Q. What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A. A Roamin' Catholic.

Two blondes walk into a tanning salon. The receptionist asks them if they're sisters. They laughed and said, "No, we're not even Catholic."

Q. What is an army unit of nuns called?
A. A Force of Habit.

Q. What did one nun say to another nun on her birthday?
A. Let's celibate!

Q. Which kind of drum is played by two nuns at the same time?
A. A conundrum.

Q. How do you describe a Catholc tailor that won't make clothing for nuns?
A. Non habit forming.

Q. Why doesn't the Pope's computer ever crash and die?
A. 'Cause it has a screen savior.

Q. What kind of containers does the Pope store his vegetables in?
A. Vat-i-cans.

Q. What is a bomb in a Catholic church called?
A. A weapon of Mass destruction.

Q. How do scientists know atoms are Catholic?
A. Because the have mass.

Religion Point to Ponder: If a Catholic priest is traveling at the speed of light, does he still have mass?

Q. What is a shooting in a church called?
A. A mass murder.

A Catholic priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar. Bartender says, "What? Is this some kind of a joke?"

Q. What happened after the altar boy accidentally hit the priest with a perfume burner during Mass?
A. The priest was incensed.

Q. What's the most fun a monk can have?
A. Nun.

Q. What do you call a Catholic priest who's also an attorney?
A. A father-in-law.

Q. Which blessing can anyone get from a Catholic priest if they pay one cent?
A. A penny-diction.

Chuck Norris steps into the confessional at church. The priest confessed all his sins.

Q. What does a devout Catholic guy do when he wants new prayer beads?
A. He goes rosary shopping.

Q. Why shouldn't you ever fart in church?
A. Because you have to sit in your pew!

Q. What do you call a religious book of Catholic devotions that levitates like magic?
A. A surface-to-air missal.

Q. What do you call the guy who is directly under the nuns in the parish?
A. Second to nun.

Q. What happened to the guy who didn't make back payments to his exorcist?
A. He got repossessed!

Q. How did the priest end up with a negative bank balance?
A. It was a clerical error.

Q. What do Catholics call a Protestant in love?
A. A Pope-less romantic.

Q. Who is the master of an a-maize religion?
A. The Pope Corn.

Q. What's the name of the new perfume that's made with holy water?
A. Eau My God.

Q. What do Catholics call a baptism aboard an airplane?
A. A blessing in da skies.

Q. What is it called when a Mexican guy is newly baptized?
A. Bean dip.

Three nuns are confessing to each other. The first admits to having sinful thoughts about a man, so she blots her forehead with holy water. The second admits to holding hands with a man, so she washes her hands in holy water. The third nun gargles.

Q. What do you call a group of Catholic priests working out at the gym?
A. Muscle mass.

Q. Why did Satan open a gym?
A. So he could exercise his demons.

Q. Why did a priest open a gym across the street from Satan's Fitness Center?
A. To exorcise his demons.

Q. What warning is included in the monk's new book, Religious Poetry Writing for Dummies?
A. Psalm assembly required.

Q. Which famous Italian friar and philosopher was actually a great horseman?
A. St. Thomas Equinas.

Q. Why did the British stoners go to mass on the first day of Lent?
A. They heard it was HAsh Wednesday.

Q. Why did the Catholic woman exclusively dress in black?
A. Because her fashion sense was second to nun.

Two nuns were riding their bikes down the street. The first nun says, "I've never come this way before." The other nun replies, "Yeah, I know! It's the cobblestones!"

Q. How much does a Catholic church weigh with no people in it?
A. Nothing, since it has no mass.

Catholic Groan of the Day: Abstinence makes the Church grow fondlers. OUCH!

Q. What happened when the cannibal found religion?
A. He only eats Catholics on Fridays.

Q. Why do vampires hate arguments?
A. Because they don't want to get cross.

Two nuns were driving down the road when a vampire jumped out in front of them. One nun say, "Quickly, show him your cross!" The second nun rolls down the window and yells, "Get out of the road, you dumb jerk!"

Q. What do you call a monk who's also an attorney?
A. A brother-in-law.

Q. What do you get if you cross a friar and a fish?
A. A Monkfish.

Q. How do some Catholics keep in touch with God?
A. Knee mail.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's Daughter. She went down to the Bank of the Nile and withdrew a little prophet.

Q. Why did God kick humanity out of the Garden of Eden?
A. Adam blamed Eve, Eve blamed the serpent, and the serpent didn't have a leg to stand on.

Q. What did Adam and Eve do after they were kicked out of the Garden of Eden?
A. They raised Cain.

Q. What was Eve's role in the garden?
A. Eden mother.

Q. Who invented the first soft drink?
A. Adam. He made Eve's Cherry Pop.

Q. Who was the funniest commedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. Where is the first case of constipation mentioned in the Bible?
A. In Kings, where it's stated that David sat on the throne for forty years.

Q. When was medication first mentioned in the Bible?
A. When God told Moses to take two tablets.

Old Catholic priests never die but they are put out to pastor.

Religion Groan of the Day: If anybody needs an ark, I Noah guy.

Q. How were the lower levels of Noah's ark lit?
A. Floodlights.

Q. Where did Noah keep bees aboard ship?
A. In the ark-hives.

Q. What is the difference between Noah's ark and Joan of Arc?
A. Noah's ark was made of wood and Joan of Arc was maid of Orleans.

Q. Why didn't Noah do any fishing aboard the ark?
A. 'Cause he only had two worms.

Q. How do we know they played cards in biblical times?
A. 'Cause Noah sat on the deck.

Q. Which North American canines caught a ride on Noah's boat?
A. Ark-tic wolves.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everybody else was in liquidation.

Q. What do you call a nun who's also an attorney?
A. A sister-in-law.

Q. What happens to any money nuns make?
A. It souly goes to nun-profit organizations.

Q. What do you get if you cross a nun and a chicken?
A. A pecking order.

Q. What do you call a nun in a motorized wheelchair?
A. Virgin Mobile.

A nun walked into a bar wearing her clothes inside-out. When the bartender asked her about it, she replied, "It's just a bad habit."

Q. What is a nun's favorite fruit?
A. Can't-elope.

Q. What do you say when asked about the sister who is the CEO of your enterprise?
A. Nun of yo business.

Q. Which Bible character didn't have parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

Q. How many Protestant women reside at the abbey?
A. Nun.

Q. What's the difference between a Jewish wife and a Catholic wife?
A. A Jewish wife has real diamonds and the Catholic wife has real orgasms.

Q. What do you get if you put two nuns and a hooker on a football field?
A. Two tight ends and a wide receiver.

A blonde walks iinto a confessional at church. OUCH!

Q. What do Catholic Sisters do in their spare time?
A. That's nun of your business!

Q. What is it called when a proctologist gives a nun an exam?
A. Analysis.

Q. What did the nun who is also an Avon lady say when she rings the doorbell?
A. Let us spray.

Q. What is the difference between a nun and a nurse?
A. A nun only serves one God.

Q. Which kind of maize is the holiest?
A. Pope Corn.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q. Who was the greatest babysitter in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to sleep!

Q. Who was the smallest man in the Bible?
A. David. He was a ruler, so he was only 12 inches tall.

Q. What was the first baseball game mentioned in the Bible?
A. In the big inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second, Cain struck out Abel, and the Prodigal Son can home. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.

Q. Which is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
A. When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.

Q. Which kind of automobile was mentioned in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury

Q. How are protons and an abandoned Catholic church alike?
A. Both have no mass.

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