Q. What Did the Coach Say to His Losing Team of Snakes? A. You Can't Venom All!   PainfulPuns.com - Frightful Puns, Scary Jokes, Deadly LOL!

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Q. What do they call a soccer game ref in Transylvania? A. A Vumpire!
Just Say Gnome to Steroids!
You might be from Colorado if you'd rather run with the squatch, than run away!
Hulk Asks: What do you call a workout facility infested with harmful bugs? A. A germ-nasium!

Q. How do you kow you have a female umpire? A. She remembers ....arguments from previous games!
Hulk Asks: What do you get if you cross a body builder and a peeping Tom? A. Amazing Peeks!
Green alien says: Space aliens are Broncos fans because Denver is a mile cloer to home!
Q. What do you call a donkey on steroids? A. An ass-teroid!

Q. What is an elephant's favorite sport? A. Squash.
Hulk Asks: What do you call the heavy breathing someone makes while trying to hold a yoga pose? A. Yoga Pants!


Scary Athlete Jokes, Frightful Sporting Event Humor
Play along with vampire baseball puns, zombie football humor, and ghoulish athletic jokes.

Scary Sports Jokes and Spooky Sportsman Puns
(Because Eerie Team Spirit Jokes and Soccer Ghoul Puns Could Never Be TOO Mainstream At the He's Dead Jim!)
Warning: Proceed with Caution! Ghoulish gym jokes, horror-able hiking humor, and tennis corpse puns dead ahead.
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Q. What is a vampire's favorite game? A. Batminton!
Q. Where do ghosts play tennis? A. On a tennis corpse!
Q. How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? A. Every night he turns into a bat!

Q. Why do birdies hate Badminton?
A. Being shuttlecocked sounds terrifying!

Q. Why don't skeletons ever play badminton?
A. They have no body to play with!

Q. What is a bat's favorite court sport?
A. Batminton.

Net Groan of the Day: My pet, Minton, made a racket eating a birdie. Bad, Bat, Minton!

Q. Why don't they play cricket in China?
A. 'Cause somebody would eat the bat.

Q. How are a crummy NFL football team and a zombie different?
A. One is the walking dead and the other gets killed on the road.

Q. Why don't skeletons play NFL football?
A. They are big-boned enough, but they just don't have the heart for it.

Q. What do you get when you cross an NFL running back and the Invisible Man?
A. Scoring like no one has ever seen!

Q. What is a ghost's favorite spot on a football field?
A. Between the ghoul posts.

Q. Do the Walking Dead play NFL football?
A. Yes! They play offense 'cause that's what to do in Denver when your're dead.

Q. Why did they call the vampire player the Love Master?
A. Because he sucks at tennis.

Q. Where does Hogzilla show up to play tennis?
A. At the food court.

Q. Why do some people dislike tennis?
A. Because it's a wacky sport.

Q. Where do zombies tee off?
A. At the golf corpse.

Q. Why didn't the skeleton like to play golf?
A. His heart was not in it.

Q. Which scary monster always shoots one over par on every round of golf?
A. The Bogey Man.

Q. Why shouldn't you golf in the jungle?
A. There are too many cheetahs there.

Q. Why did the big scary ape spend so much time on the golf course?
A. He was perfecting his swing.

Q. If ten zombies run after you, what time is it?
A. Ten after one.

Q. What is the creepiest thing about joggers?
A. They're always the ones who discover the dead body.

Q. What do you get if cross a baseball player and a monster?
A. A double header!

Q. Why did the peewee league baseball team recruit a tiny ghost?
A. 'Cause they needed a little team spirit.

Q. Why did the vampire slugger strike out?
A. He used the wrong bat!

Q. Why was the mummy added to the baseball game as a pinch hitter?
A. 'Cause the manager knew he could wrap it up.

Q. Which mammals make the best mascots for a baseball team?
A. Bats.

Q. Why are so many baseball games played at night?
A. Because bats are nocturnal.

Q. Why did The Witches lose their last baseball game?
A. 'Cause all their bats flew away!

Q. Where do bats perfect their baseball skills?
A. At the batting cages.

Q. Which position does the son of Dracula play on the baseball team?
A. Bat boy.

Q. Why are spiders great tennis players? A. Because they have great topspin!
Q. Whare do vampires like to go fishing? A. In the blood stream!
McCoy Says: Yes, Klingons do work out at the He's Dead Gym!

