Guy walks into a psychiatrist's office and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. I think I'm a deck of cards." The shrink replies, "Sit over there, and I'll deal with you later."

Patient: I think I'm an electric eel.
Shrink: That's really shocking!

A psychotic auto mechanic had sex with a nurse and then escaped from the mental hospital. TV news reported the event as, "Nut Screws and Bolts."

Crazy Thought of the Day: A man with a split personality went to a shrink. After the first session, he asked for the group rate.

Q. Which former patient wrote the book, Mental Health Changed My Thinking?
A. Lew Knee Binn.

He was wheeled into the operating room, but then he had a change of heart.

Q. How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. They'd rather wait for a suitable donor and do a filament transplant at that time.

Q. How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Depends on its health insurance.

Medicated Point to Ponder: If a blonde goes upstairs to get her meds, does that mean she's coming down with something?

Q. Which anti-anxiety drug is manufactured in Southern California?
A. San Fernando Valium.

Q. What is the difference between a neurologist and an urologist?
A. Nothing, if you're a dickhead.

An elevator walks into a shrink's office and says, "Doc, I think I'm out of control." Shrink replies, "In your line of work, you're bound to have your ups and downs."

Patient: Doc, I think I'm a nit.
Shrink: Oh please, just get out of my hair.

Q. Why was the architect seeing a psychiatrist?
A. Because he had an edifice complex.

Patient: I think I have a split personality.
Shrink: Okay, both of you sit down over there.

Q. Why is it so hard for computer programmers to get a prescription for pain killers?
A. Because they have a history of codeine.

Q. Why did the desktop computer go in to see the doctor?
A. It thought it had a terminal illness.

Dentist: This will hurt a bit.
Patient: Okay.
Dentist: I've been having an affair with your wife.

Q. What did the dentist's girlfriend say when she broke up with him?
A. No hard fillings...

Q. Why did a blonde drive to the auto body repair shop?
A. She was looking for a dentist!

Q. What did the Colorado eye doctor say when questioned about his jokes?
A. My puns are corneas taco shells!

Q. Why did a gangster go to the eye doctor?
A. He had glock-oma.

Q. What did the optometrist comedian call his comedy club act?
A. A Cornea-copia of Jokes.

Patient: I get a stabbing pain in my eye when I drink hot tea.
Eye Doctor: Have you tried removing the spoon from the cup?

Q. Why is the life expectancy of ophthalmologists longer than urologists?
A. Because eye doctors dilate!

Q. Why did the optician quit his job?
A. He just got tired of the daily grind.

Q. What do you call a hat for the brain?
A. A thinking cap!

Q. Why did the blonde always trim the ends off of her ADHD pills?
A. To avoid side effects.

Q. What happens when there's a national dentist strike?
A. You have to brace yourself!

Q. Who is the most famous Scottish dentist of all time?
A. Phil N. McCavity.

Q. Why did the lumberjack need to see a dentist?
A. He had a cavi-tree.

Q. What do you call an obese weatherman that studies penises?
A. A meaty-urologist.

Q. What is the medical term for owning too many dogs?
A. Roverdose!

Q. Which dog breed is the favorite of drug dealers?
A. A Meth Lab.

Overdose Groan of the Day: I accidentally took my cat's meds today. No, please don't ask meow I'm doing!

Q. What do you call an alligator drug addict?
A. A crackodile.

Q. What do you call a loon that's a drug addict?
A. A quack head.

There is a sign on the lawn at the drug rehab center that reads: "Keep off the grass." Oh please, that isn't very polite of them!

Q. Why do baristas take throat lozenges?
A. Because they get coffee.

When I first tried a new cough syrup the doctor prescribed, I had no idea what to expectorate.

Doctor: Your coughing sounds a lot better.
Patient: Thanks. I've had plenty of practice.

Q. Why did the pillow go to the doctor?
A. Because it was feeling all stuffed up.

Q. What did the pharmacist say about his new job at the drug store?
A. The pay isn't great, but the Percs are amazing.

Q. Why did the tractor sell medicines?
A. Because it was a farm-assist.

ER Doctor Come-On: Hey bae, I am an expert in mouth to mouth.

Patient: Doc, I've swallowed a spoon!
Doctor: Please sit down, and don't stir.

Q. What happened when the guy mixed up his depression medication with Viagra?
A. No matter how he tried, everything just kept getting harder and harder.

Patient: Doc, whenever I drink juice, I get a pain in my eye.
Doctor: Try taking the straw out first.

Q. Why did the trampoline go see a doctor?
A. Because it had spring fever.

A man goes to the doctor after suffering a severe allergic reaction. Doctor asks, "How are you feeling now? Patient replies, "Just swell."

Patient: Do you think cranberries are healthy?
Doctor: I've never treated a sick one.

Q. What did the optometrist need for sightseeing?
A. An eye-tinerary.

Q. What do optometrists say about painful eye puns?
A. These jokes are so eye-ronic!

We know these eye doctor puns keep getting cornea and cornea. Iris the jokes were more colorful, but please don't lash out!

Q. How did the optometrist greet his new one-eyed pirate patient?
A. Eye Matey!

Eye Doc Come-On: Does your left eye hurt? 'Cause babe, you're lookin' alright!

Q. Why was the optometrist served a subpoena to testify in the trial?
A. He was an excellent eye witness.

Medical Student Come-On: Wanna go study my anatomy?

A nurse practitioner was examining his patient who happened to be hard of hearing. He put his stethoscope to her chest and said, "Big breaths." The woman replied, "Yes, they used to be bigger."

Patient: Doc, I think I'm losing my hearing.
Doctor: What are the symptons?
Patient: Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie.

Q. Why did the calendar need to see a doctor?
A. Because it had a terrible year-ache.

Hypocritic Oath Fact of the Day: Today at the doctor's office the receptionist informed me that all their records are electronic now, and handed my a clipboard with a dozen forms to fill out.

Q. Why are big pharma chemists considered studs?
A. Because they know how to make a fun-gal cream.

Q. Which kind of humor do optometrists appreciate the most?
A. Eye-rony.

Q. Which kind of medication makes you look down on your eye doctor?
A. Eye drops.

Q. Why was the eye doctor always so happy?
A. He was an Opti-must!

Q. What is another name for an eye dropper?
A. A bad ophthalmologist.

Q. Why did the cyclops teacher close his charter school?
A. He only had one pupil.

Q. What did the ophthalmologist say to the office receptionist when she threatened to quit her job?
A. Please stye with me!

Q. What does it take to become a famous eyewear designer?
A. A flair for fashion and stye-lish eye-deas.

Thanks for stopping by and see you again soon!

Join us on social media and please feel free to share our memes with friends and family:

©2017-2021 Painfulpuns.com All rights reserved.