Q. How  many consultants does it take to change a light bulb? A. I'll have an estimate for you a week from Friday!   PainfulPuns.com - Job Jokes, Funny Occupations, Work Whoas?

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Hulking Funny: What do you get if you pour cement on a burglar? A Hardened Criminal
Sh*tty Pun: I used to be a sanitation engineer, but the city dumped me.
Did you hear about the safety-conscious coal company? They agreeed to make some miner changes!
Q. How many auto mechanics does it tke to change a light bulb? A. Six. One to force it with a hammer and fie to go out for more bulbs!
Hulk Says: Yuck, I just stepped in a big pile of Monday!

 


Contractor Jokes, Home Repair Humor, Vise Puns
Hammer home finely constructed jokes, hand-crafted carpentry humor, and roof puns.

Construction Job Jokes and Carpenter Humor
(Because Shoddy Contractor Jokes Could Never Be Too Mainstream When You Can't Nail the Punch Line!)
Warning: Proceed with Caution! Handyman humor, electrifying electrician jokes, and drippy plumber puns ahead.
| Actor Jokes | Artist | Author | Baker | Banker | Barber | Bartender | Chef | Chemist |
| Contractor | Dentist Jokes | Doctor | Eye Doc | Farmer Humor | Landlord | Lawyer Jokes |
| Locksmith | Magician | Musician | Police | Scientist | Shrink | Teacher | Weatherman |

Q. Why did the carpenter have his hammer so long? A. It was tough as nails!Q. What did the drywall guy say to the wall? A. One more crack like that, and I'll plaster ya!Q. What do you call off-color jokes in a wood-finishing workshop? A. Lacquer-room humor!

Q. Why was the carpenter such a great volleyball player?
A He really knew how to hammer spikes!

Have you heard the latest construction joke? Sorry, it's not done yet...

Contractor Words of Wisdom: If at first you don't succeed, get a bigger hammer.

Q. How do construction workers party?
A. They raise the roof!

Q. Which nails do carpenters hate hitting?
A. Fingernails!

Q. Why did the foreman say to the carpenter who was shirking his work?
A. Quit plane around!

Q. How did the carpenter cut wood in half, just by looking at it?
A. He just saw it with his own eyes!

A book never written: Tight Drill Bits by Chuck Key.

Q. Why do roofers get in trouble with the cops?
A. Because they always get high and start flashing.

Q. Which squad in Florida clamps down on carpentry infractions?
A. Miami Vise.

A book never written: Construction for Dummies by Bill D. Blox.

Q. Why was the lonely carpenter sad on Saturday night?
A. He didn't get lathed.

Funny Contractor Slogan: It looks like we've nailed it.

Woodworking Words of Wisdom: If you polish your own wood, you'll never catch a veneer-eal disease.

Q. What is the new gardening diet?
A. You hit a garden building with a hammer to shed a few pounds.

Q. Which tool did prehistoric contractors prefer?
A The Dino-Saw!

A book never written: How to Fix Your House by Han D. Mann.

Plumbing contractors have a multi-fauceted personality.

If you apply waterproof coating to a squeaky deck, are you giving it the sealant treatment?Q. Who do pirates call if they break a leg? A. Their Carrrpenter!Did you hear about the guy who stole a can of wood filler? A. He was arrested for putty theft!

Q. How did the auto mechanic get his tools from place to place?
A. He used a lug wrench.

Q. What happened after the furnace and HVAC guy died?
A. The business was now just heir conditioning.

Q. Why did the worker quit his job as a drill operator?
A. Because it was boring.

Construction Pick-Up Line: Girl, are you a cantilever? 'Cause you leave me hanging for more.

Q. What is the name of the new dating site full of hot dudes?
A. Stud Finder.

Q. What did the carpenter say when asked if his sandpaper was rough enough?
A. Of coarse it is!

Q. Which new carpentry dating site is popular among studs?
A. Board Meetings.

Q. Why shouldn't you argue with your driveway contractor?
A. You might get bogged down in cementics.

Q. Why did the electrical system in the prison keep malfunctioning?
A. The warden didn't hire an electrician; he let a conduit.

Q. Why is it so hard to find stuff at the home improvement store?
A. Because they're always under construction.

Q. How many contractors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Three. One to screw it in, and two to hold the ladder.

A book never written: How to Build a House by Bill Dean Blocks.

Q. How do electricians become confused? A. They get their wires crossed!Did you hear the jjoke about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head!Q. How does a spinal cord hammer a nail into the wall? A. with a spinal tap!

Q. What is an electrician's favorite kind of ice cream?
A. Shock-a-lot.

Q. What's another name for an electician's apprentice?
A. A Shock Absorber!

Q. What kind of car does an electrician drive?
A. A Volts-Wagen.

Q. What do electricians chant when they meditate?
A. Ohm...

Q. Why did it take the nosey roofer so long to do his job?
A. Because he was always eavesdropping.

Q. What are the most common physical ailment of roofers?
A. Shingles, gutter rot, and hip replacements.

Q. What is a dog contractor's specialty?
A. Roofing.

Q. Where do roofing contractors go to relax at the end of a long week?
A. The Shingle's Bar!

Q. Why shouldn't you play poker with a plumber?
A. A good flush beats a full house any day!

Q. Why couldn't the plumber ever get a date?
A. Because he was a real drip.

Q. Why did the plumber always fall asleep on the job?
A. Because he work was so draining.

Q. What did the barefoot contractor get when he stepped on the electric fence?
A. A pair of shocks.

Did you hear about the recluse who extracted gold without any hel? He liked to mine his own business!Q. What did the painter say to the wall? A. One more crack, and I'll plaster you!I used to be a road digger, but I got retrenched.

Q. Who was the first carpenter?
A. Eve. She made Adam's banana stand.

Q. What is the title of a trash collector’s memoir?
A. Dump and Dumper.

Did you hear about the new documentary about high-rise steelworkers? It was absolutely riveting!

Q. Why did they have to replace the furnace?
A. Because the one they had was not so hot.

Q. Which kind of building weighs the least?
A. A Lighthouse.

Q. Why did the blonde contractor stick her finger in the ink bottle?
A. To get a blue print.

Q. Why did the handyman buy a new truck?
A. So he could tool around!

Q. Why haven't you heard the newest contractor joke?
A. Because it's still under construction.

New Construction point to ponder: Why is it called a building if it's already built?

Q. How does the military fuse things together?
A. They use soldiering irons.

Q. What is the motto of a caulking contractor company?
A. We Will Not Be Under-Sealed!

I didn't want to believe my roomate was stealing stuff from his road construction job, but when I got home all the signs were there.

Q. Why is dating so hard for steam-roller operators?
A. Because they're overly flattering.

Q. What do road construction crews use at the North Pole?
A. Snow cones.

Q. Why did the railroad construction fall behind schedule?
A. Because they needed to get back on track.

Q. What happened after the spear was first invented?
A. It would be used from that point on.

| Actor Jokes | Artist | Author | Baker | Banker | Barber | Bartender | Chef | Chemist |
| Contractor | Dentist Jokes | Doctor | Eye Doc | Farmer Humor | Landlord | Lawyer Jokes |
| Locksmith | Magician | Musician | Police | Scientist | Shrink | Teacher | Weatherman |

| On the Job Jokes | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 |

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