Q. What is a ghost soccer player's best position?
A. Ghoulie.

Q. What did the mummy coach say to the ghoul's soccer team?
A. Okay, let's wrap up this game!

Q. Why did the vampire suck at soccer?
A. His fang was not in it.

Q. Which scary animals actually make the best soccer players?
A. Score-pions!

Q. Which kind of dinosaur was a soccer referee?
A. The Bronto-score-us.

Q. What is it called when the dinosaur on the soccer team makes a goal?
A. A Dino-Score!

Q. Why wasn't the skeleton any good at soccer?
A. His heart just wasn't in it.

Q. What is a ghost soccer player's best position?
A. Ghoulie.

Q. If eleven zombies are running after you on a soccer field, what time is it?
A. Eleven after one.

Q. Why don't witches go fishing?
A. Because they can only cast spells.

Q. Where do demons and ghouls go white water rafting?
A. The River Styx.

Q. What do you call a fisherman with a large, scary flatfish on his head?
A. Ray!

Q. Which kind of dinosaur enjoyed fishing for Kraken?
A. Sea-Rex.

Q. What frightful thing did the fisherman get when he crossed a fishing lure with a gym sock?
A. A hook, line, and stinker!

Q. Which scary villain lurks at the bottom of the sea?
A. Jack the Kipper.

Q. How do you avoid getting swallowed by a river while white water rafting in Colorado?
A. Stay away from the river's mouth.

Q. What do hikers call it when big hairy spiders unexpectedly rain down out of the sky near Four Corners, Colorado?
A. A tarantula downpour!

Q. What is a mortician's favorite workout at the gym?
A. Deadlifting.

Q. What is an athletic zombie's favorite gym exercise?
A. Un-deadlifts.

Q. Why did Satan open a gym?
A. So he could exercise his demons.

Q. Why did a priest open a gym across the street from Satan's Fitness Center?
A. To exorcise his demons.

Q. What is the biggest fear of an obese ghost?
A. Being exercised.

Deadly Funny Gym Workout Wisecrack: Somebody call the Coroner! I just killed my workout!

Q. How did T-Rex feel after his last killer workout?
A. Dino-sore!

Q. What is the name of the hottest bowling team on the Death Star?
A. The Empire Strikes Back.

Q. Where do green aliens go for a good workout?
A. Planet Fitness

Q. What is a vampire's favorite sport? A. Casketball!
Q. What did the dentist say to the hockey player? A. You have nice even teet. Unfortunately, you're missing 1, 3, and 5!
What is the last site where a boxer fights? His final wresting place!

Q. Which violation do ghosts get called for most often in basketball?
A. Ghoul tending.

Q. Which scary animals are best at basketball?
A. Score-pions!

Q. What do you get if you cross a basketball and a big scary snake?
A. A bouncing baby boa!

Q. What do a rabid rabbit and a basketball player have in common?
A. Mad hops.

Q. Why are spiders such great basketball players?
A. Because they're all eight-footers!

Q. Which sport are vampire bats best at?
A. Casketball.

Q. Why was the basketball court so slippery?
A. Because all the zombie players were dribbling on it.

Q. Why are zombie hordes so bad at basketball?
A. 'Cause they're always traveling.

Q. Which superhero is the best at basketball?
A. Spider-Man, because he has the best fade-away.

Q. Why is basketball the messiest sport?
A. Because the zombie players dribble all over the court.

Q. What does a skeleton drive into a hockey game?
A. The Zam-Bony!

Q. Why don't zombies play hockey?
A. They're cold-hearted, but they jost don't have the brains for it.

Q. Why wouldn't the skeleton go to a Denver Avalanche game?
A. Because he had no body to go with.

Q. What's the difference between a ghoulish hockey game and a monster wrestling match?
A. In hockey, the fights are real!

