Q. What is your shrink's favorite day of the week? A. Freud Day!   PainfulPuns.com - Sick Puns, Doctor Jokes, Healthy Humor

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Q. How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb? A. Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to medicare!
Proctologists reASSure patients their problem can be rectified. (Ouch!)
Q. How does a spinal cord hammer a nail into the wall? A. with a spinal tap!
Q. What do you call a pickle doctor? A. A dill pusher!

Potty Humor: Urologists Know How to Go with the Flow!


Nurse Jokes, Physician Humor, Doctor Puns
Take two sick puns, viral nurse humor, and deadly funny doctor jokes and call us in the morning.

Doctor Jokes, Surgeon Puns, Medical Humor
(Because Pills and Ridiculous Medical Bills Are Far TOO Mainstream and Healthy Laughter is the Best Medicine!)
Warning: Proceed with Caution! Doctors prescribe a dose of belly laughs and protection for your funny bone.
Doctor Jokes and Sick Puns | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | Dentist Jokes & Toothy Grins | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
| Surgeon Jokes | Urologist Jokes | Constipation Jokes | Diarrhea Jokes | Blood Jokes | 2 |
| Dopey Pharmaceutical Jokes | Futuristic Medical Jokes | Sci-Fi Doctor Jokes | Dr. Who Jokes |
| Eye Doctor Jokes and Optometrist Humor | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | Eye Puns | Sick Pick-Up Lines |
| Optometry Jokes | Ophthalmology Jokes | Optician Puns | Glasses Jokes, Eyewear Spectacles |
| Shrink Humor, Psychiatrist Jokes, Insanely Crazy Puns | Brainy Puns and Cerebral Jokes | 2 |

Q. What do you call a plastic surgeon knnown for leaving no scars A. Smooth operator!Q. Which kind of fish performs brain surgery? A. A brain sturgeon!Hospitals report hearts of bankers are in high demand by transplant patients because they've never been used!

Medical Point to Ponder: Do doctors tell each other doctor jokes?

Q. How did the intuitive doctor know what was wrong with his patient?
A. He used his sick sense.

Q. What's the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
A. One doctor treats what you have, and the other doctor thinks you have what he treats.

Q. Why didn't the dermatologist laugh at the surgeon's pun?
A. Because it was an inside joke!

Q. What is the difference between a psychologist and a proctologist?
A. Psychologists analyze, but proctologists anal-ize.

Q. Why did the proctologist quit his job?
A. Because he was tired of being the butt of all these shitty jokes.

Q. Why do brain surgeons schedule surgery so early in the morning?
A. So that they can work ahead.

Q. Why did the doctor win the best surgical oncologist award?
A. Because his mastectomy work was breast-taking.

After the guy woke up from surgery, the nurse asked how he was feeling. He said he was okay, but didn't like hearing all the four-letter words in the OR. The nurse asked, "What did he say?" Guy answered, "OOPS!"

Q. What is it called when orthopedic surgeons lose their medical licenses?
A. Unorthodocs.

Q. Where do plastic surgeons get new noses?
A. At the olfactory.

Bile Groan of the Day: A guy wasn't sure the surgeon could handle his hepatectomy, but the doctor did de-liver.

Q. What do transplant doctors fear most about their job?
A. Rejection.

Doctor Tip of the Day: The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades!

Q. Why did that one nurse always vomit when a patient with no feet entered the ER?
A. Because she was lack toes intolerent.

A patient woke up after surgery with a sexy nurse standing over him. Nurse said, "You may not feel anything from the waist down." He replied, "Okay," and so felt her breasts.

Did you hear about the nurse that died and went to hell? It took her two weeks to realize she wasn't at work anymore.

Doctor: Did you take the patient's temperature?
Nurse: No, it's still there.

Q. Why do doctor's make the best Jedi? A. Because a Jedi must have patients!Q. Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? A. Because the P is silent!Did you hear about the circumcision doctor's wife who kept the foreskins? She made them into a purse. When she rubbed it, it became an overnight bag!

