What's the worst skin disease you can get at Christmas time? A. Excemas!   PainfulPuns.com - Sick Puns, Doctor Jokes, Healthy Humor

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Q. How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? A. None. the bulb will change itself when it's ready!
Q. What do vampires take when they're sick? A. Coffin Drops!
Q. What Do You Call Two People in an Ambulance? A. Pair of Medics
Sick Pick-Up Line: Hey Gnirl, I hope you know CPR 'cause you're taking my breath away!

 


Hospital Jokes, Doctor Puns, Healthy Laughs
Take two medical puns, viral humor, and bloody funny jokes and call the doctor in the morning.

Funny Doctor Jokes, Hospital Humor, Sick Puns
('Cause Bloody Funny Puns and Healthy Laughs Could Never Be TOO Mainstream When You're Waiting at the ER!)
Warning: Proceed with Caution! Hospital humor, contagious laughter, sick jokes, and X-ray-ted puns ahead.
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Doctor Jokes and Nurse Puns | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | Germ Jokes | Dentist Jokes | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
| Surgeon Jokes | Urologist Jokes | Constipation Jokes | Diarrhea Jokes | Blood Jokes | 2 |
| Dopey Pharmaceutical Jokes | Futuristic Medical Jokes | Sci-Fi Doctor Jokes | Dr. Who Jokes |
| Eye Doctor Jokes and Optometrist Humor | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | Eye Puns | Sick Pick-Up Lines |
| Optometry Jokes | Ophthalmology Jokes | Optician Puns | Glasses Jokes, Eyewear Spectacles |
| Shrink Humor, Psychiatrist Jokes, Insanely Crazy Puns | Brainy Puns and Cerebral Jokes | 2
|
Two surgeons were joking about sutures and had each other in stitches.Did you hear about the guy who was hospitalized with six plastic horses inside him? Doctors say his condition is stable!Q. How does a spinal cord hammer a nail into the wall? A. with a spinal tap!

Q. Why are surgeons bad in relationships?
A. 'Cause they know everybody is the same inside.

Q. How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. They'd rather wait for a suitable donor and do a filament transplant at that time.

Q. What did one tonsil say to the other?
A. We'd better get dressed up because the doctor is taking us out tonight.

Q. What is a wry doctor's definition of tumor?
A. An extra pair.

Q. Why did the pony go to the doctor?
A. Because he was a little hoarse.

Q. What do they say about horse surgeons?
A. They have stable hands.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? Doctors replort he's all right now!

Patient: I keep seeing an insect spinning.
Eye Doctor: Don't worry, that's just a small bug that's going around.

Pick Up an ER Doc Line: Hey big guy, is that an epi-pen in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

Q. What did the man ask the x-ray technician at the doctor's office after swallowing some money?
A. Do you see any change in me?

Q. What is a comedian doctor's definition of pelvis?
A. The second cousin of Elvis.

Q. How can Dr. Frankenstein tell if a vampire is sick?
A. He's coffin.

Q. Why did the skeleton in med school turn down the chance to be a surgeon?
A. 'Cause he didn't have the stomach for it.

Q. Where are neurons jailed if they commit a crime? A. A nerve cell!Q. What is the blood type of happy people? A. B Positive!Proctologists reASSure patients their problem can be rectified. (Ouch!)

A man walks into the doctor's office with a carrot up his nose, celery in one ear and a banana in the other. He asks, "What's the matter with me?" The doctor replies, "You aren't eating properly."

Patient: I think my butt is broken.
Doctor: No, every butt has a crack.

Q. What is a GI Series?
A. The championship games of military baseball players.

Post Op Doctor Pick Up Line: Hot nurse, ICU in my dreams!

Q. How did the blonde feel when the plastic surgeon said she didn't need a butt reduction?
A. She was pretty bummed out.

Q. How did the blonde nurse define artery?
A. The study of fine paintings.

Doctor: Did you take that fellow's temperature?
Blonde Nurse: No. Is it missing again?

Q. Why was the ER nurse demoted?
A. For being absent without gauze.

Q. What did the patient ask his doctor during the colonoscopy?
A. Could you please write me a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?

