Race car driver pick-up line: Hey Babe, would you like to blow my headgasket?

Tow truck driver pick-up line: Hey Babe, is your battery dead? 'Cause I'd like to jump you.

Auto mechanic pick-up line: Hey Babe, wanna lubricate my camshaft?

Q. What happened to the robber who stole the street lamp?
A. He got a light sentence.

Q. What do you call a cop alligator wearing a vest?
A. An investigator.

Q. Why was the celery arrested?
A. For stalking...

I've been eating a lot of pasta lately. In fact, it's becoming part of my daily rotini!

If you have a pizza with a radius of Z and a thickness of A, it's volume = Pi(Z•Z)A.

Customer: "Do you have spaghetti on the menu today?"
Waiter: "No, I cleaned it off."

Guy walks into a psychiatrist's office and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. I think I'm a deck of cards." The shrink replies, "Sit over there, and I'll deal with you later."

When two egotists meet up, it's an I for an I.

At couples therapy, the shrink asked the wife why she wanted to end their marriage. She said, "I hate the constant Star Wars puns." To which the husband replied, "Divorce is strong with this one."

Q. What does IKEA furniture do if it's stolen?
A. It activates a shelf destruct sequence.

Q. What do you have to know to be a good realtor?
A. Lots.

A salesman approached a blonde and asked her if she'd like to buy a pocket calculator. The blonde replied, "No thanks, I already know how many pockets I have."

Q. Who was the hungry princess attracted to?
A. Sir Loin.

Q. Why did Cinderella get kicked off the team?
A. Because she always runs away from the ball.

Q. Which style of shoes should you wear while disecting a frog?
A. Open-toad.

Q. Why was the baker so scared?
A. He found himself in a loaf or death situation.

Q. Why was the baker so grumpy?
A. He woke up on the wrong side of the bread!

Q. Why did bread break up with margarine?
A. For a butter lover.

Q. Which is the smallest city?
A. Electri-City.

Q. What does a master electrician say to encourage his apprentice?
A. You conduit!

Electrical Words of Wisdom: Never trust an electrician with no eyebrows.

Q. What do you call an overweight gray alien?
A. The Extra Cholesterol.

Q. What do you call a little green man surfing the Internet in your garden?
A. Your brother-in-lawn.

Did you hear the latest UFO joke? Nevermind, it's over your head.

Did you hear about the Italian chef who had mushroom for improvement? He was a fungi, but of questionable morel character.

That Italian chef is really annoying. He's making a pesto himself.

Patient: Doc, what's wrong with me? My nose runs and my feet smell.
Doctor: You're upside down.

Stinking Punny Point to Ponder: How can feet smell if they don't have a nose?

Q. What did the optometrist say to the patient with three eyes?
A. Aye, Aye, Aye.

Q. What is an eye doctor's favorite dessert?
A. Eyes Cream.

Q. Which music genre appeals to cheese lovers?
A. R 'N Brie.

I walked up to the cheese counter in the store last week. I interrupted him and he had to start again...

Q. When should you go on a cheese diet?
A. When you need to cheddar few pounds!

Q. Why did the cell phone have to wear glasses?
A. Because it lost all of its contacts!

Looking for something to tickle her funny bone and put a glint in her eye? Just make a couple of hum-iris witticisms!

Q. Where is the eye located?
A. Between the H and the J.

Q. Why do magicians always do so well in school?
A. They're really good at trick questions!

Q. What is a blackboard's favorite drink?
A. Hot chalk-olate.

Q. What did the flet tip pen say to the pencil?
A. What's your point?

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