Q. Who is Transylvania's most famous optometrist? A. Count Macula!   PainfulPuns.com - Sick Puns, Doctor Jokes, Healthy Humor

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Sick Banana Joke: Why did the banana go see the doctor? A. It wasn't peeling well!
Optometrists live long because they dilate.

Old doctors never die. They just lose their patience.
Did you hear about the opticican? Two glasses, and he made a spectacle of himself.


Doctor Jokes, Medical Puns, Healthy Humor
Get a dose of sick puns, viral humor, and medical jokes to remedy whatever ails you whenever!

Medical Humor, Sick Puns, Funny Doctor Jokes
(Because Prescription Pills Are TOO Mainstream for the Holidays and Laughter is the Best Seasonal Medicine!)
Warning: Proceed at Your Own Risk! Doctor jokes, seasonal medical humor, and bloody funny puns ahead.
| Sick Medical Jokes, Hospital Puns, and Healthy Humor | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 |
| Doctor Jokes and Nurse Puns | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | Dentist Jokes & Toothy Grins | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
| Surgeon Jokes | Urologist Jokes | Constipation Jokes | Diarrhea Jokes | Blood Jokes | 2 |
| Dopey Pharmaceutical Jokes | Futuristic Medical Jokes | Sci-Fi Doctor Jokes | Dr. Who Jokes |
| Eye Doctor Jokes and Optometrist Humor | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | Eye Puns | Sick Pick-Up Lines |
| Optometry Jokes | Ophthalmology Jokes | Optician Puns | Glasses Jokes, Eyewear Spectacles |
| Shrink Humor, Psychiatrist Jokes, Insanely Crazy Puns | Brainy Puns and Cerebral Jokes | 2 |

Q. What do you call a dentist who doesn't like tea? A. Denis!Q. Does an apple a day keep the doctor away? A. Only if your aim is good!Q. What does a brain do when it sees a brain across the street? A. It gives a brain wave!

Q. How can you tell you've found the best dentist?
A. He's Ahh-Inspiring!

Q. Why did the dentist faint?
A. Her son came home an announced he'd joined the hockey team!

Q. What do you call the practical advice your dentist gives you?
A. His fill-osophy.

Q. What kind of award do dentists not want?
A. A little plaque.

Q. Which dental professional wrote the book, Toothpaste Loves Teeth?
A. Flo Wright.

Q. Which medication does a lisping snake take before giving a presentation?
A. Anti-hiss-tamines.

Nurse: Doc, we have lost our patient.
Doctor: Oh no, what happened?
Nurse: "He recovered.

Q. Why did the nurse quit her job?
A. Because the pay was measle-ly.

Q. When does a doctor get mad?
A. When he runs out of patients.

Man: My doctor told me to give up golf.
Friend: Why, did he examine your heart?
Man: No, he looked at my score card.

Medical Bug of the Day: When I told the doctor I was having memory problems, she made me pay in advance.

Q. How do you describe the shady pharmaceutical executive's exorbitant profits?
A. Ill-gotten gains.

Q. Why didn't the single-minded brain want to take a bath?
A. It did not want to be brainwashed!

Q. Where does a neuron keep its money?
A. In a brain bank.

Q. Why is the cerebral cortex always wrong?
A. Because it's never in the right hemisphere.

Q. Where are neurons jailed if they commit a crime?
A. A nerve cell!

Q. Which psychiatrist wrote the self-help book, One More Way To Deal With Stress?
A. Val E. Umm.

Q. Why did the Mexican guy take anti-anxiety medication?
A. For Hispanic attacks.

Q. What did the guy with the broken leg say to his nurse on Valentine's Day? A. I've got a crutch on you!Q. What treat do eye doctors give out on Halloween? A. Candy Cornea!Q. What did the werewolf eat after he had his teeth taken out? A. The dentist!

Doctor: How is the little girl who swallowed the quarters doing today?
Nurse: Still no change.

Doctor: Did you know there are 206 bones in the human body?
Blonde Nurse: Shhhh. There's a pack of hungry dogs outside!

A patient woke up after surgery with a sexy nurse standing over him. The nurse said, "You may not feel anything from the waist down." He replied, "Okay," and so felt her breasts.

Q. Why did the guy ask his wife to dress up like a nurse?
A. To fulfill his fantasy that they had health insurance.

Q. Why did the nurse always insist on using a rectal thermometer?
A. Because in school, nurses are taught to always look for a patient's best side.

Q. Who is Transylvania's most famous eye doctor?
A. Count Macula!

Q. Which day of the week do eye care professional like most?
A. Freaky Eye-day.

Q. Which root vegetable is the favorite of optometrists?
A. Potatoes, because they have so many eyes.

Q. Why did the cautious seer visit his eye doctor?
A. Because he needed his vision checked.

Q. Why do criminals on the lam wear dark glasses?
A. To disguise their eye-dentity.

Q. What is the best thing a boxer can put on a new shiner?
A. An eyes pack!

Q. What are the six most frightening words in the world?
A. The Dentist Can See You Now!

Q. What do you get if you have strep throat on Friday?
A. Saturday Night Fever!

Patient: I don't know which is worse, having a tooth pulled or having a baby.
Dentist: Well, make up your mind because I'll have to adjust the chair.

Q. What is the difference between a dentist and an aerobics instructor?
A. The dentist lets you sit down while he hurts you.

Toothy Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, you're like my false teeth. I can't smile without you!

