Q. Why do bald men always have holes in their pockets?
A. So they can run their fingers through their hair!

Q. Why did the redneck bodybuilder wear a sleeveless shirt to the gym?
A. To exercise his right to bear arms.

Q. Why was the amputee such a bad singer?
A. 'Cause he couldn't hold a note or carry a tune.

Offhanded Orthopedic Tip of the Day: Looking for something to tickle her funny bone? Just make a couple of humerus witticisms!

Q. Why did the blonde skier cut a hole near the top of her boyfriend's ski parka?
A. She wanted to give him the cold shoulder.

Q. What makes a bodybuilder smile at the gym?
A. Face muscles!

Q. How can you tell a wine taster is a newbie?
A. By the blanc look on her face

Today's Medical Tip: Never agree to have facial plastic surgery if the doctor's office is decorated with Picasso portrait prints.

Q. What is the Christian plastic surgeon's specialty?
A. Faith lifts.

Police Sketch Artist Groan of the Day: A naked woman robbed a bank during a power outage. So, nobody at the bank could remember her face.

Did you hear about the blonde who learned to play piano by ear? She finally figured out it was easier to use her hands...

Q. What kind of fish could help you hear better?
A. A Herring Aid.

Q. Why are men with pierced ears better prepared for marriage?
A. Because they've experienced pain and have bought jewelry.

Q. Why do farmers play smooth jazz out in the corn field?
A. 'Cause it's easy on the ears.

If you think earwigs are terrifying because they crawl into your ears, you don't even want to consider what cockroaches do!

Q. Why did the curious monster take his nose apart?
A. To see what made it run!

Q. What is the difference between a boxer and a guy with a head cold?
A. One knows his blows and the other blows his nose.

Stinking Funny Fact of the Day: You can pick your nose and you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your friends' noses!

Q. What should you do before having facial reconsturction surgery?
A. Pick your nose...

Q. Where do plastic surgeons get all those new noses?
A. At the olfactory.

Q. What happened to the thief who stole a clown's nose?
A. The cops caught him red-handed.

Q. What did the blonde say after losing the breaststroke swimming event?
A. She got mad and accused the other swimmers of cheating 'cause they used their hands!

Q. Which sci-fi gathering do busty blonde aliens attend?
A. Areola 51. Duh!

Q. What happened after the dancer was killed at the stripper bar?
A. Now the place is haunted with en-tities.

Q. What did the boob say to the bikini?
A. You're my breast friend!

Q. What does the geologist call his wife's bra?
A. An over-the-shoulder boulder holder.

Q. What do you call it when somebody trips over a bra?
A. A booby trap.

Q. What is the difference between a hematologist and a urologist?
A. A hematologist pricks your finger. OUCH!

Q. Why did the taller fisherman tell better fish stories than his shorter buddy?
A. 'Cause his arms are longer!

Handy Man Tip of the Day: Never hit a guy with glasses. Use your fists instead!

Q. What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs out in the swimming pool?
A. Bob.

Q. What did the blonde leave the Broncos tailgating party crying?
A. Because they ran out of Coors Light in left-handed cans.

Q. Why is a traffic cop the strongest man in the world?
A. Because he can hold up a 10-Ton truck with his hand.

Q. Which brand of OTC medication should you take if your butt hurts?
A. Ass-Pirin.

Q. What is it called when a surgeon slips and cuts off your right butt cheek?
A. A half-assed operation.

Patient: I think my butt is broken.
Doctor: No, every butt has a crack.

Q. How do you know for certain that you're butt ugly?
A. The proctologist stuck his finger in your mouth.

Q. Why is the name of the affliction, diarrhea, so appropriate?
A. Because it perfectly describes a dire rear!

Q. What do you call a beer drinker without a six-pack?
A. Beer belly.

Q. Which Aussies were the first to concentrate on working out their ab muscles?
A. The native Ab-Originals.

Q. How do you describe the flavor of that pink upset stomach medicine?
A. Pept-abysmal.

Q. What does a ghost take when it suffers from acid reflux?
A. Phan-Tums.

Did you hear about the chef who slipped and broke his prime rib?

A head walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "What do you have that's full-bodied?"

Q. Which shampoo do smart zombies use?
A. Head and Shoulders!

Q. Why did the bald guy put a rabbit on his head?
A. Because he wanted a head full of hare.

Q. What did the patient ask his doctor during the colonoscopy?
A. Could you please write me a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?

Q. What do you get if cross a baseball player and a monster?
A. A double header!

Hot Body Fact of the Day: Did you realize that Dr. Frankenstein was actually the first bodybuilder?

Doctor: Did you know there are 206 bones in the human body?
Blonde Nurse: Shhhh. There's a pack of hungry dogs outside!

