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Q. What do you call a donkey on steroids? A. An ass-teroid!
Holistic Elf Doctor is a Gnome-EOPATH.
Doctors say there are millions of overweight people. Of course, those are only round figures.

Gnoe Doubt, Steroids Are Bad!
Q. What do you say to a pickle tht's freaking out? A. Just dill out!
Just Say Gnome to Steroids!

 


Pharmacist Jokes, Prescription Puns, Drug Humor
Viral pharmaceutical jokes, sick medicated humor, and druggy puns are the cure – for what?

Medication Jokes, Pharma Humor, Dopey Puns
(Because Pill Jokes, Vaccinated Puns, and Magic Bullets Could Never Be TOO Mainstream If You're a Pharmacist!)
Warning: Proceed Cautiously! Dope humor, prescription laughs, drug jokes and doped up pharmacy puns ahead.
| Sick Medical Jokes, Hospital Puns, and Healthy Humor | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 |
| Doctor Jokes and Sick Puns | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | Dentist Jokes & Toothy Grins | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
| Surgeon Jokes | Urologist Jokes | Constipation Jokes | Diarrhea Jokes | Blood Jokes | 2 |
| Dopey Pharmaceutical Jokes | Futuristic Medical Jokes | Sci-Fi Doctor Jokes | Dr. Who Jokes |
| Eye Doctor Jokes and Optometrist Humor | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | Eye Puns | Sick Pick-Up Lines |
| Optometry Jokes | Ophthalmology Jokes | Optician Puns | Glasses Jokes, Eyewear Spectacles |
| Shrink Humor, Psychiatrist Jokes, Insanely Crazy Puns | Brainy Puns and Cerebral Jokes | 2 |

Q. Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? A. he didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!Q. What do you call a pickle doctor? A. A dill pusher!Why did a Buddhist refuse Novacain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Q. What do you call somebody who stops taking useless prescription drugs?
A. A medicine dropper.

Q. How do you describe the shady pharmaceutical executive's exorbitant profits?
A. Ill-gotten gains.

Q. Why did the actor in the prescription drug commercials cross the road?
A. To get the the other side effects.

Q. Why shouldn't you store medications and prescriptions directly under the roof?
A. To avoid becoming a drug attic.

Q. What do police call a perp who robs the local drug store?
A. A pillager.

Q. What do you call a pharmacy that only sells trendy medications?
A. Hype-othecary.

Q. Which anti-anxiety drug is manufactured in Southern California?
A. San Fernando Valium.

Q. Why didn't the guy have to take Viagra after visiting the haunted house?
A. 'Cause he was already scared stiff!

Poor guy was in the hospital with 60% burns. Doc says, "Give him two Viagra." Nurse asks, "Do you think that will help?" Doc replies, "No, but it will keep the sheets off his legs!"

Q. What happened when the guy mixed up his depression medication with Viagra?
A. No matter how he tried, everything just kept getting harder and harder.

Overdose Groan of the Day: I accidentally took my cat's meds today. No, please don't ask meow I'm doing!

Doped Up Pick-Up Line: Hey girl, are you Morphine? 'Cause you take my pain away.

Q. Why was Alexander Fleming the first to discover antibiotics back in 1928?
A. Because he was so cure-ious.

Q. Which brand of OTC medication should you take if your butt hurts?
A. Ass-Pirin.

Q. How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. They'd rather just prescribe Prozac.

Q. Why did the Mexican guy take anti-anxiety medication?
A. For Hispanic attacks.

Patient: Will this ointment clear up my spots?
Pharmacist: Well, I never make rash promises.

Q. What happened after a truckload of Viagra was stolen?
A. Police are still on the lookout for hardened criminals.

Sick Pick-Up Line: You got an inhaler? 'Cause I heard you got dat ass ma!Q. What did teh alien doctor say to the space ship? A. Time to get your booster shot!You are obviously suffering a lack of Vitamin Me!

Q. What do you call a vampire with asthma?
A. Vlad the inhaler.

Q. Why did Dracula take cold medication?
A. It was for his coffin.

Medicinal Fact of the Day: When you try a new cough syrup, you have no idea what to expectorate.