Q. What happens when you get a gold tooth?
A. You literally put your money where your mouth is.

Q. Who has the most dangerous job in Transylvania? A. Dracula's dentist!Q. What do vampires take when they're sick? A. Coffin Drops!Q. What did the dentist see at the North Pole? A. A molar bear!

Q. What's the difference between a vampire with a toothache and a rainstorm?
A. One roars in pain, and the other pours the rain.

Q. Why did the vampire always keep his fangs so clean?
A. To prevent bat breath!

Q. Why didn't the guy have to take Viagra after visiting the haunted house?
A. 'Cause he was already scared stiff!

Q. What does a ghost take when it suffers from acid reflux?
A. Phan-Tums.

Nurse: Doctor Witchuralksi can see you now.
Patient: Which doctor?
Nurse: Oh, no. She's fully qualified.

Patient: Doc, I think I've been bitten by a vampire.
Doctor: Drink this glass of water.
Patient: Will that help?
Doctor: No, but I'll be able to check our neck for leaks.

Q. What is a red blood count?
A. Dracula!

Q. How are vampires and false teeth alike?
A. They only come out at night!

Shrink: How do you see yourself?
Dracula: I don't.

Q. What do you call a vampire eye doctor?
A. Count Drocular.

Q. Why did Dracula go to the doctor?
A. Because he couldn't stop coffin.

Q. Where does a mobile dental clinic go after hours?
A. To a molar home park.

Q. What do you call a grizzly who lost all his teeth?
A. A Gummy Bear!

Q. What did one tooth say to another tooth?
A. Thar's gold in them thar fills!

Q. Why should you try to be nice to your dentist?
A. Because dentists have fillings, too!

Q. Which procedure do orthodontists perform when molars are too close together?
A. Teeth widening.

Q. Why did the Oreo go to the dentist?
A. Because it lost its filling.

Q. What vaccination does Santa get before Christmas eve? A. Shingles!What's the worst skin disease you can get at Christmas time? A. Excemas!Why did Santa have to see the doctor? A. Because of his bad elf!

Q. Why did the guy pass out while he was shopping?
A. We don't have the faintest idea…

Q. Why didn't the proctologist tell his patient all about his new prescription?
A. Because it was going to be a surprise-atory.

When a lawyer was coming out of anesthesia after surgery, he asked, "Why are all the drapes drawn?" The doctor replied, "There's a fire across the street, so we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."

Q. Why was the head ER nurse demoted?
A. For being absent without gauze.

Patient: If I give up sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll, will I live longer?
Doctor: No, it'll just seem longer.

Q. What is a practical nurse?
A. One who marries a rich, terminally ill patient.

Medical Chat Up Line: Hey there, are you a cardiologist? 'Cause I want to surrender my heart to you.

Q. Why don't old chiropractors ever die?
A. Because they're so well adjusted.

Q. Why did the snowman visit an orthodontist?
A. To correct his frostbite!

Q. Why did the snowman go to the doctor?
A. Because he had the chills.

Nurse: Are you always this pale?
Patient: Only on caucasian.

Q. Which relative is likely to be taking medication for Schizophrenia?
A. Aunty Psychotic.

Q. How do you describe the flavor of that pink upset stomach medicine?
A. Pept-abysmal.

Q. Why did the nurse decide to go to art school?
A. To learn how to draw blood.

Q. What do you call a tiff about a doctor's checkup?
A. Health spat.

Q. What is a vain vein?
A. A greedy, egotistical, thankless MDVIP doctor POS that sucks your wallet dry.

Q. What caused the death of the old surgeon?
A. He just couldn't cut it any more.

Q. Who gives out oral hygiene gifts at Christmas time?
A. Santa Floss!

Q. When was medication first mentioned in the Bible?
A. When God told Moses to take two tablets.

Doctor Pick-Up Line: Can I take your temperature? Because you're looking hot today!

Q. What is a thorax?
A. An associate of The Cat In The Hat.

Q. How can you tell a nurse is having a really bad day?
A. She keeps needling everybody.

Sleep Clinic Pick-Up Line: Babe, you seem to induce REM sleep in me, 'cause you're the only thing I dream about.

Q. What did the doctor's bumper sticker say on his 1964 Cadillac?
A. Health is on the way!

Q. Do old proctologists ever die?
A. No, they just butt out.

Nurse: My phone just died.
Doctor: Let's call it.

| Sick Medical Jokes, Hospital Puns, and Healthy Humor | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 |
| Doctor Jokes and Nurse Puns | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | Germ Jokes | Dentist Jokes | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |
| Surgeon Jokes | Urologist Jokes | Constipation Jokes | Diarrhea Jokes | Blood Jokes | 2 |
| Dopey Pharmaceutical Jokes | Futuristic Medical Jokes | Sci-Fi Doctor Jokes | Dr. Who Jokes |
| Eye Doctor Jokes and Optometrist Humor | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | Eye Puns | Sick Pick-Up Lines |
| Optometry Jokes | Ophthalmology Jokes | Optician Puns | Glasses Jokes, Eyewear Spectacles |
| Shrink Humor, Psychiatrist Jokes, Insanely Crazy Puns | Brainy Puns and Cerebral Jokes | 2 |
| Human Anatomy Jokes | Body Jokes | Inner Body Puns, Back Jokes | Butt Jokes | Heart Humor |
| Male Body Jokes, Viagra Jokes | Female Body Jokes | Hand Jokes, Finger Puns, Arm Humor |
| Head Humor | Face Jokes | Ear Jokes, Nose Puns, Throat Humor | Leg Jokes | Foot Jokes |

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