Warning: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to believe you are invisible – or even worse, bulletproof!

Drunk Fact of the Day: Alcohol is never the answer, but it does make the question go away.

Roll of duct tape walks into a bar. Bartender asks, "What can I get you?" Duct tape says, "I'll just stick to my usual."

Drinking Fact of the Day: You should limit your alcohol consumption to days that start with T: Tuesday, Thursday, Today, Tomorrow.

A bee walks into a bar. Bartender mockingly says, "What'll it BEE pal?" The bee sneers, "Why don't you just buzz off?"

Tree walks into a bar. Bartender says, "You better leave." When the tree doesn't leaf, the barman says, "You must take me for a sap!" Tree replies, "Stop barking and pour me a logger!"

Drunken Point to Ponder: When the Hulk goes off in a rage and destroys everything in sight, he's Incredible. But when Bruce Banner does that, he has a drinking problem?

Q. Why do winos love cheap wine puns?
A. Because wine snobs hate them!

"I cook with food. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
– W.C. Fields

Q. How do you know vino is fickle?
A. It's motto is: Love the Wine Your With.

Fine Wine Pick-Up Line: Hey babe, I'd like to go inside your cellar and pull me out a stiff one!

Forgive me, for I have zinned!

Every box of raisins is a tragic tale of grapes that could have become wine.

Q. Why was the white wine's off-beat pun so boo-ed?
A. Because it was too corky.

Q. What did the wise aged bottle of wine say to the bottle of wine that lost its cork?
A. Don't worry. Everything happens for a Riesling.

A meal without wine is called breakfast.

Q. How do penguins take their bar drinks?
A. On the rocks.

Autocorrect changed Morning Run to Morning Rum. Change of plans, guys.

A roll of tape walks into a bar. Bartender asks, "What would you like?" The tape says, "Make it a Scotch."

Drunken Asshole Words of the Day: I like my women like I like my whiskey – light brown, from the South, and kept in a lightless cabinet only to be taken out on special occasions.

Q. What is the most popular cocktail at the mollusk saloon?
A. The Rusty Snail.

This may be the beer talking, but I'd like another beer.

Q. Why did the talkative blonde order the house draft beer for the whole table?
A. Because a pitcher is worth a thousand words!

Beer is like pouring smiles on your brain.

Q. How is a beer better than a woman?
A. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer!

Hopped Up Point to Ponder: How can beer make you dumb, if it made Budweiser?

I told my wife that a man is like fine wine; husbands get better with age. The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.

It's Daylight Saving Time! So remember to change your wine clock from red to white!

Life is too short to drink bad wine.

A nun walks into a bar with her clothes on inside out. When the bartender asked her about it, she replied, "It's a bad habit."

How Merlot can you go?

Q. What did the bartender say after the beaver walked into his bar?
A. Please shut the dam door!

I give in to Beer Pressure.

Q. How is a beer better than a woman?
A. You can share a beer with a friend!

There are no strong beers, only weak men.

Warning: The consumption of alcohol may make you wonder where the hell your pants are!

Don't cry over spilled milk. It could have been beer.

A giraffe walks into a bar. "Sorry", said the bartender, "We don't serve Heineken here."

Deja Brew: Haven't we heard this pub pun before?

Q. How is a beer better than a woman?
A. If you pour a beer well, you always get good head.

A. The answer is BEER! Nobody ever cares what the question is!

The Measles walks into a bar. Bartender announces, "Free shots for everybody!"

Drunken Fact of the Day: Vodka is made from potatoes. Potatoes are vegetables. Vegetables are good for you!

Bartender Fact of the Day: Bartenders do it on the rocks!

Q. What do you get if you plant pumpkin spice latte and water it with vodka?
A. A sorority!

They're filming a new Renee Zellweger movie in Cuba. It's called "Bridget Jones Daiquiri."

A banana walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, pal, but you've got to split."

Pick Up a Bartender Line: Hey babe, here's a tip for you, you should go out with me!

An alien, an astronaut, and a comet walk into a bar. Bartender says, "You're out of this world."

An alien walks into a bar hoping to meet someone out of this world...

Alcohol Point to Ponder: Time is never wasted if you're wasted all the time!

A drunken man gets on a bus, staggers down the aisle, and sits next to an old lady. She looks at him and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell." The drunk jumps up and screams, "Whoa, I'm on the wrong bus!"

Q. What did the guy think when the drunken ventriloquist said she wanted to sleep with the bartender?
A. He didn't know if it was she or the beer talking.

Q. What does a cat lady say on Friday night?
A. I am drinking wine and feline fine!

She: "I love you so much, I could never live without you." He: "Is that you talking, or the wine?" She: It's me, talking to the wine!"

Q. Which day of the week do vintners celebrate?
A. Winesday!

Q. Where does wine catch up on all the vineyard dirt?
A. Through the grapevine.

Q. Which sports team do wine lovers always root for?
A. The Reds!

Q. What did the over-enthusiastic party goer say to the host at midnight?
A. Mind if I hang over at your place in the morning?

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