Chimp says: Beer is my worst enemy, but the Bible says to love your enemy!   PainfulPuns.com - Bartender Puns, Beer Jokes, Bar Humor!

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Funny wine thought: Sometimes we all need a Riesling to be happy!
Chimp says: Love has four letters, but then again, so does beer!
Bartender says: "We don't serve time lords here." Time lord walks into a bar.
Where does garli go for a few drinks? A. The salad bar!
Happy Rye Day!

 


Funny Cocktail Jokes, Bar Puns, Drink Humor
Belly up to the bar for funny drinking jokes, heady beer puns, bar laughs and sloppy saloon puns.

Drinking Jokes, Bartender Puns, Drunk Humor
(Because Funny Drinking Jokes and Drink Puns Couldn't Be TOO Mainstream If You're Thirsty for Some Laughs!)
Warning: Proceed with Caution! Sassy bartender jokes, intoxicating humor, and mixed drinking puns ahead.
| Bar Jokes, Drinking Humor, Brewed Puns | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | Bar Pick-Up Lines |
| Beer Jokes | 2 | 3 | 4 | Colorado Craft Beer Jokes | Beer IS Better! | Bartender Puns | 2 | 3 |
| Cocktail Jokes | 2 | 3 | Spirited Liquor Puns | Vodka Jokes | Wry Whiskey Jokes | Drunk Puns |
| Wine Jokes, Vino Puns | 2 | 3 | Beverage Puns | Soda Funny | Coffee Puns, Java Jokes | 2 |
| Animal Walks Into the Bar Jokes | Space Bar Puns, Sci-Fi Bartender Jokes | Drunken Gnomes |

Past, Present & Future Walked Into a Bar. It Was Tense!A horse walks into a bar. Bartender asks: "So, why the long face?"Q. What happened to the lawyer who got tossed out of a saloon? A. He was disbarred.

A book walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Please, no stories!"

Two quotation marks "walk into" a bar.

Q. What did the bartender say to the chamelon that walked into the bar?
A. Okay, if your wife calls, I didn't see you.

A screwdriver walks into a bar. Bartender says, "We have a drink named after you." Screwdriver replies, "You have a drink named Stanley?"

Q. Why is beer better than a woman?
A. Because you can tap your keg any time you want.

A man walks into a bar owned by horses. The bartender asks, "Why the short face?"

A Shetland pony walks into a bar, has a few drinks, and leaves $10 on the bar. Bartender says, "Sorry pal, you're short."

A horse ambles into a bar. Bartender looks up and says, "Hey!" The horse replies, "Yes, you read my mind."

A potato walks into a bar. Yes, all eyes were on him!

I told myself that I should stop drinking. but I'm not about to listen to some dumb drunk who talks to himself.

A superconductor walks into a bar. Bartender says, "We don't serve superconductors here." The superconductor leaves without putting up any resistance.

Q. What did the bartender say to the dung beetle that walked into the bar?
A. Just pull up a stool.

The Number 13 walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Sorry, we can't serve you. You're under 21."

Q. What is it called when a fun guy ties his belt around a barroom seat and pulls it behind him?
A. A towed stool.

A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says: "$4." Duck replies: "Put it on my bill."When a bartender spilled a drink on his shirt, he said: "This one's on me1"Q. What did a grape say when an elephant stepped on it? A. Nothing. It just let out a little whine.

Q. What did the bartender say when an eel slid back into the bar?
A. "Oh, you're here for more, eh?"

A bat flies into a bar and asks for another drink. Bartender says, "There must be an echo in here."

A giraffe walks into a bar. "Sorry," said the bartender, "We don't serve Heineken here."

Q. Which brand of vodka do Canadians drink?
A. Grey Moose.

A giraffe walks into a bar and announces: "High balls on me!"

A cat walks into a bar. Then out of the bar. Then back in. Then out again...

Q. What did the martini say when somebody stuck a toothpick in it?
A. It hurts, but Olive!

Q. What happened when the bartender spilled the vodka?
A. It was an Absolut loss.

Did you hear about the guy who quit drinking liquor for good? Now he drinks for evil.

A German tourist orders a martini. Bartender asks, "Dry?" Confused, the German guy replies, "No, just one."

Q. How do you make the perfect martini?
A. Dump the gin, vermouth, and olives in the trash where they belong, and open a bottle of Jack Daniels!

