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Hospital
Jokes, Doctor Puns, Healthy Laughs
Take
two medical puns, viral humor, and bloody funny jokes and call the doctor
in the morning.
Funny
Doctor Jokes, Hospital Humor, Sick Puns
('Cause Bloody Funny Puns and
Healthy Laughs Could Never Be TOO Mainstream When
You're Waiting at the ER!) |
Warning:
Proceed with Caution! Hospital humor, contagious laughter, sick
jokes, and X-ray-ted puns ahead.
|
Doctor
Jokes, Nurse Puns | 2 | 3
| 4 | 5
| 6 | 7
| Germ Jokes | Sick
Come-Ons | Dentist Puns |
| Surgeon Jokes | Eye
Doctor Jokes | Eye Puns |
Dopey Pharmaceutical Jokes | Blood
Jokes |
| Psychiatrist Jokes | Optometry
Jokes | Ophthalmology Jokes
| Optician Puns | Glasses
Jokes |
| Futuristic Medical Jokes | Urologist
LOLs | Constipation Jokes
| Diarrhea Puns | Brain
Jokes |
Q.
Why are surgeons bad in relationships?
A. 'Cause they know everybody is the same inside.
Q.
How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. They'd rather wait for a suitable donor and do
a filament transplant at that time.
Q.
What did one tonsil say to the other?
A. We'd better get dressed up because the doctor is taking
us out tonight.
Q.
What is a wry doctor's definition of tumor?
A. An extra pair. |
Q.
Why did the pony go to the doctor?
A. Because he was a little hoarse.
Q.
What do they say about horse surgeons?
A. They have stable hands.
Did
you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
Doctors report he's all right now!
Patient:
I keep seeing an insect spinning.
Eye Doctor: Don't worry, that's just a small bug that's
going around.
Pick
Up an ER Doc Line: Hey big guy, is that an epi-pen in
your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
|
Q.
What did the man ask the x-ray technician at the doctor's
office after swallowing some money?
A. Do you see any change in me?
Q.
What is a comedian doctor's definition of pelvis?
A. The second cousin of Elvis.
Q.
How can Dr. Frankenstein tell if a vampire is sick?
A. He's coffin.
Q.
Why did the skeleton in med school turn down the chance
to be a surgeon?
A. 'Cause he didn't have the stomach for it. |
A man walks into the doctor's office with a carrot up his
nose, celery in one ear and a banana in the other. He asks,
"What's the matter with me?" The doctor replies,
"You aren't eating properly."
Patient:
I think my butt is broken.
Doctor: No, every butt has a crack.
Q.
What is a GI Series?
A. The championship games of military baseball players.
Post
Op Doctor Pick Up Line:
Hot nurse, ICU in my dreams! |
Q.
How did the blonde feel when the plastic surgeon said she
didn't need a butt reduction?
A. She was pretty bummed out.
Q.
How did the blonde nurse define artery?
A. The study of fine paintings.
Doctor:
Did you take that fellow's temperature?
Blonde Nurse: No. Is it missing again?
Q.
Why was the ER nurse demoted?
A. For being absent without gauze. |
Q.
What did the patient ask his doctor during the colonoscopy?
A. Could you please write me a note for my wife saying that
my head is not up there?
Doctor
Assman Quote of the Day: No ifs, ands, or butts about
it.
Proctology
Point to Ponder: If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea,
does that mean the other one enjoys it?
Q.
How are enemas and divorces alike?
A. At first, they're both pretty crappy, but in the end,
they feel pretty good! |
Medical
Break-Through of the Day: I told the doctor I broke my leg
in two places. He told me to stop going to those places...
Q.
How does an author doctor define a coma?
A. The longest punctuation mark.
Q.
How many '60s TV doctors does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A. Just two, but it takes a whole team of prop guys to build
a bulb big enough.
Q.
How did Galen define a seizure?
A. As Roman emperor, Marcus Aurelius. |
When
the nurse at your doctor's office tells you to change into
one of those skimpy paper gowns, you know the end is in
sight.
Q.
What is a terminal illness to your doctor?
A. Getting sick at the airport.
Q.
Why do proc docs avoid barium enemas?
A. Because that's what they have to do, in the end, when
the patient dies.
Q.
How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. It depends on whether or not the bulb has health insurance.
|
Q.
