Running Joke of the Day: News Flash! A man was shot with a starting pistol, then beaten to death with a relay baton. Police believe it may be race related.

A marathon runner walks into a bar. Bartender asks, "Why the long race?"

Q. When is the absolute worst time for a runner to have an erection?
A. During a relay race!

Running Wisdom: Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right running shoe is choosing the left one.

Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you.
– Some Blonde, Duh!

Q. What do you call a married couple who compete in the marathon side-by-side?
A. Running mates.

Q. What it is it called if you refuse to go running today?
A. Resistance Training!

Q. What is the creepiest thing about joggers?
A. They're always the ones who discover the dead body.

Q. Why did the barber win the race?
A. He took a short cut!

Q. Why are nuns such great sprint runners?
A. 'Cause they're used to being chaste.

Running Joke of the Day: Exercising religiously does not mean praying that your treadmill will crap out while you're running on it!

Q. Why did the guy decide not to donate a dime to any charity raising funds for a marathon?
A. Because they just take the money and run.

Q. Why did the vegetarian stop running cross country?
A. He did not like the meets.

Q. Why was the criminal dubbed the Beer Runner let go after being arrested for stealing 23 beers?
A. 'Cause the prosecutors didn't have a case.

Run like you stole something.
– Unknown

Q. Why was the marathon runner plucked out of the race and taken away to jail?
A. For resisting a rest.

Q. What did his wife give the guy when he came home all sweaty from his run?
A. The stink eye.

The only reason I took up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
– Erma Bombeck

Q. What do runners do when they forget something?
A. They jog their memory!

Did you hear about the blonde jogger who got tired while running in front of a car? Later when she ran behind it, she was exhausted. OUCH!

Running Point to Ponder: If all you do is a quick run on the treadmill, are you just going nowhere fast?

Q. Why are Scandinavians the fastest runners in the world?
A. Because they start out near the Finnish line.

Q. What do you call the mediocre new jogging machines at the gym?
A. Run of the mill.

Did you hear about the blonde marathon runner who ran for an hour, but only ran two feet? Well, Duh! She only had two feet!

Q. What do you call it when you heard the same jogger pun earlier, yet laughed again?
A. A running joke.

Two tomatoes went jogging. One trips and falls. The other tomato said, "Grab my Heinz and I'll help you up." Trippy tomato replies, "Nah, you go ahead. I'll ketchup."

Q. What happened after the woman bought a new smart watch that tracks her daily steps?
A. It was time to go.

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.
– Milton Berle

Q. If ten zombies run after you, what time is it?
A. Ten after one.

Q. What do you call it when you've choked on water while jogging every morning this week?
A. The worst running gag ever.

Q. What do you call it when a runner from Moscow starts a race at Red Square that ends in Finland?
A. Russian to the Finnish.

Shooting News of the Day: Did you hear about the guy who was shot by the starter pistol? Bystanders report it was race related.

The trouble with jogging is that ice falls out of your glass.
– Martin Mull

Q. What happens if you run in front of a car?
A. You get tired.

Q. Who was the fastest runner of all time?
A. Adam. He was the first in the human race.

Q. What does a runner lose after winning the race?
A. His breath.

Running Joke of the Day: I started jogging today. All kidding aside, I exercised restraint instead.

Q. What is it called when your girlfriend gives you a blowjob while you're on the treadmill?
A. The best running gag ever!

Q. What did the marathoner do after he won the race?
A. He decided to go into politics and run for office.

Q. How can you tell if you're in a mixed race family?
A. Your mom likes the relay, and your dad runs on about the Boaston Marathon.

Q. What do you call a free treadmill?
A. The Great Outdoors.

Runner's motivational mantra:
It's a hill; get over it!

Q. Why do dogs run in circles?
A. Because it's too hard to run in squares.

Q. Why wasn't the jogger all that bummed out when his girlfriend broke up with him?
A. 'Cause they had a good run.

Q. What do you call it when a high jumper tries too hard?
A. Overdoing it.

Q. What do you get when you run behind a car?
A. Exhausted!

Q. Why are joggers excused from jury duty?
A. Lawyers don't want to risk a runaway jury.

Q. Why was the Olympic runner still in bed?
A. He was fast asleep.

Q. Why do runners go jogging first thing in the morning?
A. They hope to finish before their brain realizes what they're doing.

Q. What might folks in Tokyo find between Godzilla's toes?
A. Slow runners.

Q. Which athlete wrote the book, Jumping for Exercise?
A. Lee Ping.

Marathon Painful Pun readers suffer in agony, as well. OUCH!

Q. Whcih kind of underwear do distance runners wear?
A. Marathongs.

Q. What is the definitive definition of macho?
A. A guy who jogs home after having a vasectomy.

Today's Running Joke: A guy bought a pricey new treadmill the other day. It's really giving him a run for the money.

Q. What do they call the marathon runner who only wins when it's pouring outdoors?
A. The raining champion.

Q. Why did the marathon runner sprint at the beginning of the race?
A. His pacemaker was malfunctioning.

Q. What did the blonde runner drink when she was in last place?
A. Ketchup.

Q. Why couldn't the garden gnome run in the marathon?
A. Because he's not part of the human race!

How do you know somebody has run a marathon? Don't worry, they'll tell you.
– Jimmy Fallon

Q. How do crazy runners go through the forest?
A. They take the psychopath!

Q. Why did the blonde run backward?
A. She wanted to gain weight.

Q. What do you call a guy who can't stop running along the beach?
A. Joggernaut.

Q. What do you call the punishment the crook was given, where he had to run on a treadmill while in lockup?
A. A run-on sentence.

Today's Fit Workout: I ran twice today! First, I ran out to get beer and tacos, then I had to run to the restroom.

Q. Why is it impossible to win a race against a runner from Finland?
A. 'Cause before you even start, they are already Finnish.

Fit Point to Ponder: Doc said I should I should exercise on top of a healthy diet. Wouldn't a treadmill make better sense?

Q. Why did the gnome barber win the race?
A. He took a short cut!

Q. Who invented marathon running?
A. The human race.

I still feel 30, except when I try to run.
– Bob Newhart

Q. Why can't tomatoes ever beat lettuce in a race?
A. Because lettuce is always a head, and tomatoes have to ketchup!

Q. What do runners eat before a big race?
A. Fast food.

Racy Turtle Joke of the Day: Rabbits hate relay batons. Pass it on!

Did you hear about the guy who decided to hop on a treadmill at the gym? People gave him weird looks, so he decided to run instead.

Q. How do you know you're a dedicated runner?
A. Your treadmill has more miles on it than your car does.

Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy gnome behind you.
– Some Blonde, Duh!

Q. Why do garden gnomes giggle when they run?
A. The grass tickles their balls.

Q. Which veggie won when the lettuce and carrot raced against the tortoise and the hare?
A. The lettuce was always a head.

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