Q. How does cabernet like to travel abroad?
A. On a cruise sip.

Q. Which superpower do wine lovers possess?
A. The super ability to make wine disappear.

Q. What did the vintage say when it won the race?
A. Cheers! I'm number wine!

Warning: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you are whispering, when you are NOT.

Q. What is a grape's favorite day of the week?
A. WinesDay!

A raisin wined about not acheiving grapeness.Drunk Pun: He carried rum over his head attempting to lift his spirits.Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was salted!

Q. How can you tell you drink too much wine?
A. The phlebotomist needs to use a corkscrew to get a blood sample from you.

Q. Do we feature painful wine puns here?
A. You can bet Shiraz we do!

A skunk walks into a crowded bar, and wonders where everybody went?

A mushroom walks into a bar. Bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here." The mushroom says, "Why not? I'm a fungi!"

A giraffe walked in to a bar. The bartender asked, "What's with the long face?"

An infinite number of mathematicians walked into a bar. First ordered a pint, second ordered a half-pint, third ordered a quarter-pint. Bartender gave them 2 pints and said, "You math geeks don't know your limit."

Beer Point to Ponder: If you put root beer in a square mug, do you get beer?

Q. Why is a beer better than religion?
A. You can prove you have a beer.

Q. What does a termite say when he walks into a bar?
A. Is the bar tender here?

Bar Fly Words of the Day: I am in a committed relationship – with Jose Cuervo.

Beer Fact of the Day: Beer is not the answer. Beer is the question. YES is the answer.

A guy and a giraffe walk into a bar. The giraffe gets drunk and passes out. Bartender says, "Hey, you can't leave that lyin' there." The guy replies, "that's not a lion, it's a giraffe."

Did you hear about the opticican? Two glasses, and he made a spectacle of himself.I used to work for Budweiser, but then I got canned.Go Gnome! The Party is Over!

Heady Beer Point to Ponder: To some, it's just a six-pack. To others, it's a support group!

Q. Why did the ladies really go for the hot craft beer meister?
A. Because he was lager than life.

Clue You're Drinking a Sudsy Craft Beer: For some reason, it's sold in the detergent aisle.

Bar Pick Up Line: Hey babe, I'm not drunk. I'm just intoxicated by your beauty.

Q. What is a standup comedian's least favorite kind of alcoholic beverage?
A. Booze!

Q. What do crafty Denverites call a group of young kids dressed like ghosts for Halloween?
A. A micro-boo-ery.

Beer Lover Wisdom: When I was young, I used to drink all kinds of beer. But, now I'm older Budweiser.

Today's Smart Beer Tip: Always remember it's I before E, unless it's Budweiser!

Q. What is Locutus' favorite Pilsner style beer from Denmark?
A. Carlsborg.

Two cannibals walk into a bar and sit next to a clown. First cannibal whacks the clown on the head with a beer bottle, and they both start eating the clown. Suddenly, the second cannibal looks up and says, "Hey, do you taste something funny?"

Q. How do women and whiskey age alike?
A. The packaging gets a little messed up, but the stuff inside stays pretty much the same.

A leprechaun walks into a bar. The bartender serves him and says, "That'll be $3." The leprechaun puts two dollar bills on the bar and starts walking away. The barkeep shouts, "You're a little short!"

A goldfish walks into a bar and looks at the bartender. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The goldfish says, "Water."

Warning: Het ovre sumpcontion of ahcolol may cause pryctic text massages. EW!

Q. What's the difference between a stunning gown and a bottle of Smirnoff?
A. The gown can make one girl look gorgeous, but vodka can make all the ladies look Russian.

Q. Which morning after vodka cocktail must you enjoy with a close friend nearby?
A. A Buddy Mary.

| Bar Jokes, Drinking Humor, Brewed Puns | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | Bar Pick-Up Lines |
| Beer Jokes | 2 | 3 | 4 | Colorado Craft Beer Jokes | Beer IS Better! | Bartender Puns | 2 | 3 |
| Cocktail Jokes | 2 | 3 | Spirited Liquor Puns | Vodka Jokes | Wry Whiskey Jokes | Drunk Puns |
| Wine Jokes, Vino Puns | 2 | 3 | Beverage Puns | Soda Funny | Coffee Puns, Java Jokes | 2 |
| Animal Walks Into the Bar Jokes | Space Bar Puns, Sci-Fi Bartender Jokes | Drunken Gnomes |
| Restaurant Jokes | Pizza Puns | Burger Jokes | Hot Dog Humor | Snack Puns | Munchies Jokes |


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