Q. How do beat cops greet people on the street?
A. Policed to meet you!

Q. What do non-vegans call a police officer in a sleeping bag?
A. Pig in a blanket.

Q. What did fans say when the comedy club abruptly shut down?
A. This is no laughing matter!

Stinking Funny Groaner: I don't mind the snoring, but the drool running down your chin while you're farting in your sleep is just too much.

Apt Apnea Anecdote: Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Snore, and you sleep alone.

Q. What do you call it when a tall Lego structure topples over?
A. Tumbling blocks.

Q. What is Deja Brew?
A. When you have to ask you buddy, "Hey, haven't we been to this pub pun before?"

Brewed Pun of the Day: Enjoying a beer is merely the pursuit of hoppiness!

Painful Groaner Moment: If at first you don't succeed, try a bottle opener. It probably wasn't a twist-top.

Q. What did Watson say about working with Sherlock?
A. There's no police like Holmes.

Knock, knock. Who's there?
Watson. Watson who?
Watson cable tonight?

Q. Wanna hear a really cold cop joke?
A. Freeze!

Q. Which word in the dictionary is a lot longer than it looks?
A. Rubberband – because it stretches.

Q. What did the shrink say to the guy who thought he was a rubber band?
A. Snap out of it!

Q. Which salesman has the slickest line?
A. The STP rep.

Pun of the Day: Did you hear about the dentist who was convicted of incisor trading?

Did you hear about the dentist who put braces on his patient as a stop-gap measure?

Biting Groan of the Day: Nobody knew she had a dental implant, until it came out in conversation.

A man fell in love with his donkey and decided to marry her. At the wedding, the minister said, "Well, this is refreshing. Usually it's the woman who marries the ass."

Q. How do you compliment a donkey?
A. Hay, nice ass!

Q. How do you insult a lazy mule?
A. Call him half-assed!

Q. What did the wife say after her husband told her he wanted to frame a picture of her breasts?
A. Okay, if I can take a pic of your penis and enlarge it.

Anti Pick-Up Line: Are you a picture frame? 'Cause all you do is sit on the couch and remind of times I'd rather forget.

Q. What do you call a hen with a piece of lettuce in her eye?
A. Chicken sees-a salad.

Q. What do you call a retired veggie?
A. A has bean.

Q. What do you call somebody who doesn't like green vegetables?
A. One who marches to a different beet.

Q. What is The Hulk's favorite part of this joke?
A. The Punch Line!

If you work in an office with The Hulk, never ask him for his three-hole punch!

Q. Why did the vegetarian stop running cross country?
A. He did not like the meets.

Running Wisdom: Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right running shoe is choosing the left one.

Q. What do you call a group of men waiting to get their hair cut?
A. A Barber-que!

Q. What's the worst aspect of sporting a beard?
A. Being confused with a hipster.

Q. What does a pirate wearing a monocle use to navigate the seven seas?
A. An Eye Chart.

Q. What is Conjunctivitis.eye?
A. A site for sore eyes.

Q. Why did the blonde only wear glasses while playing tennis?
A. Because tennis is a non-contact sport!

Q. How are mosquitoes just like cheesy puns?
A. Both are very annoying and the worst ones really bite!

Q. When should you go on a cheese diet?
A. When you need to cheddar few pounds!

Cheesy anti pick-up line: I like to party, and by party I mean stay in and order pizza.

You retina try to one-up these eye doctor puns lens you lose focus of iris humor.

Q. What does a patch-wearing pirate fear most while navigating polar seas?
A. Eyes Bergs!

Q. What is an eye doctor's favorite band?
A. The Black Eyed Peas.

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