Q. Why can't you play hockey with scary wild boars?
A. Because they hog the puck.

Q. Why don't skeletons ski the black diamond runs at Copper Mountain?
A. They've got soul, but they just don't have the heart for it.

Q. What do you get if you cross a ski instructor and a vampire?
A. Frostbite.

Q. What is a cyclops' favorite winter activity?
A. Sking. That's like skiing, but only with one eye.

Q. What do you call the wailing banshee's basketball team that cries after they lose the game?
A. A bawl club.

Q. What do you call ten monster boxers in a row?
A. The punch line!

Q. What do a pro boxer and Dracula's girlfriend have in common?
A. Both go down for the count.

Q. What was engraved on the boxer's headstone?
A. You can stop counting now. I'm not getting up.

Q. What happened when the boxer fought his own clone?
A. The resemblance was striking.

Q. Why do young zombie players boxers so well in school?
A. Because they know how to use their heads!

Q. Why did the hobbit try to ruin the boxing match?
A. 'Cause he wanted to destroy the ring!

Q. What is the scariest thing about becoming a pro alligator wrestler?
A. You have to start as an amatuer alligator wrestler first.

Q. What do crazed vegan zombie athletes eat?
A. GggRrrAaaIiiiNnnSss!

Q. What might folks in Tokyo find between Godzilla's toes?
A. Slow runners.

Did you hear about the blonde water polo player? Her horse drowned!
Never go hiking with a serial killer in Colorado! Just give hm free reign on the psycho path!
Q. What does an exhibitionist snake wear to the beach? A. A Pything!

Q. Why didn't the busty blonde doing the backstroke panic when she saw a shark fin nearby?
A. Duh, 'cause it was a man-eating shark!

Q. Why do sharks always swim circles around humans before eating them?
A. Because they taste better if you scare the shit out of them first!

Q. Why did the shark keep swimming around in circles?
A. 'Cause it had a nosebleed.

Q. Which vacation is more expensive than swimming with dolphins?
A. Swimming with sharks. That costs an arm and a leg.

Q. Why did the sychronized swimming team all drown?
A. Apparently, one of them had a heart attack.

Q. How did the old swimmer die?
A. He had a stroke.

Q. Why was the serial killer such a lousy bowler?
A. He preferred to gut her.

Local Colorado Gossip of the Day: Did you hear about the kidnapping on Pike's Peak? It's okay he woke up!

Q. Why don't mummies like to go camping in the Colorado Rockies?
A. They're afraid to relax and unwind.

Q. What should you do if you actually find Bigfoot while hiking in Colorado?
A. Scream, and run for your life, but pause to take a selfie, first!

Q. What does Bigfoot say when he sees Colorado campers in sleeping bags?
A. Yum, Hot Pockets!

Q. What's the difference between a man camping and a Pike National Forest Sasquatch?
A. One's covered in matted hair and smells bad. The other has big feet.

Q. What do you call it when a voyeur Bigfoot spies on horny campers in sleeping bags?
A. Going Sacks-Watching!

Q. What steps should you take if you see a scary mountain lion while hiking on Pike's Peak?
A. Very large ones.

Q. How do you define pathological if you're hiking near Steamboat Springs?
A. A reasonable way to go...

Q. What do Colorado brown bears call campers in sleeping bags?
A. Soft Tacos!

Q. Where do zombies like to go swimming?
A. The Dead Sea.

Q. Where do scary ghosts like to swim?
A. Lake Eerie.

Q. Why do Ghostbusters stick together when they swim in the river?
A. 'Cause none of them wants to be across the stream.

Q. Why do big scary spiders make surprisingly good swimmers?
A. 'Cause they have webbed feet.

Q. Why did the spider take swimming lessons?
A. She wanted to surf the web!

Q. What do you call a guy who escaped from cannibals with no arms and no legs out in the swimming pool?
A. Bob.

Q. Why don't cannibals ever swim on a full stomach?
A. Because it's easier to swim in water.

Q. How do veterinarians treat a big scary crocodile who has trouble swimming?
A. With a medicine for e-reptile-dysfunction.

