Q. Which type of humor simply turns an ophthalmologist's stomach?
A. Sight gags.

Q. What is an ophthalmologist's favorite song of all time?
A. Eye Of The Tiger.

Q. What do you call a bright student studying to be an ophthalmologist?
A. A good pupil.

Q. Why did the psychic go to her eye doctor?
A. She was having a hard time seeing into the future.

Q. What is the blood type of happy people?
A. B Positive!

Q. Is it possible to hear the blood in your veins?
A. Only if you listen varicosely.

Sick Fact of the Day: Statistically speaking, 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.

Healthy Tip of the Day: Whatever you do, always give 100% – unless you're donating blood!

PMS jokes are not funny, period.

Q. Why did the blonde bring spelunking gear to her dentist's office?
A. She heard there was a big cavity and wanted to explore it.

Q. Why did the blonde send her dentist a note?
A. Toothank him!

Dentist: Don't worry. I'm painless.
Patient: Um, I'm not!

Q. How can you get a new set of teeth put in you for free?
A. Pet a lion.

Q. Why shouldn't you store medications and prescriptions directly under the roof?
A. To avoid becoming a drug attic.

Q. How do you tell the difference between an oral themometer and a rectal thermometer?
A. By the taste.

Did you hear about the nurse that died and went to hell? It took her two weeks to realize she wasn't at work anymore.

Patient: I think I swallowed a pillow.
Doctor: I see. How do you feel?
Patient: A little down in the mouth.

Q. What do surgeons and church musicians do when they hang out together on Sunday afternoons?
A. They talk about organs.

Q. What's the difference between a mechanic and a doctor?
A. A mechanic fixes his mistakes, but the doctor buries his.

Q. What happens when somebody steals your heart?
A. They get cardiac arrested.

Q. Why didn't the dermatologist laugh at the surgeon's pun?
A. Because it was an inside joke!

Q. What is a triple bipass?
A. A very complicated freeway on ramp.

Q. Why are obese people who have had gender reassignment surgery safe from cannibals?
A. Because trans fat is bad for your health.

Today's Medical Wisdom: Never agree to have plastic surgery if the doctor's office is decorated with Picasso portrait prints.

Q. Where do plastic surgeons get all those new noses?
A. At the olfactory.

Q. How did the blonde feel when the plastic surgeon said she didn't need a butt reduction?
A. She was pretty bummed out.

Q. Where do plastic surgeons shop before a boob job?
A. Breast Buy.

Patient: My hair keeps falling out. Have you got anything to keep it in?
Doctor: How about a cardboard box?

Dentistry Fact of the Day: An orthodontist always gets to the root of the problem.

Q. Why did a termite eat the sofa, loveseat, and chair?
A. Because it had a suite tooth!

Q. Who wrote the toothy best seller, Dental Examination?
A. Hope N. Wide.

Q. What time is it hardest to schedule a dental appointment?
A. Tooth-Hurty!

Q. Why is psychotherapy a lot faster for a man than for a woman?
A. Because when it's time for a man to go back to childhood, he's already there!

Patient: I think I'm a moth.
Shrink: You are blocking my light.

Patient: I have this feeling I'm invisible.
Psychiatrist: Did I just hear a voice?

Patient: I think I'm a frog.
Shrink: What's wrong with that?
Patient: I think I'm going to croak.

Eye am an optometrist, so you can clearly see why my puns just get cornea.

Q. Why did the patient decide to go to the eye doctor, before trying ecstacy, since he wasn't going to the beach?
A. Because it's eye before E, except after sea.

Q. What did the optometrist's receptionist say to the patient?
A. Iris I could help you, but I lack the vision.

Insightful Optometrist Pun: Iris is a great name for an eye doctor!

Unsightly Laugh of the Day: Never hit a guy with glasses. Use your fists instead!

Q. Why did the optician want to go to the beach?
A. He heard there was a lot of eye candy there.

Q. What did the patient say to Dr. Patrick when she had trouble reading the eye chart?
A. Pat, I'd like to buy a vowel.

Q. What did the eye doctor say about the last painful eye pun?
A. I just didn't see that one coming!

A man went to the doctor and said he felt run down. Doc asked, "Why do you feel that way?" The man replied, "Well, I have tire marks on my legs."

Q. Why did the Oreo go to the hospital?
A. Because it was feeling pretty crumby.

A guy woke up after surgery and screamed, "Doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know, we had to amputate your arms."

Q. Why did the bucket go to the doctor?
A. It had a pail face.

Did you hear about the dentist who was convicted of incisor trading?

Q. Why did they call the dentist The King?
A. Because he specialized in crowns.

Please stop telling punny toothbrush jokes!
– Oral B. Madd.

Dentistry Fact of the Day: Dentists deal with the same old grind, day after day.

Q. What did one tooth say to another in an attempt to make it jealous?
A. The dentist is taking me out tonight!

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