Doctor Assman Quote of the Day: No ifs, ands, or butts about it.

Proctology Point to Ponder: If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean the other one enjoys it?

Q. How are enemas and divorces alike?
A. At first, they're both pretty crappy, but in the end, they feel pretty good!

Spock: It is illogical to be lost in space. Smith: I'm a doctor, not a space explorer!I used to be a doctor, but then I lost patience.Did you hear about the brillian ophthalmologist? He had a high Eye Q!

Medical Break-Through of the Day: I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to stop going to those places...

Q. How does an author doctor define a coma?
A. The longest punctuation mark.

Q. How did Galen define a seizure?
A. As Roman emperor, Marcus Aurelius.

When the nurse at your doctor's office tells you to change into one of those skimpy paper gowns, you know the end is in sight.

Q. What is a terminal illness to your doctor?
A. Getting sick at the airport.

Q. Why do proc docs avoid barium enemas?
A. Because that's what they have to do, in the end, when the patient dies.

Q. What do you call a bright student doctor studying to be an ophthalmologist?
A. A good pupil.

Patient: Doc, whenever I drink juice, I get a pain in my eye.
Doctor: Try taking the straw first.

Blind Laugh of the Day: I had an appointment with an eye doctor today, but something came up and I couldn't see him.

Q. What do you dall a veterinarian with laryngitis? A. Hoarse DoctorDoctors say there are millions of overweight people. Of course, those are only round figures.Q. What did the parietal say to the frontal? A. I lobe you!

A veterinary doctor and taxidermist went into business together. Their slogan is: Either Way, You Get Your Pet Back.

Q. Why did the sheep go to the doctor?
A. Because it was feeling really baaad.

Q. Why was a duck arguing with the plastic surgeon?
A. Because he wanted to have his bill reduced.

Patient: Do you think cranberries are healthy?
Doctor: I've never treated a sick one.

Nurse Notes: Patient had waffles for breakfast and bulimia for dinner.

Q. When should you take a cookie to the doctor?
A. When it feels crummy.

Q. Why don't doctors every go on strike?
A. Because nobody, other than a pharmacist, could read their picket signs.

Q. What is the doctor's diagnose for when you start to write a poem, but start to itch and sneeze?
A. An elegy attack.

When an elderly man went to see his doctor, he was told that he'd have to give up half his sex life. The old man asked, "Which half? Thinking about it, or dreaming about it?"

Patient: Doctor, you've got to help me. I think I'm a kleptomaniac.
Doctor: Don't worry. There's something you can take for that!

Patient: My sister treats me like Lucy treats Linus.
Psychiatrist : Hmm. Sounds like a Peanuts analogy.

| Doctor Jokes and Nurse Puns | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | Germ Jokes | Dentist Jokes | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
| Surgeon Jokes | Urologist Jokes | Constipation Jokes | Diarrhea Jokes | Blood Jokes | 2 |
| Dopey Pharmaceutical Jokes | Futuristic Medical Jokes | Sci-Fi Doctor Jokes | Dr. Who Jokes |
| Eye Doctor Jokes and Optometrist Humor | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | Eye Puns | Sick Pick-Up Lines |
| Optometry Jokes | Ophthalmology Jokes | Optician Puns | Glasses Jokes, Eyewear Spectacles |
| Sick Medical Jokes, Healthy Hospital Puns | Shrink Humor, Psychiatrist Jokes | Brain Jokes | 2 |
| Human Anatomy Jokes | Body Jokes | Inner Body Puns, Back Jokes | Butt Jokes | Heart Humor |
| Male Body Jokes, Viagra Jokes | Female Body Jokes | Hand Jokes, Finger Puns, Arm Humor |
| Head Humor | Face Jokes | Ear Jokes, Nose Puns, Throat Humor | Leg Jokes | Foot Jokes |


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Smart Humor! Science + Math = Puns Pot Puns, Weed Jokes, Green Grow-ners!Painful Puns, Punny Funs, Ouch!
Monstrously Funny Puns Old Jokes & Old Never Die Puns Crappy Puns & Sh*tty Jokes!

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