Q. What's the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
A. One treats what you have, and the other thinks you have what he treats.

Q. What's a shrink's fave day of the week?
A. Freud Day.

Patient: Doctor, you've got to help me. I think I'm a kleptomaniac.
Shrink: Don't worry. There's something you can take for that!

Losing your head in an emergency is a no brainer.

Q. Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
A. They're cheaper than day rates.

Q. Why are chemists great at solving problems?
A. They know all the solutions.

Q. What did the chemist say when he found two isotopes of helium?
A. HeHe!

Chemist Pick-Up Line: You must be a compound of beryllium and barium because you're a total BaBe!

Q. Which salesman has the slickest line?
A. The STP rep.

Q. What has 142 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk?
A. His Zipper!

Q. What did the carpet salesman give his wife on their anniversary?
A. Rugs and kisses.

Q. What should a masseur do when he's paid up front?
A. Take the money and rub!

Workers in the upholstery factory demanded a wage hike to cushion the rising cost of living.

Q. Which kind of television shows do sofa designers watch for inspiration?
A. Sitcoms.

Q. Why did the upholsterer get fired from the furniture factory?
A. Because he couldn't chair less.

Q. Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom?
A. Because the P is silent.

Did you hear about the constipated composer? He had problems with his last movement.

Did you hear about the plumbers who went to Vegas to play some craps? They were on a real roll until their luck crapped out.

Q. What is it called when one butcher spies on another?
A. A steak out.

Q. What happened when the butcher laughed too hard?
A. He cow-lapsed.

Q. Where do bachelor butchers go to dance on Saturday nights?
A. The Meet Ball.

Q. How many cover blurb writers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. A vast and teeming horde stretching from sea to shining sea!

Q. What do you get when you cross a sports reporter with a vegetable?
A. Common tater!

#2 Writer's Rule: Avoid cliches like the plaque!

Old journalists never die. They just get de-pressed.

Gnome bull! This job description is a real stinker and the pay is sh*tty.

Q. Why did the gringo give up his dream to become a bullfighter?
A. Because he didn't speak Spanish and bullfighting is dangerous enough without having to use an English-to-Spanish dictionary.

Q. What did the torreador eat after he won the bullfight?
A. Rocky Mountain Oysters.

Q. What is the technical name for coffee at the mechanic's shop?
A. Brake fluid!

Q. What did the barista's Valentine say?
A. I can't espresso my love for you!

If you say "Pumpkin Spice Latte" three times, a girl in yoga pants will appear and tell you all the good things about fall.

Q. How does an evil sorcerer like his coffee?
A. The same way he likes his magic, dark.

Shoe Salesman Wisdom: Never tell a woman she can't purse-shoe her dreams!

I bought shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day!

Q. What does a cobbler use to repair shoes?
A. Toe Nails!

Q. What did the shoe repair business owner call his business partner?
A. Sole Mate.

Call me an ambulance!
You're an ambulance.

EMT Pick-Up Line: Sit back and relax 'cause I fix broken hearts.

EMT Pick-Up Line: Babe, those clothes look uncomfortable. Let me cut them off you.

Pick-Up an EMT Line: If I go into cardiac arrest, will you give me mouth-to-mouth?

EMT Pick-Up Line: We always come when we are called.

Fitness Gnome is here to serve you, no matter what kind of shape you're in, or what you're wearing, or gnot!

Fashion Designer Tip: There's a fine line between Indie and looking homeless.

Q. Why do some people reject skinny jeans?
A. Because they just can't get into them.

Q. Why did the emo girl dress all in black?
A. Because her fashion sense was second to nun.

Thanks for stopping by and see you again soon!

Join us on social media and please feel free to share our memes with friends and family:

©2017-2021 Painfulpuns.com All rights reserved.