Q. What do Coloradans call it when they're stuck in a polar vortex without any beer?
A. Cold sober.

Heady Thought of the Day: I'd rather be full of beer than full of sh*t.

Q. How is a beer better than a woman?
A. Beer likes to go fishing, plus beer never fishes for compliments!

Six-Pack Point to Ponder: Beer runs. Does that count as exercise?

Q. How is a bottle of beer better than a woman?
A. Beer is always easy to pick up.

True Story: Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer.

A blind pirate walks into a restaurant bar, a stool, a table. Bar wench says, "We can sea-t you here."

A shoe salesman, a pirate, and a clown jog into a bar. The bartender says, "What? Is this some kind of a joke about La Feet?"

Q. Why was the pirate a natural to be a bar owner?
A. He had a keg leg.

Q. What does a pirate call two beer drinkers arguing about sea turtles?
A. Lager-heads at loggerheads about Loggerheads.

Q. What was the one-legged pirate's job at the brewery?
A. He was in charge of the hops.

A tongue walks into a bar and yells out, "I can lick anyone here!" EW!

Q. Why should they allow beer drinking at work?
A. Beer is an incentive to show up.

Bar Chat Up Line: You ordered me a Pilsner? You know I like hoppy beer!

Brewed Point to Ponder: Dinosaurs had no beer. How did that work out?

A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw."

A bathroom scale walks into a bar. Bartender says, "I'll be with you in a minute. Scale replies, "I can weight."

Brewed Fact of the Day: A man's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Q. Why should they allow beer drinking at the workplace?
A. It reduces stress.

A hamburger walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve burgers here." Hamburger replies, "That's okay, I only want a beer."

More Reasons to Love Beer: Beer doesn't ask silly questions, and beer understands.

All you need is love ... and a bottle of wine!

Q. When should you have your first glass of wine of the day?
A. At wine o'clock.

I drink coffee because I need it, and I drink wine because I deserve it!

Warning: The consumption of alcohol may explain the multiple mystery rug burns on your knees, elbows, and forehead.

Q. What are Moms made of?
A. Coffee, wine, and everything fine.

Q. What is an apt name for a bartender who only makes martinis?
A. Oliver Twist.

A rope ties itself into a tight tangle, walks into a bar, and orders, "Beer please." Bartender says, "Why knot?"

Bartender Pick Up Line: Hey babe, is your name Toddy? 'Cause you sure are hot.

Some things are better left unsaid, but I'll probably get drunk on Xmas and say them anyway.

Ham and Eggs walk into a bar. Bartender says, "Hey, we don't serve breakfast here."

Q. What is the definition of a successful hunting trip?
A. When three men manage to kill nine cases of beer in two days.

Q. How is a beer better than a woman?
A. A beer never gets a headache, although it may give you a headache in the morning.

A man walks into a bar. He says, "Ouch!"

I'm a wine enthusiast. The more wine I drink, the more enthusiastic I get.

Somebody mentioned I could make ice cubes out of leftover wine. I'm confused. What's leftover wine?

Wine Lovers Thought of the Day: Where there's wine, there's a way.

Q. How did the vineyard launch the new champagne making business?
A. They crashed a small boat into it.

I only drink on days that begin with T. Tuesday, Thursday, Today, Tomorrow...

A pile of trash walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Hey, didn't I throw you out yesterday?"

Q. What does a man have in common with a bottle of beer?
A. They're both empty from the neck up.

Brew Pub Fact of the Day: When Chuck Norris walks into a bar, the beer starts to run!

Q. How can you spot the girl who drank an entire bottle of wine?
A. She's the one dancing like a stripper.

My wife hates it when I mess with her red wine. I added fruit and orange juice, and now she sangria than ever!

Fine Wine Pick-Up Line: Hey there Red, would you like to plant a vineyard on me?

Q. What do you call the guy who chooses a suitable fortified Spanish wine?
A. A Sherry Picker.

WARNING: The consumption of wine might cause you to think you can sing!

Fine Wine Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, Wow! And I thought my wine had nice legs!

Last Saturday I yelled to my neighbor, "What in the world are you doing on my roof?" He hollered back, "Earlier, I saw you at the bar, and you said the drinks were on the house!"

Q. What happened when a five-dollar bill walked into the bar?
A. Bartender said, "Sorry, this is a singles bar."

Wine Point to Ponder: It's funny how breaking a wine glass gives you good luck, breaking a mirror gives you seven years of bad luck, and breaking a condom gives you...

Q. How can you tell if a Klingon warrior has true honor?
A. After the blood wine is rolled out, he's always the designated driver.

A guy walks into a bar. Bartender asks, "How's it going?" Guy replies, "Okay, I guess. Holding my own." "That's good," says the bartender, "You'd get arrested if you held somebody else's."

Beer-Tender Fact of the Day: Wise men drink wine. Budweiser men drink beer.

Q. What happened when Gold walked into the bar?
A. The bartender yelled, "AU, get out!"

Q. Why did the ladies really go for the hot craft beer meister?
A. Because he was lager than life.

Brewed Fact of the Day: In the USA, Moosehead is a beer. In Canada, moosehead is a misdemeanor. Eh, Ew!

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