Q. Why did the taller fisherman tell better fish stories than his shorter buddy?
A. 'Cause his arms are longer!

Bummer Ski Joke of the Day: After the guy broke his arm skiing, he realized it was all downhill from there.

A Roman walks into a bar, holds two fingers up to the bartender and says, "Five beers please."

Handy Man Tip of the Day: Never hit a guy with glasses. Use your fists instead!

Q. Why did the cops arrest the CEO of the prosthetics company?
A. 'Cause he was involved in arms dealing.

Did you hear about the blonde who learned to play piano by ear? She finally figured out it was easier to use her hands...

Q. Why did the blonde contractor stick her finger in the ink bottle?
A. To get a blue print.

Q. What is it called when you extend your arms toward the church singers?
A. Reaching to the choir.

Q. What did the unhappy guy say after his limb replacement surgery was botched?
A. I'll kill 'em with my bear hand!

Q. How is the guy who lost his right right hand and right leg during the explosion?
A. He's feeling very left out.

Skiing Groan of the Day: Did you hear about the Colorado skier who broke his left arm and left leg in a collision with a SnoCat? He's all right now.

Q. Why do bald men always have holes in their pockets?
A. So they can run their fingers through their hair!

Sign at the Urologist Office: Urine Good Hands.

Q. Which nails do carpenters hate hitting?
A. Fingernails!

Q. What do you call bosses wito sit around all day and play with their thumbs?
A. Twiddle management.

Q. What kind of appetizers do zombies like at Halloween parties?
A. Finger foods.

Q. What is the difference between a hematologist and a urologist?
A. A hematologist pricks your finger. OUCH!

Medical Exam Groan of the Day: The proctologist gave the patient two thumbs up, which he did not appreciate.

Q. What do you get if you cross a sheep and an octopus?
A. A sweater with eight arms.

Q. What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs out in the swimming pool?
A. Bob.

Q. Which arm exercises are best for a swimmer in training?
A. Pool-ups!

Q. Why do soccer players have a hard time eating pizza?
A. They think they can't use their hands.

Q. How do you catch fish without a fishing rod?
A. Just use your bear hands!

Q. Why was the amputee such a bad singer?
A. 'Cause he couldn't hold a note or carry a tune.

Q. How did the party boy figure out that he's allergic to vodka?
A. Every time he drank it, he broke out in handcuffs.

Orthopedic Tip of the Day: Looking for something to tickle her funny bone? Just make a couple of humerus witticisms!

Q. Where do zombies with no arms and no legs play their championship baseball game?
A. Wrigley Field.

Q. Why did the redneck bodybuilder wear a sleeveless shirt to the gym?
A. To exercise his right to bear arms.

Patient: Doc, do you always extract teeth painlessly?
Dentist: Frankly, No. Last month I dislocated my wrist.

A guy just found out you can sell sperm to a sperm bank. All these years he'd been letting potential income slip through his fingers.

Q. If a blonde camper in Pike National Forest has three tents in one hand and six sleeping bags in the other, what does she have?
A. Big hands. Duh!

Q. What did the blonde say after losing the breaststroke swimming event?
A. She got mad and accused the other swimmers of cheating 'cause they used their hands!

Q. How can you tell if an ambidextrous baseball player is bisexual as well?
A. He swings both ways.

Ballpark Point to Ponder: Is softball slier than baseball? 'Cause the tactics seem so underhanded.

Q. What did the blonde leave the Broncos tailgating party crying?
A. Because they ran out of Coors Light in left-handed cans.

Trumpet players do it with three fingers. Tuba players do it with four fingers. But, trombonists do it in seven positions.

Q. Why did the proctologist always use two fingers?
A. In case the patient wants a second opinion.

Q. Why did the blonde skier cut a hole near the top of her boyfriend's ski parka?
A. She wanted to give him the cold shoulder.

Q. What do you call a deer that can write with both hands?
A. Bambi-dextrous.

Q. What is the range of a tuba?
A. Twenty feet, if you've got a good arm.

Q. How do you get a trombone to sound like a French horn?
A. Stick your hand into the bell and mess up all the notes.

Q. Why are brass players so good in bed?
A. Because they know how to tongue, finger, and blow.

Q. What happened after the dummy robbed a bank?
A. Police are questioning a ventriloquist who may have had a hand in it.

A guy woke up after surgery and screamed, "Doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know, we had to amputate your arms."

Q. Why did the burglar wear blue latex gloves?
A. He didn't want to be caught redhanded!

Q. Who wrote the handy handbook, How to Fix Up Your House?
A. Han D. Mann.

Did you hear about the Colorado mountain climber who broke his left arm and left leg? He's all right now.

Q. Why are rock band's members all such perverts?
A. Because the drummer sits in back beating it, the guitarist is fingering minors, the basist is slapping it around and they all like the pianist.

Q. What did the CSI team find in the clean nose?
A. Fingerprints.

Q. How can you tell when a guitarist is out of tune?
A. His hands are moving.

Wound Up Come-On Line: Hi baby, I'd sure like to finger your fret board.

Q. What do you call a drummer with no arms and no legs?
A. A head banger. OUCH!

Q. What did the criminal skeleton use to mug people?
A. A shoulder blade.

Q. What can you get at the drug store to fix up your fingernails?
A. Pharma-cuticles.

Strings Pick-Up Line: Hey there, my bowing arm is getting sore 'cause you continue to make me tremol.

Q. What is an Emo kid's favorite musical instrument?
A. The forearm violin. Wah.

Wine Lover's Word of the Day: I have joy in my heart and a glass of wine in my hand. A coincidence? I think not.

Q. How does a Grizzly catch a fish without a fishing rod?
A. With his bear hands.

Q. Why wasn't the blonde afraid of snakes?
A. Because they're completely armless. DUH!

Q. Why are brass players so good in bed?
A. Because they know how to tongue, finger, and blow.

Q. Which shoulder exercise do employees do at the candy factory?
A. The peppermint twist.

Key Note Pick-Up Line: Hey big guy, did you know that flute players have incredible finger dexterity?

Stringy Pick-Up Line: Hey girl, this bass fiddle isn't the only thing I'm good at fingering.

Q. Why did the bank robber shoot the man with no arms?
A. Because he told the man to put his hands up… OUCH!

Q. Why is a traffic cop the strongest man in the world?
A. Because he can hold up a 10-Ton truck with his hand.

Q. How did the pianist hide the soreness in her right hand during the concert?
A. She played it low key.

High Key Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, you know, pianists do it with ten fingers.

Q. Which type of clock is best if you don't like time on your hands?
A. A pocket watch!

Q. What does the second hand say to the hour hand as it passes by?
A. Hey, see you again in a minute!

Q. Why couldn't the clock work alone?
A. It needed a hand.

Q. What did the robber say to the clock?
A. Hands Up!

Haute Couture Point to Ponder: Have current fashion trends given women the cold shoulder?

Q. What sort of gossip does one clock tell another clock?
A. Second hand information.

Doctor: You're in perfect health and your pulse is as regular as clock work.
Patient: That's because your hand was on my wristwatch.

Q. Why was the guy whose right hand was on fire worried about getting arrested?
A. He didn't want to get caught for illegal possesion of a fire arm.

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