What do you call a bright student doctor studying to be
an ophthalmologist?
A. A good pupil.
Patient:
Doc, whenever I drink juice, I get a pain in my eye.
Doctor: Try taking the straw first.
Blind
Laugh of the Day: I had an appointment with an eye doctor
today, but something came up and I couldn't see him.
Q.
How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. They just say the bulb's condition will turn
around. |
A
veterinary doctor and taxidermist went into business together.
Their slogan is: Either Way, You Get Your Pet Back.
Q.
Why did the sheep go to the doctor?
A. Because it was feeling really baaad.
Q.
Why was a duck arguing with the plastic surgeon?
A. Because he wanted to have his bill reduced.
Patient:
Do you think cranberries are healthy?
Doctor: I've never treated a sick one.
Q.
How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Just one, but she doesn't have an open appointment unil
next Thursday. |
Nurse
Notes: Patient had waffles for breakfast and bulimia for
dinner.
Q.
When should you take a cookie to the doctor?
A. When it feels crummy.
Q.
How many general practioners does it take to change a light
bulb?
A. None. After your initial office visit, you'll get a referral
to a specialist.
Q.
Why don't doctors every go on strike?
A. Because nobody, other than a pharmacist, could read their
picket signs.
Q.
What is the doctor's diagnose for when you start to write
a poem, but start to itch and sneeze?
A. An elegy attack.
|
When
an elderly man went to see his doctor, he was told that
he'd have to give up half his sex life. The old man asked,
"Which half? Thinking about it, or dreaming about it?"
Q.
How many highly educated doctors does it take to change
a lightbulb?
A. None. They have to be smart enough to know that light
bulb is two words just to get into medical school.
Patient:
Doctor, you've got to help me. I think I'm a kleptomaniac.
Doctor: Don't worry. There's something you can take for
that!
Patient:
My sister treats me like Lucy treats Linus.
Psychiatrist : Hmm. Sounds like a Peanuts analogy.
|
|
Doctor Jokes and Nurse Puns | 2
| 3 | 4
| 5 | 6
| 7 | Germ
Jokes | Dentist Jokes | 2
| 3 | 4
| 5 |
| Surgeon Jokes | Urologist
Jokes | Constipation Jokes
| Diarrhea Jokes | Blood
Jokes | 2 |
| How Many Doctors Does It Take To
Change a Light Bulb? | Sick Medical Jokes,
Hospital Humor |
| Shrink Jokes, Psychiatrist Jokes, Crazy
Funny | Addict Jokes, Rehab Puns
| Brain Jokes | 2
|
| Dopey Pharmaceutical Jokes | Futuristic
Medical Jokes | Sci-Fi Doctor Jokes
| Dr. Who Jokes |
| Eye Doctor Jokes and Optometrist Humor
| 2 | 3
| 4 | 5
| 6 | Eye
Puns | Sick Pick-Up Lines |
| Optometry Jokes | Ophthalmology
Jokes | Optician Puns | Glasses
Jokes | Old MDs Never Die |
| Body Jokes | Human
Anatomy Jokes | Inner Body Puns,
Back Jokes | Butt Jokes | Heart
Humor |
| Male Body Jokes, Viagra Jokes | Female
Body Jokes | Chest Jokes, Pec Puns,
Breast Humor |
| Head Humor | Face
Jokes | Ear Puns | Nose
Jokes | Neck Puns | Ear,
Nose, Throat Humor |
| Mouth Jokes | Hand
Jokes, Finger Puns, Arm Humor | Leg
Jokes | Foot Jokes | Belly
Laughs |
You're still in the waiting
room, so here's more communicable
laughter,
sickening humor, viral
jokes and bloody funny painful
puns to sneeze at:
|
More
Painful Puns, Groaner Jokes, and Unanswered Riddles...
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Bartender Jokes | Cannabis
Puns | Cemetery Jokes |
Chef Jokes | Daily
Groans | Diet Puns | Horse
Humor |
| Gym Jokes | Lawyer
Jokes | Lost In Space Jokes
| Magic Jokes | Money
Groans | Music Puns | Psychic
Jokes |
| Religion Jokes | Sci-Fi
Jokes | Seasonal Puns | Spock
Jokes | Sports Jokes | Undead
Jokes | Vampire Puns |
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