Q. What kind of pencil does a mathematician use to work out his constipation?
A. A No. 2.

Have you seen the new movie, Constipated? Oh, wait – It's not out yet...

Shitty Pun of the Day: Constipation jokes may not be your favorite, but they're certainly a solid number two.

People who tell you that they're constipated are full of crap.

Q. What did the proctologist say to the patient who swallowed Scrabble tiles?
A. Don't worry. You'll have a vowel movement soon.

Q. What makes constipated people so darned rude?
A. They just can't give a crap.

Q. How do you know the pills you took for constipation are not working?
A. Because they didn't do shit!

Q. Why isn't there a National Constipation Day?
A. Because nobody gives a shit.

Patient: I'm extremely constipated and haven't had a bowel movemen in weeks!
Proctologist: No shit?

I need to poop so bad that I have a lump in my throat!

Did you hear about the depressed proctologist? He's been feeling rather down in the dumps.

Q. Why couldn't the patient visit the new site constipation.ugh?
A. Because he was blocked!

Did you hear there's a new constipation joke at PainfulPuns? Yeah, we're still waiting for it to come out...

Q. Why did the proctologist quit his job?
A. Because he was tired of being the butt of all these shitty jokes.

Sh*tty Pick-Up Line: You're stuck in my head, like mental constipation.

Q. What happened when the guy registered at a website for constipation sufferers?
A. It wouldn't let him log out!

Q. Which was the first professional to go all digital?
A. Proctologist!

Shitty Point to Ponder: Can you die from constipation? I'm a little concerned, considering how full of sh*t some people are.

Q. What is the worst thing about being constipated?
A. Nobody gives a shit that you can't!

Q. What did the proctologist say to the pirate?
A. Show me your booty.

Q. Why is constipation such a big problem?
A. Because if you ignore that shit, it becomes a real pain in the ass.

Understatement of the Day: Constipation can be a serious problem. No Shit!

Q. What happens if your doctor diagnoses you with both anxiety and constipation?
A. You worry shitless.

A proctologist walks into a bar at the end of the day. Before he takes a seat, he examines the stool.

Q. Why did the apathetic old man hope he'd finally die of constipation?
A. So that people would know he didn't give a shit, all the way to the bitter end.

Did you hear about the psychiatrist and proctologist who opened a practice together? They call it Odds and Ends.

Q. Why would a proctologist make a great astronaut?
A. Because he knows his way around Uranus.

Q. Why did the contestant miss the word constipation at the spelling bee?
A. Because that shit was harder than he'd thought.

Q. Why should you never trust anyone with constipation?
A. Because they really are full of shit.

Shitty Joke of the Day: Constipation is no laughing matter.

I've just seen the video of my colonoscopy. The picture was crap. Thank goodness, there was no audio.

Doctor Assman Quote of the Day: No ifs, ands, or butts about it.

Q. What do you call a Jamaican proctologist?
A. Pokemon.

Q. Do old proctologists ever die?
A. No, they just butt out.

Q. What did the doctor say about using medical marijuana for constipation?
A. He said, "Shit, or get off the pot."

Q. Why does the proctologist have PTSD?
A. Because he's truly seen some shit.

Q. How does a computer programmer deal with constipation?
A. He just downloads a log.

Q. Why did the guy fire his proctologist?
A. Because he was a crap doctor.

Q. How do you know if you're butt ugly?
A. A proctologist stuck his finger in your mouth.

Q. What do doctors and plumbers have in common?
A. They both bury their mistakes.

Did you hear about the constipated gymnast? She had problems with her last movement.

Q. What do you call it when you're diagnosed with paranoia and constipation?
A. Scared Shitless!

Q. Do you want to play the new board game, Constipation?
A. Sorry, it's not out yet.

Q. What is so shitty about constipation?
A. Nothing!

Q. What is a proctologist's favorite money quip?
A. Bet your bottom dollar.

Medical Exam Groan of the Day: The proctologist gave the patient two thumbs up, which he did not appreciate.

Q. What did the doctor prescribe for the guy who was all stressed out about his chronic constipation?
A. A relaxative.

Q. Why didn't the proctologist tell his patient all about his new prescription?
A. Because it was going to be a surprise-atory.

Q. How did the math teacher solve a constipation problem?
A. He worked it out with a pencil. And, it turned out to be a natural log.

As a trainee proctologist, I had to work my way up from the bottom.

A guy accidentally butt dialed his proctologist. The doctor said he was getting tired of that shitty joke.

Q. Are constipation jokes funny?
A. Shit NO!

Q. What does a superstitious man say to prevent constipation when he sees a stray cat?
A. Skat!

Q. Why wasn't the guy looking for the best constipation medicine?
A. Because he knew #2 would do.

Q. What did the constipated guy say to the stubborn stool?
A. You may think you're the shit, but to me you're just a turd waiting to be flushed.

A doctor mistakenly prescribed his patient a laxative instead of cough medicine. When the guy went back in for a followup visit, the doctor asked, "Well, are you still coughing? The patient replied, "No, I'm afraid to."

Q. Why did the constipated leprechaun go to the doctor?
A. He could only fart rainbows.

Q. Where is the first case of constipation mentioned in the Bible?
A. In Kings, where it's stated that David sat on the throne for forty years.

Q. Which brand of OTC medication should you take if your butt hurts?
A. Ass-Pirin.

Q. What kinds of dogs did the superstitious guy get to prevent future constipation?
A. A Shih Tzu and a Poodle.

Q. Why did the constipated thief steal everything in the toy store excpt for one Teddy bear?
A. 'Cause he couldn't take a Pooh.

Q. What is the difference between a psychologist and a proctologist?
A. Psychologists analyze, but proctologists anal-ize.

Q. Why can't proctologists get out of debt?
A. Because they're always in arrears.

Push the button, pull the chain, and out comes a chocolate choo-choo train. And, say bye bye to constipation!

Q. What did the grumpy old man do about his constipation?
A. Nothing. He just stopped giving a shit.

Q. What is the German term for constipation?
A. Farfrompoopin.

Q. Why did the guy decide to find a different proctologist?
A. Because this one makes him feel like some random asshole.

When it comes to recycling toilet paper, you really need to process the crap out of it!

Or your colon...

Q. What kind of car did the superstitious man get to prevent constipation?
A. A BMW.

Q. How is working in a dead end job just like constipation?
A. Because you just don't give a shit!

Q. How do you describe a jocular proctologist?
A. Pun Gent!

Q. What did the Jedi Knight say to the proctologist?
A. Those aren't the roids you're looking for.

Q. Why did the proctologist always use two fingers?
A. In case the patient wants a second opinion.

Q. What is it called when a proctologist gives her sister an exam?
A. Analysis.

Q. Why shouldn't you ever to shopping for furniture with a constipated man?
A. 'Cause he can never pass a stool.

Q. How does the active ingredient in a suppository medication get absorbed by the body?
A. Ass-mosis.

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