Q. Why do baristas take throat lozenges?
A. Because they get coffee.

Sick Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, do you need a love doctor? 'Cause I have a medicated degree.

Patient: If I give up sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll, will I live longer?
Doctor: No, it'll just seem longer.

Pharmacist Translation of the Day: A doctor wrote a guy a prescription for daily sex, but his girlfriend insists that it says for dyslexia.

Q. What did the guy call it when he dropped his ED drugs?
A. Viagra Falls.

Q. What did researchers do when the hypodermic needle was perfected?
A. They gave it a shot.

Doctor walks into a bank full of anti-vaxxers. With a syringe in hand, he says, "Gimme all the money and nobody gets shot!"

Q. Why was the doctor shouting, "Tetanus, Measles, Mumps, Flu?"
A. Because he was calling the shots.

Today's Medicated Trivia: Statistically speaking, 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.

Q. What do you call a group of unvaccinated children?
A. A graveyard.

A doctor, a nurse, and a mother walk into a bar. The doctor says, "Give me a shot of Scotch." The nurse says, "Give me a shot of Tequila." The mom says, "I don't do shots," and falls over dead from the measles.

Patient: I feel like a needle.
Psychiatrist: Yes, eye do see your point.

Q. Which OTC medication causes people to steal it from the pharmacy?
A. Klepto-Bismol.

Q. How do you describe the flavor of that pink upset stomach medicine?
A. Pept-abysmal.

Q. What does a ghost take when it suffers from acid reflux?
A. Phan-Tums.

Q. What do you call a pharmacy that may or may not exist?
A. An hypothecary.

Medicated Point to Ponder: If a blonde goes upstairs to get her meds, does that mean she's coming down with something?

Q. What happened when the blonde left her ADHD medication in her Ford Fiesta?
A. It turned into a Ford Focus.

Q. Why did the blonde always trim the ends off of her ADHD pills?
A. To avoid side effects.

A book never written: Pain Management by Nova CaneApe says: I bought a pair of hiking boots in Colorado from a drug dealer! I'm not sure what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day!Q. Does an apple a day keep the doctor away? A. Only if your aim is good!

There is a new sign on the lawn at the drug rehab center that reads: Please, Keep Off the Grass.

Q. Why don't doctors every go on strike?
A. Because nobody, other than a pharmacist, could read their picket signs.

Q. When was medication first mentioned in the Bible?
A. When God told Moses to take two tablets.

Q. Which kind of medication makes you look down?
A. Eye drops.

Q. Who wrote the self-help book, One Way To Deal With Stress?
A. Val E. Umm.

Q. Why was the guy fired from the pharmacy?
A. Because drug-free workplace and free drug workplace are not the same thing.

Q. What did the pharmacist say about his new job at the drug store?
A. The pay isn't great, but the Percs are amazing.

Q. What can you get at the drug store to fix up your fingernails?
A. Pharma-cuticles.

Q. What is it called when a drug dealer samples his merchandise?
A. A business trip.

Q. What do customers call the fastest drug dealer in town?
A. Instagram.

Q. What is the specialty of the French drug dealer?
A. Oui-d.

Q. Which dog breed is the favorite of drug dealers?
A. A Meth Lab.

Q. What do you call an alligator drug addict?
A. A crackodile.

Q. What do you call a loon that's a drug addict?
A. A quack head.

Q. Which subject do speed cookers exel at in school?
A. Methamatics, not spelling or typing.

Q. What do you call the security guard at the hospital pharmacy?
A. The Fentanyl Sentinel.

Q. Why is it so hard for computer programmers to get a prescription for pain killers?
A. Because they have a history of codeine.

Q. What is a pharmacist?
A. A person who makes their living in agriculture.

Medicine Cabinet Point to Ponder: Why isn't thyme used in medicine? After all, thyme heals all wounds.

