now.

Wife: Your gambling is getting completely out of hand!
Husband: Oh yeah? I'll bet you $50 it isn't.

Patient: Can you help me get over my gambling addiction?
Shrink: You bet.
Patient: Yes, that's why I asked...

Q. What is a tell that a poker player is bluffing?
A. His chips are moving.

Q. Do old poker players ever die?
A. No, they just go to pot.

Old poker players never die, but they do cash in their chips.

Q. What do you call the special measurements used to design that popular cube puzzle?
A. Rubic centimeters.

Q. How do you describe a Scrabble player who is down by 100 points?
A. At a loss for words.

Q. What is betting like in heaven?
A. It's a gambler's pair 'o dice!

Salesman Speak Decoded: When a vendor says, "Have I got a deal for you!," it means he's selling cars now instead of working the tables in Vegas.

Q. What do craps players in Vegas eat for dessert?
A. Dice pudding.

Q. What's the difference between praying at church and praying in a casino?
A. In the casino, you really mean it.

Q. Which size bedsheets does a gambler prefer?
A. Double, or nothing.

Q. Why don't old lotto players ever die?
A. Because they're waiting for their number to come up.

Q. What would make the gambler's hotline more popular?
A. Making every tenth caller a winner!

Q. Why did the loan shark's son decide to major in journalism?
A. 'Cause he knew a lot about book reports.

Q. How is gambling like street drugs?
A. The dealer always wins.

Q. How is sex like poker?
A. You want either a good partner or a good hand.

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