Q. What is the creepiest thing about joggers?
A. They're always the ones who discover the dead body.

Q. Why did the girl ghost go on a weight loss diet?
A. She wanted to keep her ghoulish figure.

Fitness Philosophy Failure: I've accepted the fact that being cremated is the only way I'll ever have a smokin' hot body.

Q. Why did the eyeball break up with the elbow?
A. Because the eyeball didn't find the elbow's humerus jabs at all humor-iris.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes in the morning?
A. Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Q. Why were the eyelid and the eyebrow constantly fighting?
A. Because they just couldn't see eye to eye.

Q. Why did the clever blonde decide to rinse her eyes with ketchup?
A. Duh! Because Heinz-sight is 20/20.

Q. Why was the eye going to anger management?
A. It told the therapist, "Eyelash out at people when Eye'm mad."

Q. What's the difference between a podiatrist and an urologist?
A. One is a lot more impressed if you give him a foot.

A shoe salesman, a pirate, and a clown jog into a bar. The bartender says, "What? Is this some kind of a joke about La Feet?"

Q. Why did that one nurse always vomit when a patient with no feet enters the ER?
A. Because she was lack toes intolerent.

Q. What's the difference between a man and Sasquatch?
A. One's covered in matted hair and smells bad; the other has big feet.

Q. Why are spiders such great basketball players?
A. Because they're all eight-footers!

Student Doctor: It looks like there's something written on this patient's big toe.
Famous Surgeon: Oh, yes. That's a footnote.

Q. Where do zombies with no arms and no legs play their championship baseball game?
A. Wrigley Field.

Q. How did the dancing mime kick the bucket?
A. He stubbed his pan-toe-mime.

Q. Why do janitors die with their boots on?
A. So they won't stub their toes when they kick the bucket.

Q. What kind of appetizers do zombies like at Halloween parties?
A. Finger foods.

A blonde looked up to watch a bird flying above. Suddenly the bird pooped. So, the blonde said, "Good thing I had my mouth open, or that would have hit me in the face!"

Q. Why did the guy in the ghost costume get kicked out of the Halloween party at the haunted house?
A. Because he was sheet-faced!

Police were called to a sperm bank yesterday, after the receptionist was reportedly shot in the face. They arrived to a sticky hostage situation.

Two dogs meet on the street and do a ritual sniff. One turns to the other and says, "I don't recall your name, but the feces familiar."

Q. How does a guy with a broken knee cap sing when in solitary pain?
A. A-patella.

Q. What do you call a fish with two knees?
A. A tunee fish.

Q. What did Frosty the Snowman say to the dog who peed on him?
A. If I had legs, I'd kick your butt!

A guy woke up after surgery and screamed, "Doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know, we had to amputate your arms."

Pharmacy Chat Up Line: Hey babe, do you have an Ace bandage? 'Cause when you walked by, I got weak in the knees.

Q. What happened to the boy who was born without eyelids?
A. When he was circumcised, they used the skin for eyelids. Unfortunately, he's a little cock-eyed now.

Q. Why shouldn't you ever put avocados in your eyes?
A. So you don't get guac-oma.

Q. What is a cyclops' favorite winter activity?
A. Sking. That's like skiing, but only with one eye.

Q. What did his wife give the guy when he came home all smelly and sweaty from his run?
A. The stink eye.

Q. What did one zombie say to another?
A. Please don't roll your eyes toward me!

Medical Student Come-On: Wanna go study my anatomy?

Q. What happened after a guy got a Viagra stuck in his throat?
A. He had a stiff neck for hours.

Q. When do vampires really get into horse racing?
A. Only when it's neck and neck!

A giraffe walks into a bar. Bartender asks, "Do you want a long neck?" Giraffe says, "Do I have a choice?"

Q. What do you call it if a giraffe swallows a drone?
A. A a big plane in the neck.

A giraffe walks into a bar. "Sorry," said the bartender, "We don't serve Heineken here."

Killer Medical Laugh of the Day: My mother used to say that the way to a man's heart was through his stomach. She was a lovely woman, but a terrible surgeon.

Q. What do you get if you kiss a duck?
A. A peck on the cheek.

Q. What do you call a fish that won't quit singing?
A. A big-mouthed bass.

A tongue walks into a bar and yells out, "I can lick anyone here!" EW!

Q. What happens when two nervous frogs collide?
A. They get tongue-tied.

Q. How are tight-fitting underwear and smiles alike?
A. Both lift your cheeks.

The cannibal chef daintily wiped his mouth and said, "My wife makes great soup. I'm really going to miss her."

Thanks for stopping by and see you again soon!

Join us on social media and please feel free to share our memes with friends and family:

©2017-2021 Painfulpuns.com All rights reserved.