Q. What did the NASA doctor say to the rocket ship?
A. It's time for a booster shot.

Did you hear the doctor's joke about the Panspermia germ? Never mind, I don't want to spread it around.

Q. Why did the doctor stop studying extraterrestrial medicine?
A. Because he couldn't find the patients.

Q. What do you call a doctor who lives at a tent-filled resort to treat visitor's afflictions?
A. A camp-pain manager.

A psychotic auto mechanic had sex with a nurse and then escaped from the mental hospital. TV news reported the event as, "Nut Screws and Bolts."

Today's Point to Ponder: If Watson isn't the most famous doctor in England, then Who is?

Q. What do you call a doctor who claims he'll never share your personal information, but does anyway?
A. A HIPAAcrit.

Q. Which kind of doctor fixes websites?
A. A URLologist.

Q. Why do urologists always seem so selfish?
A. Because it's all about number one.

Q. What is Urine?
A. The opposite of you're out.

Q. What's the difference between a podiatrist and an urologist?
A. One is a lot more impressed if you give him a foot.

Q. What does a urologist shout out when he makes a medical breakthrough?
A. Urethra!

Q. Why does the urology doctor just dread his job some days?
A. Because all his patients are dicks.

Q. What do you call a non-religious urologist?
A. An apostate feelin' your prostate.

Q. What is the difference between a neurologist and an urologist?
A. Nothing, if you're a dickhead.

Doctor Quote of the Day: Upon examination of the genetalia, Zobo the clown, has indeed been circus-cized.

Q. What happened to the circumcision doc?
A. He slipped, and got the sack. OUCH!

Q. What is it called when a maternity nurse runs off with the OBGNY doctor?
A. A midwife crisis.

Did you hear about the baby born in the new high-tech delivery room? It was cordless!

Poor guy was in the hospital with 60% burns. Doc says, "Give him two Viagra." Nurse asks, "Do you think that will help?" Doc replies, "No, but it will keep the sheets off his legs!"

Q. How can you tell the head nurse apart from all the others?
A. By the dirt on her knees.

Q. What did the ER nurse say when the bleeding patient asked to just stitch himself up?
A. Sure, suture self.

Never lie to an X-ray technician. They can see right through you.There are over 60,000 miles of blood vessels in the human body. No wonder I have tired blood!McCoy Says: Doctor's orders, Jim. Be a vulcan in the streets and a Klingon in the sheets!

Q. Why did the doctor send the porn star home after her exam?
A. Because she was X-ray-ted.

Blonde Patient: What did the x-ray of my head show?
Doctor: Nothing.

Q. What is it called when a doctor tests your physical fitness level?
A. Looking at the vigor picture.

Q. What did the orthopedic doctor become after he retired and bought a hotel?
A. A room-atologist.

Q. What do you call a Greek back doctor who isn't a physician?
A. A gyropractor.

Q. Why should you trust the doctors who are repairing your slipped disk?
A. Because they have your back.

I don't find doctor puns funny now that I have an irony deficiency.

Q. Why did the two nurses hate each other?
A. Because there was bad blood between them.

Q. Why did the nurse decide to go to art school?
A. To learn how to draw blood.

Today's Medical Trivia: Statistically speaking, 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.

Healthy Laugh of the Day: PMS jokes are not funny, period.

Q. What's the difference between hematologists and urologists?
A. One pricks your finger...

Doctor's Tip of the Day: Always consult sick come-on jokes for bloody funny laughs!

A man goes to the doctor after suffering a severe allergic reaction. Doc asks, "How are you feeling now? Patient replies, "Just swell."

Did you hear about the nurse who swallowed a razor blade? She gave herself a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy – and circumcised three of the doctors on her shift.

Sick Point to Ponder: When a doctor prescribes medicine and bed rest, is that considered aiding and abedding?

Doctor Pick-Up Line: Hey sweaty, may I take your temperature? 'Cause babe, you are looking hot today!

