Killer Doctor Joke of the Day: My mother used to say that the way to a man's heart was through his stomach. She was a lovely woman, but a terrible surgeon.

Q. Why are cardiac surgeons so compassionate?
A. Because nobody else can touch the heart the way they can.

Q. How did the blonde nurse define a triple bipass?
A. A very complicated freeway on ramp.

Q. How does an MDVIP doctor define a triple bipass?
A. A rich play that works better than a quarterback sneak.

Painful Doctor Joke of the Day: I just got the bill for my surgery. Now I know why those doctors were all wearing masks!

Q. What is an outpatient?
A. Someone who has fainted when they saw their hospital bill.

Medical Wonder Point to Ponder: If your father was born with a conjoined twin and doctors separated them, do you have an uncle once removed?

Q. Why did the rope go to a doctor?
A. Because it had a knot in its stomach.

Q. Why did the aluminum bucket go to the doctor?
A. It had a pail face.

Today's Medical Wisdom: Never agree to have plastic surgery if the doctor's office is decorated with Picasso portrait prints.

Q. What should you do before having facial reconsturction surgery?
A. Pick your nose...

Q. What is it called when a plastic surgeon agrees to swap breast implant surgery for the tattoo artist's services?
A. Tit for Tat.

Patient: My hair keeps falling out. Have you got anything to keep it in?
Doctor: How about a cardboard box?

Nurse Notes: The patient has no prior history of suicide...

Q. How does a blonde nurse define himorroid?
A. A guy from outerspace.

Medical researchers have discovered a new disease that has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect, and there is no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported thus far...

A doctor walked into a bank full of anti-vaxxers. With a syringe in hand, he says, "Gimme all the money and nobody gets shot!"

Q. How does your nurse practioner define an enema?
A. Not your friend, in the end...

Q. Why do cardiac surgeons make terrific public speakers?
A. Because they always cut to the heart of the matter.

Q. Why should you never open your heart to a cardiac surgeon?
A. Let them do it. It's their job!

Q. What happens if a doctor steals your heart?
A. He gets cardiac arrested.

ER Doctor Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, ICU in my dreams!

Patient: If I give up sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll, will I live longer?
Doctor: No, it'll just seem longer.

Mind Numbing Surgical Point to Ponder: If an anesthesiologist offers to knock you out with either gas or a boat paddle, is that an ether/oar decision?

Doctor: You only have six months to live.
Patient: I can't pay your bill.
Doctor: Okay then, I'll give you another six months.

Q. How much does male to female gender reassignment surgery cost?
A. Almost a third of your salary.

Q. Why did the guy's wife leave him after he spent all their money on multiple penis enlargement surgeries?
A. 'Cause she just couldn't take it any longer.

Q. How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. It depends on whether or not the bulb has health insurance.

Q. How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. They just say the bulb's condition will turn around.

Q. How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Only one, but he has to ask a nurse which end to screw in.

Q. How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Take two aspirins and call in the morning...

The crusty old doctor did have a nasty, and callous bedside manner. But, he did mean well.

Patient: I keep hearing ringing noises.
Doctor: Try answering the phone.

Doctor's Checkup Groan or the Day: A nurse practitioner was examining his patient who happened to be hard of hearing. He put his stethoscope to her chest and said, "Big breaths." The woman replied, "Yes, they used to be bigger."

Q. How many nurses does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. They'e too busy doing most of the doctor's job.

Q. What did the patient say when the doctor told him his ear problem was merely wax buildup?
A. I'm glad to hear that!

Q. What is a double-blind study?
A. Two audiologists reading an electrocardiogram.

Doctor's Office Groan of the Day: Medical errors are no laughing matter!

Q. How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Just one, but you'll have to stand in his shadow.

ER Doctor: What brings you here?
Dazed and Confused Patient: An ambulance!

Nurse: Would you like an appointment next week?
Patient: NO. I am sick right now!

Q. How many nurses does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. They just pass it off to a nursing assistant.

Q. What do you ge if you have strep throat on Friday?
A. Saturday Night Fever!

But now the podiatrist's rift is heeled and both currently toe the line.

Did you hear about the new podiatrist office? Now he's got enough patients to foot the bill.

Nurse Notes: The patient is numb from her toes down...

Student Doctor: It looks like there's something written on this patient's big toe.
Famous Surgeon: Oh, yes. That's a footnote.

Q. How many pre med students does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Just one. They haven't been taught all the complexities and lucrative opportunities of that operation yet.

A man went to the doctor and said he felt run down. Doc asked, "Why do you feel that way?" The man replied, "Well, I have tire marks on my legs."

Q. Why did the mattress need to go see a doctor?
A. Because it had spring fever.

Q. How many physicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. 'Cause the doctor can't see you now.

Q. Why are obese people who have had gender reassignment surgery safe from cannibals?
A. Because trans fat is bad for your health.

Medical Point to Ponder: If a doctor's office has two M.D.s on call all the time, is that a parodox?

Q. How many TV doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Please see page 69 of this week's medical dama script.

Pick Up a Doctor Line: Hey dude, are you an allergist? 'Cause you take my breath away.

As a doctor was examining his patient, he asked, "Any coughing, wheezing, or shortness of cash?"

Medical Pick-Up Line: Wanna go study my anatomy?

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