Q. Where do people who have eaten too many Big Macs go in the afterlife?
A. Burger-tory.

The harried hamburger chef was so worried about the grill, that he put everything else on the back burner.

Did you hear about the organic herb farmer who was accused of dilly dallying by his wife, Rosemary, while he spent too much thyme trying to become a true sage?

Foodie Point to Ponder: At our local diner, you can eat dirt cheap. But, who wants to eat dirt?

Today's Culinary Beet: If you can't sing with a mouth full of garbanzo beans, just hummus a tune.

Q. What do you call a bunch of rock
musicians in a hot tub?
A. Vegetable Soup.

Customer: There's a fly in my soup.
Waiter: Couldn't be, sir. The chef used them all in the raisin bread.

Customer: There's a twig in my soup.
Waiter: One moment. I'll get the branch manager.

Fed Up Foodie Funnies: Have a knife day! See you spoon! Oh, just fork off already!

Q. What did one plate say to another?
A. Lunch is on me.

Q. What did the astronomer-turned-chef call his forks, bowls, knives, tongs and colanders?
A. Gastronomical objects.

Q. What do you call a bib that's sleeping?
A. A napkin.

The terrorist chef's oven was a weapon of mass convection.

Q. Why doesn't McDonald's serve escargot?
A. Snails are not fast food and nobody's got slime for that!

Q. What kind of race car did the chef drive?
A. A souped-up vehicle!

When the waiter spilled a drink on his shirt, the customer said, "Well, I guess this one's on me?"

Q. Why was the floundering seafood restaurant allowed to cook its books?
A. There's no accounting for taste!

Q. What do you call it when you get distracted by all the different meats in the deli?
A. A short attention spam.

Q. Who wrote the book, Fry Bread and Spam?
A. Lawyer turned author, Dr. Sues.

Wouldn't you think there'd be a whole lot more online chef jokes about Spam?

Cooking Point to Ponder: Can free range chicken be cooked on a stove you bought?

Q. How do you know you're getting close to a snack food factory?
A. Because of all the chips and dips in the road.

Q. Why should you always bring a bag of tortilla chips to a party?
A. In queso emergency.

Q. What is a zombie's favorite cold snack?
A. A handshake.

Q. Why do girls scouts sell cookies?
A. They wanna make a sweet first impression so you'll come back for Samoas.

Q. Which kind of bird is present at every meal?
A. A swallow!

Q. What do veggie bulbs use as spending money?
A. Garlic Bread.

Baked Up Gossip: Did you hear about the two loaves of bread who wanted to get married? Finally they just e-loafed!

Q. Why do girls scouts sell cookies?
A. They wanna make a sweet first impression so you'll come back for S'mores.

Holiday Bakery News: The gingerbread man thought he couldn't be caught – until he met his baker.

Q. What do they serve for lunch at the comedian workshop?
A. Hamburger puns.

Q. Where was the guy when he saw a horde of pale, emaciated figures with haunted eyes that show the agony of living death?
A. At a vegan restaurant.

Q. What is it called when you cut up a long hero sandwich into several pieces?
A. A sub-division.

Q. How can you tell the Thanksgiving chefs are have a very serious discussion?
A. They're talking turkey.

Q. What is an occasion for burping?
A. A Tupperware party!

Q. Why did the dairy farmer feed his cows money?
A. Because he wanted rich milk.

I don't buy fat-free milk because I don't want to contribute to cows having body image issues.

Yesterday, my refrigerator thought it was a microwave. We got into a heated fight, but now everything is cool again.

Q. Why did the woman throw out her toaster that kept burning bread?
A. Because she was black toast intolerant!

Q. What do you call it when a supermarket only sells beverages in bottles?
A. Totally un-canny.

Q. Why was the restaurant called Out of This World?
A. Because it was famous for unidentified frying objects.

Q. What is a chef's favorite dystopian movie?
A. The Hunger Games.

To have a successful luau, you have to go whole hog.

Q. What do you call a gleaming frying pan that's illuminated by the restaurant's roof window?
A. A skylit skillet.

Q. Why did the guys quit when they got hungry while only halfway through waxing the car?
A. They stopped to polish off lunch.

Q. How did the food company come up with the best new pizza sauce recipe?
A. They gathered raw data they could pour over.

Q. How are music producers and a pizzeria business alike?
A. Both make dough from mixers.

Q. What is that new movie that's set in a pizza parlor about?
A. A slice of life.

Customer: Do you have spaghetti on the menu today?
Waiter: No, I cleaned it off.

Two men were sitting at the diner's bar. First guy says, "I eat at a different restaurant every day." The other guy replies, "Oh, yeah, I don't tip either."

Morning Meal Pont to Ponder: Is eating breakfast in front of the TV at the same time every day actually breakfast cereal?

Q. What does Shrek like for breakfast?
A. Eggs Ogre Easy!

Did you hear the joke about oatmeal? It's not mush of a laugh.

Q. Which breakfast cereal features bites shaped like little boats?
A. Fruit Sloops.

Q. What is the best way to serve a stack of puncakes?
A. Syruptitiously.

I had a problem with my boiled egg this morning, but I've cracked it now.

Q. What do you call a claim that a hungry man could eat a big T-bone steak in just one minute?
A. Hard to swallow.

Q. What did the chef do when none of the restaurant's meals impressed him?
A. He made a last dish effort.

Q. What does a chef call recurrent dreams about an ancient Egyptian mummy attacking you while you're cooking?
A. Rameses Kitchen Nightmares.

Q. What did the client say when a psychic told him the spirit of an old Italian chef is haunting his house?
A. I'm not worried because I ain’t alfredo no ghost.

The dinner I was cooking for my family was going to be a surprise, but the fire truck ruined it...

My girlfriend is such a bad cook that she uses the smoke alarm as a timer.

I went to a big buffet dinner with a taxidermist friend of mine. By the end of the evening, I was stuffed. OUCH!

"Hello, Mel's Restaurant? Do you serve crabs there?" "Yes sir, come on it!"

Foodie FYI: Inferior dumplings are the sign of wonton neglect.

Q. What is it called if you use your pepper mill with every single meal?
A. A daily grind.

The famous chef did not use that herb from a laurel tree in his recipes, contrary to popular bay leaf.

Q. Why did the frugal chef go to so many stores to find the best prices for herbs?
A. He thought it was thyme well spent.

Creative Cooking Tip of the Day: When the chef ran out of poultry spice, he just winged it.

Q. Did the hyphen like adding pepper to its food?
A. Yes, but just a dash.

Point That Health Food Chefs Ponder: Why isn't thyme used in medicine? After all, thyme heals all wounds.

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