A doctor, a nurse, and a mother walk into a bar. The doctor says, "Give me a shot of Scotch." The nurse says, "Give me a shot of Tequila." The mom says, "I don't do shots," and falls over dead from the measles.

Q. What is the brain's favorite cable television channel? A. The Neural Network!Q. What do you do if ife gives you melons? A. See a doctor, because you're dyslexic!Q. How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? A. Only one, but the bulb has to really watt to change!

Nurse: Doc, why is there a thermometer behind your ear?
Doctor: Oh crap! Some asshole must have my pen!

Q. How can you tell a nurse is having a really bad day?
A. She keeps needling everybody.

Nurse Notes: The patient has refused an autopsy.

Q. Why did the nurse quit her job?
A. Because the pay was measle-ly.

Nurse: My phone just died.
Doctor: Let's call it.

A nurse awakens the patient and says, "Wake up Mr. Jones. It's time for you to take your sleeping pills."

Q. What do you call a bossy duck in a clinic?
A. A nurse quack-titioner.

Pick Up a Nurse Line: Just listen to your heart, and be my date tonight.

Nursing Pick-Up Line: Hey there big fella, did you know nurses do it with intensive care? 'Cause that's doctors orders.

Doctor: Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backward.
Patient: And?

Doctor: Sorry for the long wait.
Sick Guy: No problem. I'm patient.

Patient: Doc, I've swallowed a spoon!
Doctor: Please sit down, and don't stir.

Blonde: Doc, are you a James Bond fan?
Dr: No.

Patient: Doc, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.
Doctor: Next time, take the candles off.

Patient: Doc, I think I'm losing my hearing.
Doctor: What are the symptons?
Patient: Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie.

Q. Why did the calendar need to see a doctor?
A. Because it had a terrible year-ache.

Q. Why did the guy fire his proctologist?
A. Because he was a crap doctor.

Q. What did the doctor say to reassure his patients about the bird flu?
A. Don't worry. It's tweetable!

Guy walks into a psychiatrist's office and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. I think I'm a deck of cards." The shrink replies, "Sit over there, and I'll deal with you later."

Patient: Doc, I'm all boiled up.
Psychiatrist: Okay, just simmer down.

Nurse: Doc, there's a guy on the phone who says he's invisible.
Shrink: Tell him I can't see him right now...

Q. How did the doctor cure the invisible man?
A. He took him to the ICU.

Patient: Doc, I'm having nightmares about a massive void.
Shrink: Don't worry. It's nothing.

Q. Why did the dumb mental patient stand in the corner of the psychiatrist's waiting room and blow hot air on everybody there?
A. Because he's a big fan of Dr. Phil.

Patient: Doc, I think I'm turning into a bedside clock!
Shrink: There is no need to be alarmed.

Sick Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, are you a psychiatrist? 'Cause I went totally nuts when you walked by.

| Doctor Jokes and Nurse Puns | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | Dentist Jokes & Toothy Grins | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
| Surgeon Jokes | Urologist Jokes | Constipation Jokes | Diarrhea Jokes | Blood Jokes | 2 |
| Dopey Pharmaceutical Jokes | Futuristic Medical Jokes | Sci-Fi Doctor Jokes | Dr. Who Jokes |
| Eye Doctor Jokes and Optometrist Humor | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | Eye Puns | Sick Pick-Up Lines |
| Optometry Jokes | Ophthalmology Jokes | Optician Puns | Glasses Jokes, Eyewear Spectacles |
| Shrink Humor, Psychiatrist Jokes, Insanely Crazy Puns | Brainy Puns and Cerebral Jokes | 2 |
| Sick Medical Jokes, Hospital Puns, and Healthy Humor | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 |

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Smart Humor! Science + Math = Puns Pot Puns, Weed Jokes, Green Grow-ners!Painful Puns, Punny Funs, Ouch!
Monstrously Funny Puns Old Jokes & Old Never Die Puns Crappy Puns & Sh*tty Jokes!

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