Q. Why did the tractor sell medicines?
A. Because it was a farm-assist.

Q. What is a duck's drug of choice?
A. Quack.

Q. Why did the banana need to be medicated?
A. Because it wasn't peeling well.

The saying "There's more pleasure in giving than receiving" mostly applies to advice – and medicine.

Q. Which medication is lauded for being a murderer?
A. A pain killer.

Q. Which topical medication do new adult film stars use?
A. Neosporn.

Q. How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Take two aspirins and call in the morning...

Hey Gnirl, do you need a Band-aid? 'Cause falling from heaven must hurt!Gym Joke: My struggle with steroids has only made me stronger!Q. What vaccination does Santa get before Christmas eve? A. Shingles!

Pharmacy Chat Up Line: Hey babe, do you have an Ace bandage? 'Cause when you walked by, I got weak in the knees.

Q. What is the pharmaceutical name for the drug, Viagra?
A. MyCocksaFloppin.

Q. Why does Donald Trump only get his Viagra from American pharmaceutical sources?
A. Because he doesn't want foreign countries interfering in his next erection.

Q. What happened after Grandpa got a prescription for Viagra?
A. Grandma's taking it pretty hard...

Doctor: Why did you take your meds before the prescribed time?
Blonde Patient: Because I wanted to surprise the bacteria.

Drugged Up Post Op Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, you get my heart racing like an epinehrine drip!

Q. What does a cowboy drug addict say before using heroin?
A. I am rootin', tootin', and ready for shootin'.

Q. Why are big pharma chemists considered studs?
A. Because they know how to make a fun-gal cream.

Q. Why didn't the proctologist tell his patient all about his new prescription?
A. Because it was going to be a surprise-atory.

A doctor mistakenly prescribed his patient a laxative instead of cough medicine. When the guy went back in for a followup visit, the doctor asked, "Well, are you still coughing? The patient replied, "No, I'm afraid to."

Q. How does the active ingredient in a suppository medication get absorbed by the body?
A. Ass-mosis.

Q. Which diarrhea medication are physicians most hesitant to prescribe?
A. Gonorrhea.

Patient: I think I swallowed a pillow.
Doctor: I see. How do you feel?
Patient: A little down in the mouth.

Pick Up a Paramedic Line: Hey big guy, is that an epi-pen in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

Q. Who gives out oral hygiene gifts at Christmas time?
A. Santa Floss!

Q. Which relative is likely to be taking medication for Schizophrenia?
A. Aunty Psychotic.

Q. How does a queen ant keep all the workers happy?
A. She medicates them with ant-i-depressant drugs.

Q. What is a pharmacist?
A. Someone who deals in green meds.

Q. Which medication does a lisping snake take before giving a presentation?
A. Anti-hiss-tamines.

Dopey Drug Precaution of the Day: The label on the Parkinson's medication read, "Shake well before use."

Q. Which pharmaceutical opiate drug is preferred by software engineers?
A. Codeine.

Q. Which drug request causes the most elopements?
A. Marry-Wanna?

| Doctor Jokes and Nurse Puns | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | Germ Jokes | Dentist Jokes | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
| Surgeon Jokes | Urologist Jokes | Constipation Jokes | Diarrhea Jokes | Blood Jokes | 2 |
| Dopey Pharmaceutical Jokes | Futuristic Medical Jokes | Sci-Fi Doctor Jokes | Dr. Who Jokes |
| Eye Doctor Jokes and Optometrist Humor | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | Eye Puns | Sick Pick-Up Lines |
| Optometry Jokes | Ophthalmology Jokes | Optician Puns | Glasses Jokes, Eyewear Spectacles |
| Sick Medical Jokes, Healthy Hospital Puns | Shrink Humor, Psychiatrist Jokes | Brain Jokes | 2 |
| Human Anatomy Jokes | Body Jokes | Inner Body Puns, Back Jokes | Butt Jokes | Heart Humor |
| Male Body Jokes, Viagra Jokes | Female Body Jokes | Hand Jokes, Finger Puns, Arm Humor |
| Head Humor | Face Jokes | Ear Jokes, Nose Puns, Throat Humor | Leg Jokes | Foot Jokes |


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