Q. Where do monsters like to go hiking?
A. Death Valley.

When I came out of te gym, a cop asked me where I got that body. I said, "I don't know, I just opened the trunk and whe was there!"
Q. Why did Dracula quit the baseball team? A. Because they'd only let him be bat boy!
Cheesehead Hulk asks: What stinks worse, muenster or horse crap? Go Broncos!

Gym Factoid: Did you realize that Dr. Frankenstein was actually the first bodybuilder?

Q. What was Dracula's title after he won the bodybuilding competition over his bloody stiff competitors?
A. The Champ-ire!

Q. Why didn't the dinosaur go to the gym?
A. 'Cause he did not believe in the survival of the fittest. OUCH!

Ripping Fitness Philosophy Failure: I've accepted the fact that being cremated is the only way I'll ever have a smokin' hot body.

Ghastly Fitness Point to Ponder: Wouldn't excercise be more fun if calories screamed when you burned them?

Q. What is the best protein a bodybuilder could possibly eat?
A. Another bodybuilder.

Q. Why do cross-fit gyms have chalk?
A. So you can mark where the bodies fall.

Q. What does Bigfoot do for exercise?
A. Sas-squats!

Q. Why are ghosts so good at sports?
A. They have team spirit!

Q. How do crazy runners go through the forest?
A. They take the psychopath!

Q. Why don't they play baseball in the jungle?
A. Because there are so many cheetahs there!

Q. Why was a tiny ghost invited to play on the NFL football squad?
A. They needed a little team spirit.

Q. What happened after some cub scouts found a bat in a cave?
A. They decided to play baseball.

Q. Where do vampire baseball players clean up after a winning night game?
A. In the bat tub.

Q. What has 18 legs, spits a lot, and catches flies?
A. A baseball team.

Q. What happens if you read too many frightful Painful baseball Puns?
A. You're left in stitches.

Q. Why should China have a national championship baseball team?
A. 'Cause they could easily eliminate everybody else with just one bat.

Q. Where do zombies with no arms and no legs play their championship baseball game?
A. Wrigley Field.

Q. What do you get if you cross a baseball player and the Invisible Man?
A. Pitching like you've never seen before.

Q. Why did a boy hang upside down from the dugout ceiling?
A. He really wanted to be the bat boy.

Q. Which sport requires that players have monster-sized lower limbs?
A. Major-leg baseball.

Q. Why do the lady ghosts love baseball?
A. Because diamonds are a ghoul's best friend!

Q. Why don't skeletons play baseball for the home team?
A. Because home is where the heart is, and they don't have the hearts.


Q. Do the Walking Dead play NFL football?
A. They do! They play offense 'cause that's something to do in Denver when your're dead.

Q. Why doesn't Bigfoot play for the Denver Broncos?
A. Because Sasquatch is afraid of clowns!

Q. How do you know Bigfoot isn't a Denver Broncos' fan?
A. He has not been seen anywhere near Empower Stadium.

Q. Why isn't Sasquatch a Denver Broncos fan this year?
A. 'Cause he can't face big da feet!

Q. What do you call blonde Denver Broncos fans on a Zombie walk?
A. Nightmares.

Q. When do vampires descend into Mile High Field?
A. Only if the game is neck and neck.

Q. What is it called when a dinosaur makes a touchdown?
A. A dino-score.

Q. Which kind of dinosaur played NFL football?
A. The Bronco-score-us.

Q. Why don't zombies play NFL football?
A. They do! They play defense for Denver.

Q. Which is a zombie's favorite football team?
A. Washington Deadskins.

Q. What do a crummy football team and a possum have in common?
A. Both play dead and get killed on the road

Q. What happens right before old football players die?
A. They go into the end zone.

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